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Original poster

Is this Harrasment? My 16yo DD

184 replies

Harrasment0209 · 02/09/2019 18:41

Long time poster, obvious reasons for name change.

DD had just left year 11 and is moving schools.

In year 9 she was kind to a new boy who then latched onto this kindness and decided she was his best friend. Obviously she wasn't - he's just a boy who needed a smile when he joined a new school.

Since then he has obsessed over their friendship - texts phone calls etc etc.

It all got too much and was interfering with her mental wellbeing - she blocked him on all social media at the start of GCSE study. He then contacted many people to beg her to reinstate him. Head of Year was involved and we believe spoke to his parents and things were better for a while.

Since exams have finished and she's left that school, he's ramped it up - clusters of calls (including the middle of night) and he's contacted upwards of a dozen people (friends and unknown friends of friends) to beg her to talk to him.

I've composed a letter to his mother which I could send on FB messenger (she's not a FB Friend and no mutuals)
but I guess my social conditioning prevents me sending it, and I'm not sure it's the appropriate action.

I just want her to start a new school tomorrow free of this weight.

I'm also aware this is not good for his mental wellbeing either and stopping would be beneficial to him.

Please, does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
GreyHare · 03/09/2019 12:22

Not one to be all "go to the police" I would actually do that in this case, have you seen the in the news about 17 year old Ellie Gould, she was mudered by a boy because she didn't want to be his girlfriend, I would not want to be taking chances and teaching your daughter that harassment is ok.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 03/09/2019 12:32

Candy and others: my behaviour at 16 didn't include this sort of thing, but the way I thought at that age was neither accepted or acceptable. At nearly 60, I fully realise that. Teenagers are pretty horrible creatures if they're not firmly squashed.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/09/2019 12:46

@DisgraceToTheYChromosome Please understand that your cavalier statement is EXACTLY the reason that girls still feel they are unsafe: because apparently men and boys just can't control themselves so oh well. Boys will be boys. Can you not see that it is EXACTLY this attitude which means that boys and men CONTINUE to bully and harass women. Because 'boys will be boys'

Well bollocks to that.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/09/2019 12:48

And my teenage boys would not dream of behaving like this. BECAUSE I HAVE RAISED THEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT PREDATORY BEHAVIOUR IS UNACCEPTABLE.

HTH

ThatCurlyGirl · 03/09/2019 13:10

Please do follow up with the police, I've been a victim of stalking and I often wonder if had my stalker had been confronted with consequences earlier in his life (eg teen years) he may have been less likely to repeat it.

I was in my late 20s when it all happened to me (he was a neighbour), he kept breaking bail by contacting / following me / friend's family etc went to court and now a lifetime restraining order. To this day I have never ever spoken to him, not once. Never even replied.

It was terrifying. Regardless of police involvement I would encourage you to look up the Suzy Lamplugh trust and ask for their advice - they are incredible and much more up to speed on harassment laws than anyone else.

Your poor DD until you've had this kind of relentless pursuit happen to you it's really hard to understand how it grips you and causes huge anxiety.

He needs a scare from the police IMO as clearly nothing else has gotten through to him. He'll think he's being romantic etc by chasing.

Keep talking to your daughter OP it sounds like you're doing your best to help her Thanks

ThatCurlyGirl · 03/09/2019 13:14

@DisgraceToTheYChromosome

I was a 16 year old boy once, and we are utterly irrational once fixated.

It is not normal. Normal to be infatuated with a crush yes, but not normal to harass someone when they've made it clear they do not wish to have a relationship. Not normal to call dozens of times with no answer. Not normal to ask friends to let you pretend to be them to speak to someone.

This is not the behaviour of a normal teenage boy, it is the behaviour of someone with no boundaries or regard for other people's feelings who is scaring their "target". This makes someone dangerous.

It is certainly not women's job to police the behaviour of the minority of men who are "irrational" when "fixated".

Tonnerre · 03/09/2019 13:16

I'm not convinced the police can do anything given that this boy hasn't actually managed to make contact with your daughter this time round. I

marvellousnightforamooncup · 03/09/2019 13:18

Police can contact the boy and say back the fuck off or else. It must be frightening and restrictive for your dd.

Nemchen · 03/09/2019 13:27

I haven’t read through all the replies but if you haven’t, please contact the mother and the police. This is just unstable and needs to be addressed before he ends up doing something dangerous. I hope your daughter is alright, how horrible for her x

ohfourfoxache · 03/09/2019 13:58

Bloody hell, keep a record of everything (you’ve probably received this advice many times over, sorry)

I really, really hope he leaves her alone

Adversecamber22 · 03/09/2019 14:29

DS was friends with a boy at school at a party this lad went over and kissed a girl who had fallen asleep. My DS and other boys rounded on this boy and had a go at him and he was dropped from the friendship group. I know for a fact this kids Father is a massive misogynistic twat who treated his ex wife badly.

An effort has to be made in raising all children to navigate morality and how to treat others with respect.There is still the awful oh it’s not men’s fault msg and they can’t control themselves. I am saddened to read a well known male poster who usually posts in a decent way has revealed something that far too many men hold deep down. That lad had been to my house a few times and seemed fine. I wrote that experience to show that of course boys can be taught not to behave in that way.

On a more minor level I had a stalker but through gaming and he lived in the USA. He tried through mutual friends many times to still be in touch. It made me really stressed and unwell. Fortunately he didn’t know my real name. The entitlement is staggering. I’m writing that more to warn anyone that games to use gamer tags only. My friend had a similar issue but she had given out her actual name and was harassed at her home as well.

Hidingtonothing · 03/09/2019 14:35

The police will be able to see from his phone records that he is responsible for all those 'unknown caller' phone calls Tonnerre. I'm sure repeatedly calling in the middle of the night would be deemed harassment and that's without any of the other stuff. The police know they should take this stuff seriously and this boy has done something illegal so they absolutely can do something about it, OP might just have to shout a bit louder to make sure they do.

whattodowith · 03/09/2019 14:41

Contact the police and they will most likely have a quiet word with him which should hopefully put an end to it. She could also change her number which should help a little. Poor girl.

I was stalked and harassed by an ex when I was slightly older than this. I thought contacting the police was melodramatic until he assaulted me in the street one day. The police spoke to him and he stopped bothering me which was all I really wanted.

Dieu · 03/09/2019 15:28

Go to the police. You gave the parents the chance to sort out his creepy behaviour, and they didn't. Definitely police Thanks

OooErMissus · 03/09/2019 16:28

I was a 16 year old boy once, and we are utterly irrational once fixated.

No, you were utterly irrational once fixated.

Otherwise, we'd have to keep teenage boys in cages.

Perunatop · 03/09/2019 16:44

It is harassment and from the examples you have given you need to ask the police to charge him. They will no doubt warn him informally first, but if he persists court may be the only way to stop him. Obsessed 16 year olds can be dangerous, sadly, and it is your duty to protect your DD.

Gilead · 03/09/2019 16:46

Disgrace, I have an autistic ds and he knows that No does not mean try again later. It means No. Hmm

CandyLeBonBon · 03/09/2019 16:51

Obsessed 16 year olds can be dangerous, sadly, and it is your duty to protect your DD

Or perhaps more could be done to remind teenage boys that just because they have a crush on someone, it doesn't give them the right to harass and stalk the object of their desires?

I'm sick of this weak 'boys will be boys' crap.

Jesaminecollins · 03/09/2019 16:55

You need to get the police involved because he is stalking your daughter and has an unhealthy obsession with her - I don't want to alarm you but I remember that when I lived in Shrewsbury a policeman's daughter was murdered by some boy who was fixated with her.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-shropshire-25183854

TonTonMacoute · 03/09/2019 18:33

OP, you need to go back to the police. Go in personally and try and speak to an individual officer.

This is from the Suzy Lamplugh Trust website.

Many forces now have an officer who acts as a single point of contact (SPOC) for stalking problems; you could go back to the police and ask to speak with this officer.

Do not take no for an answer on this, and do not go to the parents. If you knew them even vaguely that might be a good start, but if you really don't know what sort of people they are it might not help at all.

If the boy is troubled himself I'm sure the police will handle it appropriately.

Original poster
Harrasment0209 · 03/09/2019 18:53

Reading through all these responses is useful, thanks.

There's never been any suggestion that he is romantically interested in my DD, just desperate for friendship and bad with boundaries.

I'm not diminishing what he's doing - just saying there's no apparent sexual element to it.

I've decided not to contact the parents - think FB is inefficient and possibly inappropriate medium.

The last time she actually answered the phone to him, he just ranted and said he never wanted to speak to her (the Evil Bitch) again. But we've been through that scenario many times previously. She did mention escalating it to the police as it now wasn't a within-school matter.

Let's hope that this time is actually the end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harrasment0209 · 03/09/2019 18:54

Still waiting for the transcript from Live Chat.

OP posts:
ellzebellze · 03/09/2019 19:16

If it were me I'd use my dd's phone and text him a 'cease and desist' message (ie: leave my daughter alone) and that any more attempts to contact her directly or via other people will be reported to the police as harassment.

Does he live locally?

Soola · 03/09/2019 20:05

@ellzebellze sadly that doesn’t work with an obsessive stalker as all they will see is the mum telling them to bigger off and that the daughter secretly wants to be with him/feels the same.

It needs to be the police with a threat of action taken against him unless he desists and if he continues then he needs to be arrested and charged.

Bookworm4 · 03/09/2019 20:13

The last time she actually answered the phone to him, he just ranted and said he never wanted to speak to her (the Evil Bitch)
I don’t think changing her number will stop him, he says that yet keeps up his campaign to contact her. Personally I’d be very concerned he will escalate.

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