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Original poster

Is this Harrasment? My 16yo DD

184 replies

Harrasment0209 · 02/09/2019 18:41

Long time poster, obvious reasons for name change.

DD had just left year 11 and is moving schools.

In year 9 she was kind to a new boy who then latched onto this kindness and decided she was his best friend. Obviously she wasn't - he's just a boy who needed a smile when he joined a new school.

Since then he has obsessed over their friendship - texts phone calls etc etc.

It all got too much and was interfering with her mental wellbeing - she blocked him on all social media at the start of GCSE study. He then contacted many people to beg her to reinstate him. Head of Year was involved and we believe spoke to his parents and things were better for a while.

Since exams have finished and she's left that school, he's ramped it up - clusters of calls (including the middle of night) and he's contacted upwards of a dozen people (friends and unknown friends of friends) to beg her to talk to him.

I've composed a letter to his mother which I could send on FB messenger (she's not a FB Friend and no mutuals)
but I guess my social conditioning prevents me sending it, and I'm not sure it's the appropriate action.

I just want her to start a new school tomorrow free of this weight.

I'm also aware this is not good for his mental wellbeing either and stopping would be beneficial to him.

Please, does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 03/09/2019 20:58

sadly that doesn’t work with an obsessive stalker as all they will see is the mum telling them to bigger off and that the daughter secretly wants to be with him/feels the same. It needs to be the police with a threat of action taken against him unless he desists and if he continues then he needs to be arrested and charged.

@Soola is spot on - unfortunately any action is read by a stalker as some kind of signal of a shared forbidden love and other people trying to keep the two of them apart etc. It's nonsensical but that's because it's totally irrational behaviour. Consequences are the only way to try to stop harassment like this.

Sorry for you DD, it's hard to understand how this stuff goes from annoying to unsettling to scary very quickly so you're right to be helping her combat it Thanks

Original poster
Harrasment0209 · 04/09/2019 11:08

A PP suggested using Dd's phone to send a cease and desist message - I think that's a good idea, though DD would rather I sent a message to both his parents.

Really unsure as to whether to do either of above options or just hold fire and see if it's all died down.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 04/09/2019 11:17

Do not contact him from her phone. You need to speak to the parents, they need to be aware of how this has escalated and get their son help if need be.

titchy · 04/09/2019 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/09/2019 11:26

No op please don't do that. It's stoking the fire. It's entirely likely to encourage a new flurry of activity from the boy

CandyLeBonBon · 04/09/2019 11:27

You really do need to go back to the police

NoWillpowerLeft · 04/09/2019 11:29

I don't know why I'm bothering because you're ignoring everyone who has told you this, but just go to the police and ask them to deal with this harassment. Your dd is a child, you should be taking the stress and responsibility for dealing with this away from her. Stop asking her what she wants to do about it.

paradisedreamer · 04/09/2019 11:32

Contact the parents, if Facebook is the only way to get in contact then do it! If that doesn't work then you log a complaint to the police. Stop dragging it out OP.

barryfromclareisfit · 04/09/2019 11:34

Not his mother. The police.
Stop putting yourself into the situation. It isn’t about you. Your only role is as dd’s mum. You should be protecting her by going to the police. Oh, the police advised you to contact parents? In my 61 years, 21 if which I was a high school teacher, I’ve never heard that before.

barryfromclareisfit · 04/09/2019 11:35

Of not if

Soola · 04/09/2019 11:35

I can’t understand your behaviour op.

You are being very wishy washy about protecting your daughter and don’t seem to understand the potential danger she is in.

The perpetrator is acting in an unhinged behaviour and it could escalate at any time.

He’s old enough to plan and inflict all kinds of mental and physical suffering on your daughter but may not fully understand the consequence of his actions due to his immaturity or if his obsession is related to mental health issues or even if he takes drugs which alter his ability to think rationally.

Go back to the police and insist that your daughter is fearful of him and his attentions are completely unwanted and he is harassing her.

Soola · 04/09/2019 11:37

@barryfromclareisfit I find it odd that the police told her to contact another parent with regards to children’s behaviour and especially if it concerns stalking.

yearinyearout · 04/09/2019 11:47

This lad is clearly unhinged and I agree with Pp who say you should get the police properly involved for harassment before it escalates into something more than messages.

Lillygolightly · 04/09/2019 12:00

Having read the full thread and all the responses the verdict is clear

RING THE POLICE!!!

It will NOT just die down, Christ on a bike you’ve had 2 years of this, warnings from school, school talking to parents - none of it has worked has it?!

It’s time for the police to be involved and frankly if they had been involved sooner it possible wouldn’t have had chance to escalate and continue for as long as it has.

Please ring the police and insist you get actual help from an officer!

Seeline · 04/09/2019 12:03

I would actually go to a police station, with DDs phone, and speak face to face with a real policeman.

I cannot understand why you are dithering about this. NOTHING matters apart from looking after your DD and protecting her. How long are you willing to let this go on for, and how far are you prepared to let the boy go? It's been going on for over 2 years and you've done nothing?!

CherM1592 · 04/09/2019 12:12

This is harrasment and it needs addressing sooner rather than later. When I was at school many moons ago I was in a very similar situation as your DD. It eventually escalated into the boy breaking into my home and stealing my clothes and underwear. I'm not for a second suggesting the same or similar would happen but in my experience this will not stop with a word to the boys mum (my parents tried to speak with his parents to no avail).. I'll be honest even police action didn't stop it in my case but it might put the frighteners on him.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/09/2019 12:13

101 live chat just won't cut it here op!

Original poster
Harrasment0209 · 04/09/2019 12:29

@titchy completely uncalled for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harrasment0209 · 04/09/2019 12:30

Am processing all other responses

OP posts:
GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 04/09/2019 12:36

Your poor dd, sounds so frightening.
Did you not send the mother a fb message already?

titchy · 04/09/2019 12:42

Not really uncalled for. She's been stalked for two years and you're still putting his feelings first. She will be internalising that, and beginning to have doubts about her own self-worth - after all if her own mother prioritises someone who abuses her, clearly she's not important at all, which leaves her open to all sorts of abusers. Good job OP.

RosaWaiting · 04/09/2019 12:43

OP "There's never been any suggestion that he is romantically interested in my DD, just desperate for friendship and bad with boundaries. "

sorry, I'm going to shout now....BAD WITH BOUNDARIES = DANGER.

It doesn't matter what his interest is. Your daughter must be protected. He must be reported to the police. Don't minimise this. I know it's terrifying, but that's exactly why you can't minimise it.

Soola · 04/09/2019 12:45

Never underestimate what someone with a fixation/obsession will do when they start stalking.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/7161363/stalker-murder-the-sun-campaign-change-law/amp

When the police went to arrest one of my stalkers they only had his name and address and an officer told me that when they got to his house there was a child’s tricycle in the garden and the home was a nice, normal home, clean and tidy with a wife and children. To all intents a lovely family.

Except he was following me and leaving messages on my car as to what he’s like to do to me involving sexual acts and extreme violence.

When he saw the police following me he took it out on the next women he came across and stabbed her. Not fatally thank goodness.

......

The 16 year old boy might appear normal and have a lovely family and perhaps that’s why you are having trouble understanding the danger and are under playing it because you don’t see the seriousness of it.

But a troubled mind and it’s dark thoughts can be hidden by the surface of respectability.

Do not gamble with your daughters safety that the boy is harmless or going through a phase or it only happens in films or to other people.

He hasn’t given up in two years, that’s a very strong fixation and he needs to be stopped.

His parents cannot stop him.

CriticalCondition · 04/09/2019 12:51

Yes, this is harassment.

It is serious and yes, you should go to an actual police station and report it to an actual police officer. A 101 live chat is not good enough.

Read this website.
www.protectionagainststalking.org
Their helpline number is 0808 802 0300.

Your daughter's safety and well-being is paramount. You are her parent and must take control here. It is not about what she would prefer you to do. It is not about protecting his or his parent's feelings. It is about protecting HER.

ThatCurlyGirl · 04/09/2019 12:52

OP I really don't get what your reservation is with pursuing the police.

Waiting for things to die down is not going to work if he is obsessive.

And any communication from DD or you will be romanticised by him, he'll twist it in his own head to fit his narrative eg her parents are coming between us / she (DD) is telling me to stop because she wants me to prove how much I care etc

The police aren't going to raid his house in the middle of the night, they'll go round to talk to him and he will quite rightly be shit scared and hopefully he will stop.

If he doesn't stop then you'll wish you went to the police sooner.

There's no downside to progressing action with the police and plenty of potential benefit in doing so.

Are you just worried about "making a fuss"?

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