Overheard friend talking about us...

[HolidayHolly]

A what would you do...
For context.. On holiday in a villa in Spain with DH and his 2 friends and their DP. Average age early 30's, I'm late 30's and Anna is 20's. Plan was to go to a big club one night this week to see a famous DJ. This is not our usual type of thing or chosen night out (usually in bed by 12!) but it was a special request by my DH's friend 'Tom', who missed out on all the nightlife holiday stuff in his younger days and asked if we could all do this as a one-off. We all agreed ages ago and booked tickets for this one off event. The dj comes on in the early hours of the morning, (think 4-5am ish) so it's going to be hard work to stay awake!

Anyway we were all sat round at dinner discussing the event and DH and I were talking about how hard we were going to find it to stay awake long enough for the event and what our tactics would be, eg having a nap during the day before, trying to change our body clock etc. DH made a joke about why on earth we booked this, what were we thinking etc. Tom said we could always cancel if it's too difficult for everyone. I felt Tom was a bit concerned by me and DH being negative about the event, so I said sorry if we sounded negative, and that we were keen to go but just worried we would spoil it or not enjoy it due to tiredness so trying to come up with a plan. He seemed fine and said no worries, and made a joke about drinking loads of coffee. However, Tom's gf Anna became a bit passive aggressive, saying things along the lines of "don't listen to those two fuckers Tom" and "well they can fuck off and we'll go by ourselves", in a 'jokey' way.
Later on the conversation turned up marriage (DH and I are but Anna and Tom are not) and when another person asked Anna if she'd like to get married she was making disdainful faces towards me and DH and saying "no way" and making rolling eyes / yawn type faces. There has been more of this behaviour but I can't be bothered to list it all here.

Anyway on the way home Anna and Tom wanted to walk back by themselves instead of getting a cab with us, and I had the strong sense that Anna was going to be talking about us. At the villa everyone went to bed but I could hear Anna's voice talking to Tom for ages in their room (walls very thin). I could hear snatches of sentences and then lots of words I couldn't make out. I heard her say my name and then talk about me and. I couldn't make out whole sentences but heard things like "the problem with Holly is..." and "people like that they just..." etc etc. This went on for about 45 minutes and I could hear Tom interjecting with words but mainly Anna talking to him.

I feel crap this morning. I don't know how best to approach the day or the rest of this holiday. I hate all this crap which feels like teenage behaviour to me. None of my friends behave like this- we just communicate openly. I know that if it wasn't for DH friendship with Tom I would never choose to have a person like Anna in my life as she feels somewhat insecure and toxic, but for DH sake I have always tried to get on with her and on the surface have done so. I have shown her kindness, involving her in my bridal party things as Tom was DH's best man, so as not to make her feel left out. I am also sad because I do like Tom very much and feel sad if these conversations are being had.

It all sounds ridiculously PETTY I know - and that's because it is! Do I just zone out and get through this holiday with a false smile? I hate being disingenuous though.

I'd be very tempted to point out that, unless something horrible happens, she won't always be in her 20s. Or 30s. Or even 40s.
I wouldn't because I'm a bit feeble about confrontation.

But she sounds like the sort that says things like "The Battle of Hastings? Never heard of it. Before my time ".
Subtext: I'm sooo young.

Yeah. 1066 was before everybody currently living's time.

Given she was being rude while you were out (rolling her eyes at the mere thought of marriage etc), do you think she guessed you could hear through the wall and saw an opportunity to pack in the passive aggressive comments?

Or am I an cynic?

You were both rude tbh

You sound very mismatched.
You were annoying with your pa negativity and in the privacy of their room this is what they said.
Don’t say anything- and don’t plan any more trips! Too incompatible

T0getherindreams
What other people think of you is none of your business.

Anyone who isn't upset to hear negative things said to or about them has a very thick skin. So thick that they're probably quite nasty about other people all the time, and think it's normal.

OP there really isn't anything you can do. In your shoes I wouldn't bother my arse going to the DJ, you won't enjoy it and she'll be watching you like a hawk to see if you yawn, so she can do some eye-rolling.

Everybody bitches about other people. It’s completely normal. You shouldn’t have been listening.

Do not say anything. You overheard something you weren't s supposed to hear. No one who eavesdrops ever hears good things. And of course you didn't mean to, but that's what you were doing. She has the right to whinge to her boyfriend in the privacy of her own room. And honestly, you can't be surprised - it's pretty clear that before you overheard this conversation that you knew she thought you were a bit fuddy dude.

You sound like me in that you were not looking forward to this big event and are really nervous about it so you went on and on. DH has made it clear to me that when I'm doing that kind of thing it is not useful, nor kind. And I agree. So I try not to do it anymore. (although would probably still whinge to DH). You need to do the same. You agreed to go. It's one night. It might even be fun. The secret is to drink regularly spaced out tequilas to keep you perky and lots of water.

I'd say what @BingBongBay suggested

Thanks @Juells. I'm actually not as decrepit as this thread implies. I went to a massive club not that long ago and lived to tell the tale. I think the conversation just took a turn for the worse - DH and I were expressing our worries about not being able to handle it and others were agreeing to be fair- it was good natured- but then there was an atmosphere due to her passive aggressive comments. I was not passive aggressive. Being pa is when you are covering up your true feelings with veiled comments. That's not what I did. I was very honest and upfront about my worries about what if I "let the side down". I am a very honest and real person- perhaps I was too honest and I have accepted it pooped on Tom's party.

Anyway, as per my update, I apologised again to Tom this morning and he seemed cool and was v nice. I don't like leaving things unsaid and would rather we cleared the air which I made the effort to do. So hopefully with him that's all sorted and I will not mention feeling tired from now on.

I am feeling awkward though, as I know they spent a long time slagging us off, or at least she did to him. In the conversation I heard her say a few things which I now can't unhear. It's a horrible feeling. But I'm obviously not going to mention that specifically.

We are not compatible as I said, but I have always been kind and made an effort for DH.

And to be clear, I didn't eavesdrop! I was in my bed and could hear it through the walls. Would have to have listened to music or something not to hear it.

Thanks @BlingLoving - good tip about the drinking

Do you not see that you actually started it though by being a Debbie Downer about the night out? There really was no need to harp on about methods of staying awake - your not 90 fgs. If I was Tom/Anna I'd have been petty pissed off and would have told you to stay home and go to bed with a mug of cocoa. People talk about others behind their backs all the time - don't fool yourself that your friends don't do it. You didn't hear the full conversation so you can hardly approach her about it. Forget about it and try to enjoy the rest of the holiday.

I'm obviously not going to mention that specifically

Whatever you do, don't get drunk and leery and tell her all about it

Split up. You do your thing and let them do their thing
Let them go early hours clubbing on their own or you will be accused of cramping their style

Anna is entitled to her opinions. Her face pulling is childish and annoying but I don’t think you can complain about a conversation she had about you that wasn’t meant for your ears. At least she had the manners to wait until you were absent to bitch about you.

I frequently go away with large groups of friends some of whom I like more than others and have been known to vent about some of them when I’m in the supposed privacy of my own room. Once I’ve got it off my chest I can meet up with them the next day and be normally civilised and friendly. I’m quite sure that other people vent about me in a similar way. I’d be mortified if anyone heard what I said about them and equally I’d much rather not know what other people say behind my back.

So she complained about you in the privacy of her room and you're complaining about her on the internet? I'd say you're about even.

Everyone has talked about someone at some point. It's not nice to hear but can you honestly say you've never moaned to your DH about someone?

The thing is you overheard a private conversation.Its not like you walked in on her in the kitchen giving out about you.

If you wanted to discuss how you where going to stay awake,discuss it privately.Not beside the 2 people who really wanted to go.

I think just get this holiday over with and dont go way with them again.

@slashlover I hear what you're saying, but I think I felt shocked at the extent of the bitching. Ie there's a difference between a throwaway comment such as "oh bloody hell Holly got on my nerves this evening" to a full on 45 minute session ripping into us. I believe that Tom wouldn't do that ordinarily, and DH and I have not done that about others. We have made one off private comments along the usual lines, but not long character attacks on friends.

Anna sounds like a PITA, but I'd be more annoyed about her rudeness in front of you than about her talking about you in private to her DP. Presumably she didn't know you could hear, and most people bitch a bit sometimes in private to let off steam.

She does sound like a rude idiot, but then you may have come across as rude by seeming to complain about the DJ outing.

If the question of staying awake comes up again, I'd be tempted to drop something into conversation about how none of you will have any trouble staying up late tonight... your body clocks get later and later on holiday; just look at Tom and Anna chatting away till x o'clock last night. But it really doesn't matter that the walls are so thin, because we were all awake anyway.

Tbh you both drew the mood down if you haven't got kids and holidays why cant you go out and have a late night.

I think if you'd have behaved impeccably then you'd be well within your rights to be miffed.
But you yourself admit that you didn't, to the extent that Tom (not her) felt he should say something yesterday and hence why you've apologised this morning. So therefore I'd just take it as the normal venting about irritations done behind closed doors, that is completely natural when in close company of other people (even nice, well loved ones!) for any extended length of time

I think it's good you apologised. What's interesting is you're painting yourself as totally innocent on this thread, but from what I can see your knocking on forty, are with a crowd substantially younger than you, so should understand you did start it.

You agreed to go to this thing, and clearly didn't take the hint from Anna that you were raining on toms parade, she was making passive aggressive remarks to stop you, and you just kept on going on, to the extent Tom has to say don't come if it's too difficult for you.

You didn't need to have an extensive discussion on "strategies" in front of them, Anna was clearly trying to get you to stop. And you didn't. Hence there was some bad feeling and they discussed it. She wasn't making those comments because she's a bitch, she was making those comments because she knew you were upsetting her partner and wanted you to stop going on.

Yes @Ambidexte I think I was feeling awful coming home in the taxi as I felt the passive aggressive comments at dinner and the faces etc were rude and handles badly. By that stage I had already apologised to Tom for being a pooper. That said, I think I am making it sound like we were all complaining for ages when really it wasn't like that. It was more along the lines of people joking about the lengths they'd go to to stay awake to start the night at 5am and worrying that we are none of us regular clubbers. I then suggested a few tactics (and would have been better off shutting up at that point).

Drum18 Are you the bitchy and gossipy subject of this post? Being a "Debbie Downer" because her and her spouse were making jokes?

It's shitty she was talking about you but you made a mountain out of a molehill over one late night? Did you both really need to keep going on about needing a plan and it being hard to stay awake? It's one night, just have a lie in the day before ffs.

I'd be raging if my partner really wanted to go somewhere and his mates who agreed were going on like this. I would have told you two to leave it and just stay home. Either agree and make it a good time, or say no we won't be able to stay awake and politely decline. No need to agree and then ruin it by being a party pooper.

Just let it go, you're both as bad as each other anyway (she complained to her partner about you, you're complaining about her on a public forum).

I think even my 84 year old dad could stay awake for one night, this is nothing to do with age at all.

I'm glad she spoke up to you, you shouldn't have been going on about staying up late, it's only one night and it's a special occasion. You probably hurt his feelings.

I go to bed early every night too, but I think complaining about the event has rubbed them up the wrong way, it might not be your idea of fun but reading your post, it's probably a good idea to do something outside your comfort zone.

Enjoy the night and forget about the cross words, she was just defending him.