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Original poster

Is this Harrasment? My 16yo DD

184 replies

Harrasment0209 · 02/09/2019 18:41

Long time poster, obvious reasons for name change.

DD had just left year 11 and is moving schools.

In year 9 she was kind to a new boy who then latched onto this kindness and decided she was his best friend. Obviously she wasn't - he's just a boy who needed a smile when he joined a new school.

Since then he has obsessed over their friendship - texts phone calls etc etc.

It all got too much and was interfering with her mental wellbeing - she blocked him on all social media at the start of GCSE study. He then contacted many people to beg her to reinstate him. Head of Year was involved and we believe spoke to his parents and things were better for a while.

Since exams have finished and she's left that school, he's ramped it up - clusters of calls (including the middle of night) and he's contacted upwards of a dozen people (friends and unknown friends of friends) to beg her to talk to him.

I've composed a letter to his mother which I could send on FB messenger (she's not a FB Friend and no mutuals)
but I guess my social conditioning prevents me sending it, and I'm not sure it's the appropriate action.

I just want her to start a new school tomorrow free of this weight.

I'm also aware this is not good for his mental wellbeing either and stopping would be beneficial to him.

Please, does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Ooohtini · 02/09/2019 19:39

I know it feels like a big step to involve the police but a 16 year old still has capacity to understand what they are doing. There have been numerous attempts to communicate to him that she does not want contact, including by the school and it has not stopped this behaviour at all; it's still as full on as ever.
I don't want to scare you with horror stories but I'd have a seriously low tolerance for making that step (I would have made it already tbh). He's harassing her, it's seriously creepy and will probably escalate and your daughter needs to know that someone is doing something to stop it xx

CandyLeBonBon · 02/09/2019 19:40

It's entirely possible his mother doesn't know. Especially at 2/3am. It really isn't the mothers fault that he is stalking the OP's daughter, that's on him. And what about his father? Is he not equally ineffectual? Why is it just the mother's problem?

HysteryMystery · 02/09/2019 19:40

Op you are worrying more about other people's feelings than your daughters safety.

This! Why are this boy's feelings more important than your daughter?

He's been told to stop by her.
He's been told to stop (I assume) by her friends.
He's been told to stop by the school.
He's presumably been told to stop by his parents when school I formed them.

Why do you want to teach your daughter she means so little in this world that she needs to give someone who is harassing her a fifth chance?

Go to the police.

KatyaK · 02/09/2019 19:41

I was that 16 year old girl.

Eventually the boy threatened to wait for me outside of my work, come to my house etc. He even put my phone number on some random website and asked completely random men from all over the country to text and call me to get me to respond to him.

Please help your daughter. Go to the police, now. I've no idea why you're hesitating, this is your teenager daughter we're talking about and she needs you to be an adult and take control of the situation.

cheesestringz · 02/09/2019 19:41

police.

Original poster
Harrasment0209 · 02/09/2019 19:45

Good point. I'll send the same message to both parents, but I'm hanging fire on that atm. Currently waiting to be connected to 101.
The Head of Year told us he would contact parents approx 2 years ago. Ithe unwelcome contact did stop for a while, so I assumed they were contacted, but HOY was ineffectual so I don't actually know if they were contacted.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2019 19:46

Good. Glad you’re on the phone to the police.

WatchingFromTheWings · 02/09/2019 19:53

I wouldn't bother contacting his mother. I'm assuming if school were involved before so would she have been. I'd go straight to the police this time. He's pretty much an adult and if he's not got the message after last time, I'd consider him a danger.

Soola · 02/09/2019 19:54

The police will advise you not to contact the family, I’m sure.

I found out who the daughter was of the older man that stalking me and was going to speak to her but police said no way should I do that.

GruffaIo · 02/09/2019 19:54

OP, why are you bothering with the parents? This is serious. Phone the police.

GruffaIo · 02/09/2019 19:55

Just missed the most recent update. Good. Make sure 101 take this seriously - don't underplay the threat he poses to your DD.

MrsAmaretto · 02/09/2019 19:56

I would speak to the police to ask for advice.

If you knew the mother then it would make sense to speak to her, but you don’t know the mother and don’t know if it would be taken seriously.

There has already been school involvement and a “stern talking to” yet his behaviour is persisting and seems to be escalating.

So I’d speak to the police as I’d be worried about him escalating further as he realises your daughter isn’t responding to him.

I’d also speak to Women’s Aid to see if they can give advice on dealing with a stalker.

Ohmywhatabigegoyouhave · 02/09/2019 19:57

OP could ex headmaster contact the school?

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 02/09/2019 20:05

Please protect your daughter and go to the Police.

As an aside, if you’re not FB friends with the boys Mother and you message her the message will go into her “Message Requests” folder not into her inbox so she may not see your message anyway.

KitKatCHA · 02/09/2019 20:05

Urgh what a twat, why do some males think that we should be grateful for this type of attention! He probably sees himself as something out of a film, persevering to win fair maiden's hand. Hopefully a strong chat with a police officer will make him back off. She should keep records of attempted contact to make his harassment easy to prove.

Myriade · 02/09/2019 20:11

Police because the rote if school/parents/teachers has already been done and hasnt worked.
Unfortunately he needs to very clear message from someone he can’t dismiss that what he is doing isn’t acceptable. With a bit of luck, they will talk to him and he will stop wo needing to go any further.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/09/2019 20:19

Is it really two years since anything was said to school or his parents? That’s poor form and I’m sorry but you should have stepped up earlier to protect your DD and show her that she means more and doesn’t have to put up with this shit. No to contacting the parents via dubious routes-just report to the police and get it sorted.

The damage this kind of thing does to your emotional well-being can never be underestimated-am speaking from bitter experience and it can get truly scary.

Shockers · 02/09/2019 20:24

I wouldn’t send the message to his mum either. Let the police do all that.

Onceuponacheesecake · 02/09/2019 20:30

Police. Please set an example to your daughter about what normal and healthy friendships/relationships are and what they most definitely are not. He's been warned by the school so his parents are aware anyway. If you were to message them I'd also include that screenshot above.

MissRabbitNeedsAHoliday · 02/09/2019 20:30

Glad your contacting the police, how frightening for your dd. I hope the police are able to give you the advice you need to stop this.

MouthyHarpy · 02/09/2019 20:32

He’s just a teenager now, but that behaviour could end up with him being arrested in the future

Yup. A friend of mine who's a local magistrate says there's a really common pattern of serious sex offenders starting with "low level" stuff: flashing, stalking, groping, and at quite young ages.

OGF course, this sort of harassment is NOT "low level" - t's an indication of how much leeway we give boys and men in their attitudes to girls & women that we think it is, and that you, OP are wondering whether it's unreasonable to contact his mother.

We women are socialised to be TOO polite and understanding of others.

MouthyHarpy · 02/09/2019 20:35

Meant to say, I hope your DD can put this aside and that it doesn't affect her mental health too badly. She has done nothing wrong, but I' sure she's internalise that somehow she's done something to "cause" this. Good luck to her and to you. Flowers

Veterinari · 02/09/2019 20:35

@Harrasment0209

Your daughter is being stalked. This is illegal, unacceptable and closely linked with violence.

This young man has clearly been told to stay away from your daughter. He is harassing her and his actions could easily escalate.

I know that going to the police seems like a massive step but the reason that men consistently get away with treating women badly is because women are socially conditioned to not make a fuss. Please teach your daughter that she shouldn't Have to accommodate this boy’s harassment.

Contact Paladin for advice if you feel like you need more advice/support
paladinservice.co.uk/advice-for-victims/

WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/09/2019 20:36

Your poor DD. I'm afraid I would be going to the police. They may log it and decide to pay him a visit and have a chat with him. This might be enough to stop him, but at least it's logged and she/you can report it if he ramps up

Berthatydfil · 02/09/2019 20:40

Look at the info provided by the Suzy lamplugh trust and I thinks it’s called Paladin service.
You must go to the police.

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