Is this Harrasment? My 16yo DD

[Harrasment0209]

Long time poster, obvious reasons for name change.

DD had just left year 11 and is moving schools.

In year 9 she was kind to a new boy who then latched onto this kindness and decided she was his best friend. Obviously she wasn't - he's just a boy who needed a smile when he joined a new school.

Since then he has obsessed over their friendship - texts phone calls etc etc.

It all got too much and was interfering with her mental wellbeing - she blocked him on all social media at the start of GCSE study. He then contacted many people to beg her to reinstate him. Head of Year was involved and we believe spoke to his parents and things were better for a while.

Since exams have finished and she's left that school, he's ramped it up - clusters of calls (including the middle of night) and he's contacted upwards of a dozen people (friends and unknown friends of friends) to beg her to talk to him.

I've composed a letter to his mother which I could send on FB messenger (she's not a FB Friend and no mutuals)
but I guess my social conditioning prevents me sending it, and I'm not sure it's the appropriate action.

I just want her to start a new school tomorrow free of this weight.

I'm also aware this is not good for his mental wellbeing either and stopping would be beneficial to him.

Please, does anyone have any advice?

Police OP you have been reasonable.
You would call the police in a heartbeat if a 16 year old was burgling your home so his age is irrelevant.My son is nearly 15 and would know this is wrong .For your DD sake and actually his own as this behaviour is odd.

Also if you contact the mother it may give the boy and his family time to delete things.

Far better for the police to pay a surprise visit.

To update you, Live Chat with the police resulted in their suggestion of contacting the parents and changing the phone number which we are looking in to.

She's gone off happily to her new school this morning. Hopefully her absence from the old school may allow him to move on and forget her.

The police suggested you contact his parents? That’s extremely odd as it goes against usual police advice
Are they aware of the time scale?

In a similar situation when I was in my late teens my Mum and I had a chat with the police who gave similar advice.

One off contact to say your sought police advice, to ceace ALL contact immediately or they would take it further. He crapped himself and everything stopped completely.

*cease I’ve not had enough coffee yet!

Have you tried your local police station? This is harassment. A 16/17 year old is alleged to have killed a 47 year old teaching assistant. This is beyond crush and hugely worrying.

Was the live chat a Police Officer?

I was stalked when I was 16/17, he was the same age (before socia media and mobiles), he followed me, was sacked from the place we both had a weekend job, the employers were really supportive, he then escalated to putting notes in neighbours letterboxes saying awful things about me etc.

Parents didn’t take it seriously and did nothing, I ended up with an older friend dealing with it, he also tried to contact me on social media a couple of years ago and when I was in the public eye a lot 20 years ago.

You really need to come down really hard on this and as someone said the Suzy Lampard trust can help.

Not to scare you OP, but I’m not surprised that the police didn’t have anything useful to say. The number of cases in the media locally and nationally regarding stalked girls who were brushed off by the police is shocking.

Check name & position of who you spoke to & note time & date if what they said. Send the letter to the mother with screenshots if needed & say if he contacts her again you will get the police involved. No need for her to know you've spoken & if you showed this evidence I think police would be happy to go & have a word.

His behaviour is beyond acceptable

Wow I'm really shocked the police advised you to speak to his parents. Wtf. Can you imagine them doing that if he was committing any other crime? 'Hi a 16 year old has stolen my car' - 'oh dear, can you message his mummy? Let us know if he does it again. Byee!'

Proof again that authorities (and other adults) do not take harassment of women and girls seriously. Jesus Christ, females die all the time because of this kind of thing.

He’s 16 not 6 and as such can lie his head off to his parents and appear convincing to them.

His parents were aware of what he was doing and his behaviour has escalated so I don’t agree that just telling his parents again is going to be an effective way to stop him stalking your daughter.

I would return to the olive and say you’re not prepared to contact his family and want them to have a word with him and his family.

The police were most insistent that I do nothing to contact the perpetrator as it could be misconstrued as wanting his attention and they vetoed my asking if I should tell his daughter.

Do not engage with him or his family was very strongly told to me.

I wouldn't give up there with the police OP, as Eleanor says there have been numerous instances of stalking being downplayed by them, sometimes with devastating results. I think you have to be the squeaky wheel with any public services these days, it's a case of shouting loudest sadly.

So, I would either find your nearest police station that's actually open (few and far between I know) and go in and make a report, or call 101 back but go from the angle that you want to report a crime rather than ask advice. Don't let them fob you off, point out that you've already done all the recommended things, contacted his parents, sent him clear message to stop etc and that it's now gone beyond you dealing with it alone.

They don't really have a get-out if you insist on actually reporting it rather than just asking for advice, they will have to open a case and investigate it. And I hope you won't have to use it but there is always the threat of going to your MP if they still won't listen, that usually gets some results. Good luck OP, don't give up til they do something

I’m really surprised you were told to contact the parents. I manage people who take the 101 and 999 calls and I would expect them to take a report of this for an officer to look into.

This is harassment at best, stalking at worst. If I were you I would ring 101 again and ask to have it recorded as harassment. Sending a FB message to the mother may not even get opened. When I was on FB I never got notifications if I had a message from someone not on my friends list.

If you record this with the police they will at least speak to him and if he continues then he will eventually be arrested. This can’t continue.

Did you send a message to his parents, and have they responded?

your poor daughter. I had a similar issue at around 14/15 - a boy at a riding school where I had lessons became obsessed & somehow found out where I lived & my home telephone number (pre-mobile phone days) & started calling at all hours & playing music down the phone when I answered or hanging up when my parents answered.

One night he even came through over the fence & spent some time in our back garden which was only noticed by him carving my name into the fence & leaving some beer cans in our garden after our dog causing a commotion. I only found out who it was after I took a short cut on my daily journey (via bike) & saw him following me.

Still scares me when I think about it 25 odd years later, his parents had absolutely no idea - he had told them I was his girlfriend! It all stopped after that so no idea if it was because his parents found out or my parents had found out & spoken with them

I'm very surprised you didn't have a police officer take a statement. I was always taken very seriously in my circumstances last year.

I'd call again and stress the ongoing nature. That advice doesn't sound right.

I'd go to the police station and talk to someone face to face.

It's a withheld number so his parents will just say there's no proof it's him.
The parents have been spoken to previously which made no difference.

Police as everybody else has suggested. I'm very concerned that if she shows affection or interest towards another boy and he finds out, it will escalate. I was a 16 year old boy once, and we are utterly irrational once fixated.

@DisgraceToTheYChromosome utterly irrational once fixated????

what an utter fucking cop out. Men are rational thinking human beings, capable of higher thought. The same as women. Saying if a male gets fixated he becomes irrational and unable to control himself is an utterly disgraceful way to excuse utterly reprehensible behaviour. Ffs

And if you can't see how utterly offensive that statement is the yes, you are a disgrace to the Y chromosome

Candy well said.

To be honest I'd bypass the mother and go straight to the police.
She's already been involved and plainly it didn't help, it doesn't sound to me like talking to her would be much help. I'd gather all the evidence and ring the police. Your poor daughter :(

Go to your local police station and report this. You need to make them aware that this person is 16 so not really a child now. Hand over copies of as much evidence of this harassment as you can.

Do not contact his parents. Yes they might be mortified but potentially they might blame your daughter and erase evidence their end.

@Moondancer73 she did contact the olive and bizarrely they said to contact his mother!

Very poor advice as the op doesn’t know the mother socially so it could even end up with a row or a feud between the two families if the boy’s family opt to defend their son.