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Original poster

Is this Harrasment? My 16yo DD

184 replies

Harrasment0209 · 02/09/2019 18:41

Long time poster, obvious reasons for name change.

DD had just left year 11 and is moving schools.

In year 9 she was kind to a new boy who then latched onto this kindness and decided she was his best friend. Obviously she wasn't - he's just a boy who needed a smile when he joined a new school.

Since then he has obsessed over their friendship - texts phone calls etc etc.

It all got too much and was interfering with her mental wellbeing - she blocked him on all social media at the start of GCSE study. He then contacted many people to beg her to reinstate him. Head of Year was involved and we believe spoke to his parents and things were better for a while.

Since exams have finished and she's left that school, he's ramped it up - clusters of calls (including the middle of night) and he's contacted upwards of a dozen people (friends and unknown friends of friends) to beg her to talk to him.

I've composed a letter to his mother which I could send on FB messenger (she's not a FB Friend and no mutuals)
but I guess my social conditioning prevents me sending it, and I'm not sure it's the appropriate action.

I just want her to start a new school tomorrow free of this weight.

I'm also aware this is not good for his mental wellbeing either and stopping would be beneficial to him.

Please, does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 04/09/2019 12:59

Not really uncalled for.

Yes, both your first post and subsequent one were uncalled for and unhelpful.

Catforaheadrest · 04/09/2019 13:04

Would you ever answer the phone for her? Speak to him, tell him he needs to stop and ask him to put his parents on the phone?

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 04/09/2019 13:09

Report to police I went through something similar with a neighbour years back in my early twenty’s me just being friendly and it went on for months and grew and grew, I’d ask him to leave me alone, my father spoke to his parents and him to no avail police had a word with him and that was it never heard anymore turned out he already had one restraining order on him with someone else fast forward over a decade later and I’ve moved now but still here about him he’s now in prison for child abuse with as strong of things behind him, put your dd first the relief I felt after a while of the police having a word and realising it had done the trick and I didn’t have to stress everytime my phone beeped or everytime I stepped out the door as believe me that behaviour only manifests

Gingernaut · 04/09/2019 13:12

Any communication from your daughter's phone will be seen as a positive by him.

DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HIM

With bells on.

Tell the police after you've messaged his parents.

Change your daughter's phone number.

Get her to lock down her security settings on all SM.

Do not engage with him at all.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2019 13:16

I'm with the police on this one. Message the mother but be nice and change your daughters number,

I had this from a boy when I was sixteen, he was eighteen, I went out with him. For two weeks. And then I ended it, He then stalked me basically for the next four years, even befriending my father and asking him to ask me to go out with him. Till eventually my father had to put a stop to it.

His parents were deeply concerned, it's a difficult thing to manage to be honest, at the time I was a fairly selfish teen and was rather oblivious to it all, as in I shrugged off all interactions and didn't dwell on it. It bothered me, and I was weirded out by it, but more superficially.

He clearly was going through some stuff, but as I wasn't interested his constant turning up at my house, calling me, asking me out constantly being wherever I was socially didn't really register apart from some weird occasions, once he followed me into a ladies loo in a pub to ask me out, and he was on a date at the time, his mother cornered my best friend and asked about me as she was so worried about it.

So I'd say tell your daughter to ignore, don't respond, play nicely with the mother, she may not know how to handle it and be equally as worried, and your daughter should go on about her life.

ThatCurlyGirl · 04/09/2019 13:32

No no no no no contact.

Please call the Suzy Lamplugh trust OP I can't even begin to tell you how knowledgable they are and they can act as advocates for you as they are fantastic at working with police and victims of stalking in tandem.

They came to an appointment for a police statement one of the million times my stalker popped back up again over the years.

Do not contact him or answer phone to him etc - to him getting any response at all from DD or those close to her simply teaches him that his behaviour gets a reaction and he will repeat it.

You need to be an absolute brick wall as does DD and let the police do the contact with him.

Thanks
Brefugee · 04/09/2019 16:27

I'm with the police on this one. Message the mother but be nice and change your daughters number,

I'm not with the police on this and I'm surprised they suggested this because it's bollocks.
Call the police and get them to stop it. Make sure you have screenshots of everything and get your daughter to ask her friends if they can also screenshot.

I also think that getting her to change her number just punishes her more than him. She then has all the hassle (and a fee?) for that and he just continues to bug her friends to contact her via aps that don't rely on the phone number anyway (the max it will do is stop the calls)

Make your daughter feel as though you care about this. It is appalling behaviour.

joystir59 · 04/09/2019 16:31

Police, now!!!! He is commuting a serious crime. Will you wait until this escalates to violence or murder FFS!!!

joystir59 · 04/09/2019 16:33

Do not contact his mother. Contact the police. Stop trying to deal with this yourself. He needs reporting

worriedaboutmygirl · 04/09/2019 17:43

www.bbc.com/news/uk-49481998?SThisFB

Original poster
Harrasment0209 · 15/09/2019 20:55

Just a quick update, have decided not to contact parents or police again unless he ignores her verbal warning - last phone conversation - that any further contact would force us to go to the police.

However we have found out he's still asking mutual friends for advice on how to "repair theur relationship". Angry

OP posts:
ourkidmolly · 15/09/2019 21:21

Well then, clearly he has ignored her verbal warning and is completely delusional. Be careful. Here's a salutary story: www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/may/09/17-year-old-appears-in-court-charged-with-ellie-gould-murder

SweetPetrichor · 15/09/2019 21:21

I kinda feel for the poor guy. He clearly latched on to her and that is definitely not okay, but as someone who is also a chronically friendless individual, I understand the desperation to keep the contact. I am far too attached to my singular friend, and only a decent grasp of what is socially acceptable helps me not bombard him too much. This lad clearly has no grasp of the socially acceptable. When I get dips in my emotions and loneliness and desire to pester my friend too much I find myself thrust into self harm. It's the pits. I'm not saying that necessarily this guy is the same, but I don't think he's automatically a potential murderer as some seem to imply.
Having said that, I agree that he needs to be distanced. Block, don't respond to anything and escalate again if necessary.

Gingernaut · 15/09/2019 21:24

However we have found out he's still asking mutual friends for advice on how to "repair theur relationship".

Contact the parents and police.

He's ignoring your warning.

Indecisivelurcher · 15/09/2019 21:35

This happened to me. A long time ago now, when I was in Yr 11 at school. We had a 'family' mobile phone at the time, they were a new thing. As soon as anyone switched it on it would start to ring, repeatedly. It became impossible to use the thing! He also used to write me notes saying he was 'waiting for me to grow up and give him what he wanted' and 'Ps please don't throw this note away as its taken ages to draw the pictures', little moons and things. It didn't stop until my dad managed to answer one of the calls and tell them he would be involving the police the next day. I'm very glad there wasn't social media at the time!

titchy · 15/09/2019 21:38

However we have found out he's still asking mutual friends for advice on how to "repair theur relationship"

But you still haven't phoned police or parents again... fuck meHmm

squeakybike · 15/09/2019 21:56

If anyone engages with him, even once... that no longer makes it harassment in the eyes of the police. My ex harassed me big time and because I replied once to tell him to fuck off, they wouldn't do anything.

Every time something happens I suggest you log it to the police. Then consider getting out a non-molestation order which will prevent him from even doing indirect contact through others.

Also, change her number. Not sure why you haven't done it already.

Bapman · 15/09/2019 22:00

Call the police, he’s clearly ignored your warning

TheQuaffle · 15/09/2019 22:07

Do whatever it takes to protect your daughter. This boy is unfortunately not normal.

FlowerTink · 15/09/2019 22:13

Adding to everyone saying please call the police and make sure you speak to a police officer on the phone or go and see them in person. I was harrassed/stalked and it took the police visiting him before it stopped.

Justme1234567 · 15/09/2019 22:14

Why aren’t you contacting parents? Your allowing this to continue to happen and just get worse! This is creepy!

Soola · 15/09/2019 22:16

You do not appear to be taking the threat of this boy seriously.

All he has done is be less obvious/direct in his pursuit of harassing your daughter.

How sad for your daughter that you won’t commit to protecting her.

Whenyourehome · 15/09/2019 22:27

Just a quick update, have decided not to contact parents or police again unless he ignores her verbal warning - last phone conversation - that any further contact would force us to go to the police.

Why are you giving this dangerous stalker so many chances? You need to protect and prioritise your daughter.

StockTakeFucks · 15/09/2019 22:40

Just a quick update, have decided not to contact parents or police again unless he ignores her verbal warning - last phone conversation - that any further contact would force us to go to the police.

Jesus fucking christ, your daughter is being stalked and harassed. Her friends are being harassed and you're just fucking about waiting for "it" to stop?
Have you at least changed her number?

Have you actually done anything to protect your girl instead of worrying about the fucker that is harassing her?

What will it take for you to actually do something? Her being upset again? Getting depression? Getting hurt?

Protect your kid!! That's your one and only job.

Cherrysoup · 15/09/2019 23:10

Please phone the police and get an appointment to speak to someone officially. What they have said to you is not the advice that is normally given. I would be complaining if they don’t go round and speak with him, as in put in a formal complaint. This kid won’t stop unless he’s properly frightened.

Get your dd’s mates to stop telling her about the requests for them to help him contact her. She doesn’t need the hassle.

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