How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

Your DH needs to ask for their key back. Or change the locks. They can't have unsupervised access again unless something changes.

Omg that is unbelievable. She would not be welcome in my home ever. 😒

I'm late to this thread and frankly I don't think I could ever bring myself to speak to those people again, never mind forgive and forget.

What a bitch!

Forget retrieving the keys - they will have copies. Change the locks in the next 24hrs.

And keep re-reading the posts by TowelNumber42.

I wouldn’t put it past your ils to have cut a spare set of keys just in case. I’d get the keys back as a symbolic gesture but I would also change the locks.

I would be furious if anyone did that to my stuff. And I’m glad you’ve realised all those little comments over the years were so very wrong and that dh is with you on this.

Stupid woman, in trying to push you out to get to your dh and dc, she’s actually pushed them away.

💐 totally unacceptable.
Your 8 year old is right

That's not cat sitting! Next time pay someone or get a neighbour too! I'd forget about trying to get her to replace, because it isn't replaceable and might give her the impression it is - she has no valid reason for disrespecting your space and belongings in this manner. I don't think I'd want my kids visiting her even. I would be tempted to offload all the 'stuff' she didn't remove of your husbands that has anything to do with his childhood and their family to her house at the very least - if she thinks you're living in junk and chaos that's how she can clearly help!

Agree with LittleMsM, I bet a Facebook call for a young teen who needs money and a chance to have some responsibility would get a result.

You already know what she did is beyond shit. I personally would play a longer game for the best revenge ( no question I would get my revenge)
In a year or a bit longer, I would say that they were forgiven. I would wangle an invite to their home. I would either burn the place down

Op
I went no contact with my own mother. You can forgive and forget for YOUR benefit and to enable you to move on but I would definitely go no contact. It's protecting yourself and your children from harm. It's up to your dh if he sees them. But I'd now be removing myself from harms way . And they would never ever be welcome to set foot in my house again. And block them on anything and everything. I wouldn't accept texts or calls. Totally no contact. Fuck them. Look after you, you're family and your space . (And mental health)

Op so much good advice here. Heartfelt sympathy from me.

Can I focus for a moment on your dc? What she did to you is breathtakingly vicious but she also took it upon herself to rearrange your dc’s things too. That is not ok. And it’s part of the slow creeping rot of their boundaries.

Your ds can identify clearly that his dgm doesn’t like his dm. For most young children someone who doesn’t like mum is suspect, and rightly so. It’s fundamentally threatening to a child. This is another boundary that is being undermined for him.

As long as dgm is nice to him it’s ok that she abuses his dm???? It’s analogous to the “but he’s a good father” excuses women believe to be a reason to put up with abuse. Good fathers don’t beat their children’s mothers. Good grandparents don’t hurt their grandchildren’s mother.

She wants to get rid of you so she can have her son and grandchildren to herself. And she’s probably going to succeed. They’ll see her without you and she can pour poison in their ears.

Tattygran14

That is awful!

Your daughter behaved atrociously. It would serve her right if she lost her own precious belongings. It must have broken your heart in so many ways - not just losing everything, but that your own child could even think of doing this to you.

The most important thing that could happen next was your husband take you seriously and back you up - so glad that has happened for you.

All the replacement SVH books in the world and apologies from them wouldn't make up for the feeling of him not having your back.

I know the Spain thing is probably a case of 'if you don't laugh, you'll cry'.

But it is so, so not normal.

She was so exited and thrilled by the idea. Actually thought you would do it - leave your children and move to another country. I mean, WTAF?! And then followed up asking about it, again, as if it was a genuine possibility.

It is absolutely so far outside normal, it's untrue.

Re the Spain thing, and planning to get rid of the DIL, on a similar theme my MIL, when I was going into hospital in my 30s for a major operation, informed me gleefully that if I died during the op, she had plans in place to move in with DH and look after my children "until he remarried". Thanks MIL
OP I am so sorry for the loss of your precious things. As a small recompense, you will have a much nicer time without the toxic ILs in your life from now on. What a completely rotten and mean-spirited thing to do to you though. You should start to reassemble a box of precious memories of your DH and DC starting now. Something lovely for your DC to treasure in the future

Can I focus for a moment on your dc? What she did to you is breathtakingly vicious but she also took it upon herself to rearrange your dc’s things too. That is not ok. And it’s part of the slow creeping rot of their boundaries.

This is a really pertinent point.

Normal for her is having no respect for anyone else - not for their space or their belongings. Rearranging their things is showing that disrespect to your DC. She’s training them to accept that what she does is normal.

I have to say - missed opportunity: “ooh, thank you for the job in Spain, I’m taking it, we’re all moving. DH looking forward to the nicer weather. See you in a few years maybe....” 😜😆

Have joined this thread late on - but as horrified as everyone else! Think your mil has a big problem and is probably very jealous of you as you’re obviously a very good,normal nice daughter in law.She felt the need to intrude into your life and to “assert herself “ by delving into your personal stuff and making her mark! Very sad woman, she’s done herself no favours with anyone! Just a jealous,nasty piece of work! Think you are handling it very well- you’re a better, bigger person X

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this thread. I even talked to my counsellor about it.

My mum and SIL did something similar whilst I was away one time. My house was undoubtedly a mess but they basically went through it with bin bags and chucked away whatever they could. Books, jewellery, clothes. I came back to find bin bags piled three high on my lawn. My neighbours were complaining that it had spoiled their view.

The books were the thing. All the books I had spent years buying. The books I used whilst studying, that I had annotated. They were precious to me.

Replacing things isn't the point. For me, it wouldn't be the same because they weren't those particular copies.

You've had some excellent advice on here. I just wanted to say that you weren't alone. And you should mourn for your memories. Don't feel they have to be brushed under the carpet

Yes this thread has traumatised mumsnet! Unanimous horror op hope you can take comfort that you not overreacting. You don’t go into someone’s house and throw away their stuff. That’s pretty elemental.

I agree with Aquamarine1029. How dare she poke around. Nosey old bat, I would keep away from them forever. OP is generous to say it is only stuff, but the point is it was her stuff, things she wanted, how dare the old bag decide what she was allowed to keep in her spare room? If it was me I would be absolutely furious and tell her she is a burglar. Still cannot believe anyone could do that, completely wrong, disrespectful and downright disgusting. Nobody goes in someone else’s house and looks through their possessions AND disposes of what they don’t like. Nasty, nosey old faggot

I will help @EileenAlanna and I don’t live in the Midlands.! ! I am really upset for OP, the old bat is wicked, she poked around to find things that were stored carefully. I would really like to get into her place (balaclava in place) and spread all her things on the front lawns and in the drive and hope the weather dealt with it. Next best thing would be to empty her handbag into a public bin - I cannot believe there are folk like this - she should not have air to breath, the original old battle-axe and some. OP plan your revenge, spray the lawns with weed killer, block the drains, superglue her locks, find a doggie poop bin to empty near the front door. I could not let this go, you deserve justice, even if it is just the feeling that you have paid her back, plan something, I might not tell DH though. I would just plot and plan and get it done when she is least expecting it

Even the mother in law defenders of mumsnet haven't been able to find a way to justify what she did. It must be bad.

Yes it’s indefensible. Both her own sons think so too.