Overheard friend talking about us...

[HolidayHolly]

A what would you do...
For context.. On holiday in a villa in Spain with DH and his 2 friends and their DP. Average age early 30's, I'm late 30's and Anna is 20's. Plan was to go to a big club one night this week to see a famous DJ. This is not our usual type of thing or chosen night out (usually in bed by 12!) but it was a special request by my DH's friend 'Tom', who missed out on all the nightlife holiday stuff in his younger days and asked if we could all do this as a one-off. We all agreed ages ago and booked tickets for this one off event. The dj comes on in the early hours of the morning, (think 4-5am ish) so it's going to be hard work to stay awake!

Anyway we were all sat round at dinner discussing the event and DH and I were talking about how hard we were going to find it to stay awake long enough for the event and what our tactics would be, eg having a nap during the day before, trying to change our body clock etc. DH made a joke about why on earth we booked this, what were we thinking etc. Tom said we could always cancel if it's too difficult for everyone. I felt Tom was a bit concerned by me and DH being negative about the event, so I said sorry if we sounded negative, and that we were keen to go but just worried we would spoil it or not enjoy it due to tiredness so trying to come up with a plan. He seemed fine and said no worries, and made a joke about drinking loads of coffee. However, Tom's gf Anna became a bit passive aggressive, saying things along the lines of "don't listen to those two fuckers Tom" and "well they can fuck off and we'll go by ourselves", in a 'jokey' way.
Later on the conversation turned up marriage (DH and I are but Anna and Tom are not) and when another person asked Anna if she'd like to get married she was making disdainful faces towards me and DH and saying "no way" and making rolling eyes / yawn type faces. There has been more of this behaviour but I can't be bothered to list it all here.

Anyway on the way home Anna and Tom wanted to walk back by themselves instead of getting a cab with us, and I had the strong sense that Anna was going to be talking about us. At the villa everyone went to bed but I could hear Anna's voice talking to Tom for ages in their room (walls very thin). I could hear snatches of sentences and then lots of words I couldn't make out. I heard her say my name and then talk about me and. I couldn't make out whole sentences but heard things like "the problem with Holly is..." and "people like that they just..." etc etc. This went on for about 45 minutes and I could hear Tom interjecting with words but mainly Anna talking to him.

I feel crap this morning. I don't know how best to approach the day or the rest of this holiday. I hate all this crap which feels like teenage behaviour to me. None of my friends behave like this- we just communicate openly. I know that if it wasn't for DH friendship with Tom I would never choose to have a person like Anna in my life as she feels somewhat insecure and toxic, but for DH sake I have always tried to get on with her and on the surface have done so. I have shown her kindness, involving her in my bridal party things as Tom was DH's best man, so as not to make her feel left out. I am also sad because I do like Tom very much and feel sad if these conversations are being had.

It all sounds ridiculously PETTY I know - and that's because it is! Do I just zone out and get through this holiday with a false smile? I hate being disingenuous though.

You should have just knocked on their door and say sweetly
"Hi guys, sorry to be a party pooper but can you keep it down a bit, we can hear EVERY SINGLE WORD in here and we're trying to get some sleep" .. shit them up a bit for talking about you. lol.

" could be that she just can’t stand the idea of marriage. "

Oh yes, but I would have thought that she would just say so without the dramatics?

It's just that faces, eyerolling and fake yawns all seems a bit ott to me.

Anna sounds like an absolute wagon.

There's an expression I don't hear anywhere near enough in rural England.

You should have just knocked on their door and say sweetly "Hi guys, sorry to be a party pooper but can you keep it down a bit, we can hear EVERY SINGLE WORD in here and we're trying to get some sleep"

Or the more fun option where the OP and her husband either have incredibly vocal loud sex or pretend to, with lots of mounting arias of pleasure, moaning and moving furniture, and preferably a bedhead banging against the wall. Then in the morning you appear very late and loved up-looking, and say 'Sorry, did we keep you awake? Whoops. Well, now you can see why party-poopers like us aren't so keen on staying out all night when the fun's better at home in bed! Have fun at the club!'

It sounds like she just doesn't really get along with you, for whatever reason. It's sad that this is the case, but honestly, I think going on holiday with someone is quite an intense environment where eventually everyone will slightly get on your nerves - and she only knows everyone through her DP, after all; you aren't 'her' friends as such. That doesn't excuse her being arsey with you in normal conversation but I think that everyone, at some point, has had a good old moan to their DP behind closed doors about someone who is annoying them - it's just that you happened to be able to hear her, but she couldn't have known that.

I don't think you should confront her, but I would imagine you'll just ease off on contact with her at this point once the holiday's over. Appreciate you'll still see her with Tom, but I suspect that eventually it will just be the case that Tom and your DH start to see each other without you and Anna. You don't have to have it out with her unless she's rude to you face to face again.

Say nothing now but be polite. You are not friends with her by choice so start to avoid her once you return from holiday. Never ever holiday with them again you don't need to. If your DH is asked anything by Tom he should say that you both overheard them talking about you for 45 mins and can only imagine that she did have a lot to say about you. Bear in mind she probably spoke about you in their walk back too.

Don't holiday with them again. Tom sounds a bit tragic with his attempts to recapture his youth clubbing and shaking up with an eye rolling 20 something.

My DP has a few very good school friends, we have been together for 20 years so I now know them all pretty well, been to their weddings we've all had babies etc

One of the wives does not like me and never has, i'm always nice to her and used to go out of my way to be friendly etc etc it used to really upset me and i used to dread nights out with her. Now i'm older I have come to terms with the fact we just can't like everyone and not to waste my time with her - we are civil and will have a laugh if out together but I do not go out of my way for her and its a very superficial relationship, which is fine.

Haven't RTFT and completely missing the point I am sure but in my experience not many people make it to 4/5am at a club without ... a little help? I am quite old so perhaps this has changed now and CLEARLY I do not wish to advocate or condone any illegal activity but I just had to say that I am amazed and impressed by anyone who has the stamina to stay up till then unassisted so to speak - at any age!! Well done you if you manage it.

Why did I have to wait until page 5, before someone brought up drugs? Not that I would suggest that myself but 5 pages in?

@BrittleJoys
Now there’s a plan for op for tonight. Turn in early and make the place shake. 😂

so you were bitching about the event they were looking forward to. Anna was not amused and bitched back

I think this is the crux of it. Try looking it from Anna’s POV OP - this may have been something her and Tom were looking forward to and she may have taken your ‘little jokes’ as you being a dick -so she acted like a dick back.

Maybe Anna picks up on the fact you aren’t keen on her and this is why she was talking about you?

There’s no need to get het up about it all, we cant all get on brilliantly or be best friends with everyone, just be polite and friendly (life is too short to waste energy being a dick to other people) and enjoy the people your are friends with.

@bravelurker, not sure whether I should be apologising or not. I should probably have walked away from my keyboard. For the avoidance of doubt, I wasn't suggesting or recommending anything!

She probably thinks you are patronizing, smug and self-righteous, and a party-pooper with it. You might not mean to come across that way, but first you whined and moaned at length about how tired you would be from this night out that she and her partner were really looking forward to, and then there was the conversation about marriage which, again, could have come across without you intending it to as a putdown for her, with all the implications that 'proper adults' are married and don't go clubbing.

And now you are all cross that she has had a conversation with her partner about her opinion of you. She is entitled to think you are a Smug Married, you probably make it much clearer than you think that you regard her as your inferior. Let it go, and don't go on holiday with this couple again - and do bear in mind that she is not unreasonable in disliking someone who obviously dislikes her.

@ReanimatedSGB but tell us what you really think...... are you having a tough day?

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you were being a bit over dramatic about ONE late night out. I think maybe she was just annoyed that you were being a massive party pooper. Embrace it, have a few drinks, enjoy the experience. Sounds like a great birthday night out whilst on holiday!

She complained about you to her boyfriend and you've come on an Internet chat forum to do the same about her

Women like to talk and sometimes that talk involves negative comments - you just made negative comments about her - be it justified.....you just told potentially thousands of people about her negative behaviour. I always say to my husband - I do not mind what my m'n'law says to my f'n'law about me - she is entitled to get things off her chest just in the way I am entitled to complain to my hubby about her. Better to complain to him than for me to fall out with her. You accidentally heard something you were not meant to hear. Let it go and enjoy your holiday. She does not sound very nice so if I was you I would back off trying so hard with her. She is very young and lacks the life experience you have - maybe her boyfriend will tire of her.

Regardless of the multiple whinging from all parties, I read something here the other week and it's the answer to your problems, OP... a "Disco Nap". Seems just the ticket!

I've never really left the club scene, despite my wrinkles...

There’s only one thing worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about. I find it hilarious when I overhear people talking about me. Lighten up. Live love laugh.

darkclouds, I know that's a meme-thingie because I've seen it. The reality is that people do not like being talked about, no matter how trendy it is to pretend that you do.

@wonkywheels, this is not my first day on MN so I thought I had best put down the disclaimer .
But 5 pages in?

@Barbarafromblackpool Op has said her dh is in his 20's, so presumably his friend Tom is too. She is with a bunch of 20 year olds, it's not crazy that Tom would want to go to this.

I honestly do not get why you are expected to even apologise in the situation. You had a laugh at yourselves and joked about not being able to stay up. This wasn’t rude towards Tom. Funny though that you bend over backwards to apologise not just once but that your friend did not have the grace to apologise for his and his GF incredibly rude behaviour. The only one being utterly rude is GF with her actual behaviour. Personally, I think she is very insecure and may well be disposable within that friendship group. I reckon she is the kind to poopoo the idea of marriage in such an infantile way because no marriage proposal is coming forward. It’s like a toddler kicking something and snarkily shouting, that they didn’t want an ice cream anyway. I would ignore her and treat her like the immature brat she is. At some point even Tom must realise she is being a cowbag. Might be her last holiday with the group.

So...you agreed to something you wouldn't normally do BEFORE the holiday and then decided to moan about it and how difficult it was going to be extensively to everyone when you arrived and everything was sorted. You then spent 45 MINUTES listening through a wall.

I don't think I'd like to go on holiday with you, OP.

You're late thirties?

I'd imagine Tom and Anna will be staying up all night with the aid of pills and coke. That's the only reason anyone is able to make it through all nighters.

Anna is probably a hard partying bitch and feels you're cramping her style with all your talk of naps and coffee.

It sounds like Tom wants the two of you to go, but Anna not so much.

I'd gracefully bow out OP, unless you're ready to spend the night surrounded by people on class A's.

I could easily pull an all nighter with good company, drinks and good music. No drugs needed. Why is that always the assumption on MN