Overheard friend talking about us...

[HolidayHolly]

A what would you do...
For context.. On holiday in a villa in Spain with DH and his 2 friends and their DP. Average age early 30's, I'm late 30's and Anna is 20's. Plan was to go to a big club one night this week to see a famous DJ. This is not our usual type of thing or chosen night out (usually in bed by 12!) but it was a special request by my DH's friend 'Tom', who missed out on all the nightlife holiday stuff in his younger days and asked if we could all do this as a one-off. We all agreed ages ago and booked tickets for this one off event. The dj comes on in the early hours of the morning, (think 4-5am ish) so it's going to be hard work to stay awake!

Anyway we were all sat round at dinner discussing the event and DH and I were talking about how hard we were going to find it to stay awake long enough for the event and what our tactics would be, eg having a nap during the day before, trying to change our body clock etc. DH made a joke about why on earth we booked this, what were we thinking etc. Tom said we could always cancel if it's too difficult for everyone. I felt Tom was a bit concerned by me and DH being negative about the event, so I said sorry if we sounded negative, and that we were keen to go but just worried we would spoil it or not enjoy it due to tiredness so trying to come up with a plan. He seemed fine and said no worries, and made a joke about drinking loads of coffee. However, Tom's gf Anna became a bit passive aggressive, saying things along the lines of "don't listen to those two fuckers Tom" and "well they can fuck off and we'll go by ourselves", in a 'jokey' way.
Later on the conversation turned up marriage (DH and I are but Anna and Tom are not) and when another person asked Anna if she'd like to get married she was making disdainful faces towards me and DH and saying "no way" and making rolling eyes / yawn type faces. There has been more of this behaviour but I can't be bothered to list it all here.

Anyway on the way home Anna and Tom wanted to walk back by themselves instead of getting a cab with us, and I had the strong sense that Anna was going to be talking about us. At the villa everyone went to bed but I could hear Anna's voice talking to Tom for ages in their room (walls very thin). I could hear snatches of sentences and then lots of words I couldn't make out. I heard her say my name and then talk about me and. I couldn't make out whole sentences but heard things like "the problem with Holly is..." and "people like that they just..." etc etc. This went on for about 45 minutes and I could hear Tom interjecting with words but mainly Anna talking to him.

I feel crap this morning. I don't know how best to approach the day or the rest of this holiday. I hate all this crap which feels like teenage behaviour to me. None of my friends behave like this- we just communicate openly. I know that if it wasn't for DH friendship with Tom I would never choose to have a person like Anna in my life as she feels somewhat insecure and toxic, but for DH sake I have always tried to get on with her and on the surface have done so. I have shown her kindness, involving her in my bridal party things as Tom was DH's best man, so as not to make her feel left out. I am also sad because I do like Tom very much and feel sad if these conversations are being had.

It all sounds ridiculously PETTY I know - and that's because it is! Do I just zone out and get through this holiday with a false smile? I hate being disingenuous though.

@AfterSchoolWorry that's bullshit - I've stayed up all night without the aid of illegal drugs! Drink yes drugs no

There’s only one thing worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about.

Can I point out that Oscar Wilde said this well before his trial and sentence to a prison term with hard labour? If you're a successful, married, late-Victorian playwright, well-known for your dalliances with under-age rentboys at a time when homosexuality was illegal, then sometimes not being talked about is much safer.

They're in Spain, the DJ is coming on at 4/5pm. Of course 95% of people will be chemically enhanced.

Complete non-event. Just enjoy your holiday.

Yes but you said

That's the only reason anyone is able to make it through all nighters.

Which isn't true, sure a lot of people take drugs but I wouldn't automatically assume anyone who can make it through midnight to be on drugs.

(I only meant that I am genuinely impressed by anyone who can pull an all nighter - and wants to - without the help of drugs. I definitely don't think people SHOULD do drugs. Or that everyone else will be. At this club. I guess I have only really been in clubs where people still dancing at 4/5am mostly WERE on drugs. This is in brackets as I entirely realise it is not remotely central to the issue at hand.)

I do remember at the end of our wedding someone jokingly saying "do you want a wedding Anna" and her saying "no fucking way, I can't imagine anything worse than a wedding" and screwing her nose up, whilst I was sat next to her.
Anna sounds jealous/ insecure with no social awareness. You won't win if you try to go head to head and say something. It is grim when holidays are ruined by friends, you can claw it back by realising that it is her problem and emotionally distancing yourself from her toxicity.

AfterSchoolWorry are you including yourself in the 95%? Maybe that would explain why you're talking bollocks.

Bloody hell OP have you never heard of having a disco nap on holiday? I was doing it 20+ years ago when I was in my 20s!

Come in from your day in the sun or whatever, go for a kip about 6/7 pm for a couple of hours, get up and get ready to go out about 11pm ,...I thought everyone did that

To be clear, no-one is doing drugs, no judgements from me but it's not up anyone's street in the group I'm with. Also, the whole marriage chat was raised by another person in the group, I said nothing. And finally to be clear, yes it was joking, that we were too out of practice, rather than moaning and whingeing. And the club night starts at 5am, not finishes then.

I wouldn't go on holiday with people 10 years younger than myself fuck that. I feel exhausted just thinking about it

I feel for you OP but I think you just have to let it go. I had a similar scenario with my DP's friend's wife. She's younger than me, is a spoiled brat, and always turned her nose up at everything we did. I stopped socialising with them to avoid her but over the years she's mellowed and we actually have quite a lot in common. We'll never be friends but I'm glad I never made a big deal out of her attitude as it just got better with time, and it would've made things between my DP and his friend awkward.

Yeah makes sense. To be fair they're not all 10 years younger than me, there's a mix of ages. But my DH is, and so there is always an element of it. That's what I signed up to when I married him and I'm good friends with everyone else, just as he is fine mixing with my friendship group and gets on well with everyone. It is just this one person who I am experiencing this with.

It's difficult to bring up stuff you have overheard but I wouldn't let her direct rudeness carry on unchecked or she'll no doubt continue, you give an example of a 'jokey' way of calling you '2 fuckers'. People who make snidey comments are usually unarmed by directness, so if you say 'Er Anna,exactly why are you being so rude about us, you don't sound very pleasant, is there a problem?' and see what she says to that. Good luck.

If she's still as bad I wouldn't be going on hols with her again.

Drugs needed? Rubbish. Give me a break. FFS anyone who feels the need should try doing a night shift on an NHS ward after being up most of the day!

"Try looking it from Anna’s POV OP - this may have been something her and Tom were looking forward to and she may have taken your ‘little jokes’ as you being a dick -so she acted like a dick back."

By the sounds of it Anna has to bear the brunt of lots of little jokes. As said, ypu don't know what the reasons are that people are unmarried, or childless, they aren't subject matters to be joked about.

She's entitled to her opinion of people and allowed to voice it to her Partner.

"I'd imagine Tom and Anna will be staying up all night with the aid of pills and coke. That's the only reason anyone is able to make it through all nighters."

AfterSchoolWorry don't be ridiculous. I've done many a 12 hour night shift, in a busy care home, with Women in their 60's. We've all stayed up all day. I also done many all nightets, even in my 40's.

@HolidayHolly did you go on the night out? Was anything said?

Hi @Howmanysleepsnow
Yes I can update you. We went on the night out on Friday. After the conversation earlier in the week I made sure I was nothing but positive about the occasion but snide remarks continued all week in the build up. I prepared myself and was wide awake and energetic still at 7am so I didn't let the side down. Anna in fact was very drunk on tequila and tired / eyes closing by 4am and she was asking to go home. She ended up being sick and another friend took her back to our villa by himself whilst the rest of us stayed for the main event. Tom wanted to take her back himself but he would have missed the event and so another kind friend stepped in to look after her.
In the meantime a different friend has had to leave unexpectedly early with their DP due to a family emergency (all ok thankfully but needed to be in the UK) and so the dynamics have changed slightly and the group is now smaller. We only have a few days left and I am trying to remain tight lipped and find my own space where possible, but it is not easy and not a very relaxing atmosphere sadly.
I have struggled to move past what I overheard last week, even though it was in the privacy of their own room, the words keep coming back to me. I need some space when we get home to feel normal again.

Well done for being so mature about it OP and well done for pacing yourself!

Yes I think a well deserved break from them now.

I’m on Anna’s side. You and your DH ‘jokingly’ kept going on about how tiring the late night event was going to be to the point you made the person who wanted to go feel so uncomfortable he had to apologize for even suggesting? I can see why his gf would be upset on his behalf. Then you come over all superior, smug married person to unmarried but happily cohabiting couple and she’s not supposed to resent you talking down to her? Everything you say here sends a condescending message that you’re looking down your nose at her, I can imagine it came over worse in person. And why? Because she happens to be younger and at a different life stage to you? She has more excuse for any perceived immaturity at 29 than you do for yours in your late 30s. She vented to her bf about you, you weren’t supposed to hear it, act like you didn’t and move on.

@MagneticSingularity could you explain exactly how I was a "smug married" and talked down to her about marriage?

I didn't speak a word to her about marriage.

Thanks @ElspethFlashman

Six of one, half a dozen of the other. You obviously don’t like each other very much, but I don’t think Anna’s comments as reported were any worse than yours. And blowing off steam to her partner in the privacy of her own room is a non-event IMO, though I can imagine it was unpleasant to overhear (the bits that you could hear).

Anna is not the devil and you’re not an angel. In your shoes I would definitely be keeping my distance from her, though. Not because she has done anything dreadful, but simply because you don’t like her, the feeling is mutual, and life is short.

Tom by the sounds of it was just interjecting to show he was listening. But he's wasn't contributing. He's known you a lot longer so was probably thinking his gf was being an idiot!

You're dwelling on it too much. Move on. Tom will see her for what she is eventually and if not it doesn't matter, what will be will be. Only you can be in charge of how this affects you, by the sounds of it she's not worth the effort of being the reason to bring you down and spoil the holiday.