Overheard friend talking about us...

[HolidayHolly]

A what would you do...
For context.. On holiday in a villa in Spain with DH and his 2 friends and their DP. Average age early 30's, I'm late 30's and Anna is 20's. Plan was to go to a big club one night this week to see a famous DJ. This is not our usual type of thing or chosen night out (usually in bed by 12!) but it was a special request by my DH's friend 'Tom', who missed out on all the nightlife holiday stuff in his younger days and asked if we could all do this as a one-off. We all agreed ages ago and booked tickets for this one off event. The dj comes on in the early hours of the morning, (think 4-5am ish) so it's going to be hard work to stay awake!

Anyway we were all sat round at dinner discussing the event and DH and I were talking about how hard we were going to find it to stay awake long enough for the event and what our tactics would be, eg having a nap during the day before, trying to change our body clock etc. DH made a joke about why on earth we booked this, what were we thinking etc. Tom said we could always cancel if it's too difficult for everyone. I felt Tom was a bit concerned by me and DH being negative about the event, so I said sorry if we sounded negative, and that we were keen to go but just worried we would spoil it or not enjoy it due to tiredness so trying to come up with a plan. He seemed fine and said no worries, and made a joke about drinking loads of coffee. However, Tom's gf Anna became a bit passive aggressive, saying things along the lines of "don't listen to those two fuckers Tom" and "well they can fuck off and we'll go by ourselves", in a 'jokey' way.
Later on the conversation turned up marriage (DH and I are but Anna and Tom are not) and when another person asked Anna if she'd like to get married she was making disdainful faces towards me and DH and saying "no way" and making rolling eyes / yawn type faces. There has been more of this behaviour but I can't be bothered to list it all here.

Anyway on the way home Anna and Tom wanted to walk back by themselves instead of getting a cab with us, and I had the strong sense that Anna was going to be talking about us. At the villa everyone went to bed but I could hear Anna's voice talking to Tom for ages in their room (walls very thin). I could hear snatches of sentences and then lots of words I couldn't make out. I heard her say my name and then talk about me and. I couldn't make out whole sentences but heard things like "the problem with Holly is..." and "people like that they just..." etc etc. This went on for about 45 minutes and I could hear Tom interjecting with words but mainly Anna talking to him.

I feel crap this morning. I don't know how best to approach the day or the rest of this holiday. I hate all this crap which feels like teenage behaviour to me. None of my friends behave like this- we just communicate openly. I know that if it wasn't for DH friendship with Tom I would never choose to have a person like Anna in my life as she feels somewhat insecure and toxic, but for DH sake I have always tried to get on with her and on the surface have done so. I have shown her kindness, involving her in my bridal party things as Tom was DH's best man, so as not to make her feel left out. I am also sad because I do like Tom very much and feel sad if these conversations are being had.

It all sounds ridiculously PETTY I know - and that's because it is! Do I just zone out and get through this holiday with a false smile? I hate being disingenuous though.

You’re 10/15 years plus older than her so she’s bound to view you as being a party pooper.

Just ignore the overheard conversation and either Tom will eventually split from her or she will mature and become more compatible.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Take her to one side and pull her up on it OP.

I had this with my own mother saying not nice things (thought I was asleep!!) and I actually plan to email her about it . I am tired of being treated like a child (I am in my early 50s) and had about enough.

Anna sounds bloody horrible.

Honestly? I would talk to her. I had a very similar situation a few years ago and asked to speak to the woman myself. I was nice, not unpleasant or aggressive and just told her that I had heard her talking about me and if there was an issue, could we sort it out. She was embarrassed, obviously, but we were able to clear the air. We'll never be best friends but we get on OK now. She probably still talks about me, but I didn't feel I could let it go at the time.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Absolutely. What they say about you is different.

This is a tough one. I'd be tempted to say that the walls are very thin and you heard them speaking last night and if Anna has something to say, you'd appreciate her being upfront.
Or you could talk to Tom privately. Say you haven't intended to upset him in any way but you know that Anna is unhappy - that you heard snippets of their conversation. She might not be the one who ends up married to him, so don't necessarily wreck your friendship on account of her. If you are super nice and polite, it just makes her look more like the immature bitch she is being.
See what Tom says - he might reel her back in if he thinks she is being nasty for no good reason.
I don't think I could do the pretend it never happened thing. For the rest of the holiday, perhaps you all need to do some separate activities.

"The walls are very thin here. I heard last night that you have an issue with me. Do you want to talk about it?"

In reality, I'd be too meek to do this, but I am a passive aggressive cow and might say something like, goodness me, the walls here are thin! You can hear conversations and everything!

I don't think any of yo u have covered yourselves in glory here. No one likes to be talked about behind their back, but you knew Tom was excited about this event and uou agreed to go, it sounds like the pair of you extensively rained on his parade, he even had to step in and say you didn't need to go.

All in none of it was good,

How did the night go? Is she just having a moan because you sat on the side all night moaning about being tired and wishing you could just go home? Or did yo u all have a good night and then her start this once home?

If the latter you COULD speak to her, say you sense she's unhappy with you etc but you risk making this even more awkward.

For now I'd suck it up, grit your teeth and make the most of your holiday. I'd also stop making extra special efforts to befriend her

I'm not sure why you think you have done nothing wrong here your passive aggressively rinsed your friends holiday plans, which he was excited about, to his face.

His girlfriend has complained about it in private.

I would say sorry to Tom and let it go.

I haven't said I thought I did nothing wrong. That's why I said something to Tom last night.

Update: I have just seen Tom and casually spoken to him again and apologised for raining on his parade and sounding negative about the thing he is excited for. He was very nice and said no problems at all, he agrees it's going to be hard to find the energy and it was very sweet of me to apologise.

I'd see what the atmosphere was like this morning. She may have needed to just let off steam.

We all bitch, she would be upset your doing it about her on MN.
Just go with your old, make a joke of it Zimmer need

I take your point but I guess it wasn't very nice hearing it all in real time.

leave it.
She was letting off steam to her DP in the privacy of her own room.

When on holiday with other people dh and I often talk about stuff in our room at night. We don't always agree or get on with everything everyone has said and it is a way of letting it out so that the next day you aren't mulling over it any more.
She was obviously upset about the raining on his parade thing, and she moaned about it in private. Now today she will probably have got over it and be nice.

Just leave it, be nice, have a fun night out, and make an effort to have a nice conversation with her at some point.

Talk to her about it? Just ignore it!! You overheard something you weren't meant to. People are allowed a whinge in private.

Actually, Tom sounds a bit pathetic, making a big thing about having missed out on ‘all the nightlife holiday stuff’ when he was younger, and dragging a bunch of people who are visibly not that enthusiastic to an all-night event so he can recapture his lost teens.

I mean, assuming he wasn’t in a coma or something for his late teens and 20s? It’s not as though going clubbing is some kind of compulsory life stage like puberty.

Put yourself in her shoes. She’s young and looking forward to going to an event with her older boyfriend but his older friends are old farts (in her eyes) who are making feeble jokes about going as they feel so old etc.

Whatever you do don’t start dancing next to her! She’ll be mortified.

Is there any real need for you two to go? Not too late to back out now, make (very) light of it and just enjoy the time on your own when they're out! Then the next day you can laugh at their hangovers, which will remind you why you didn't go...…..

And put earplugs in in bed. Then you won't hear them talk and you'll be none the wiser!

God op you were rude and miserable. you went on about how hard this would be. Tom was looking forward fo it. Why put a dampener on it?

Stop mentioning how tired youll be or how youll need a nap ffs. Just be positive and dont ruin in for the poor
Bloke.

And of course a woman in her early twenties on holiday clubbing until the early hours isnt going to be all ‘yeah marriage! Whoop cant wait!’

She is 29 not early 20's. my DH is the same age as her.

And don't go on holiday with them again.

God, I wouldn't like any of my friends to overhear me and my husband's conversations about them, 90% good but always a minimal amount of judginess too tbh. Nothing massive, just oh she's so smug about xyz or he is always moaning about his wife or whatever.

Let it go. She's a lot younger than you and probably finds you as boring as you find her insecure. This is why I can't be friends with people significantly younger, generally. I grew up a lot between 27 and 32 or so.