Overheard friend talking about us...

[HolidayHolly]

A what would you do...
For context.. On holiday in a villa in Spain with DH and his 2 friends and their DP. Average age early 30's, I'm late 30's and Anna is 20's. Plan was to go to a big club one night this week to see a famous DJ. This is not our usual type of thing or chosen night out (usually in bed by 12!) but it was a special request by my DH's friend 'Tom', who missed out on all the nightlife holiday stuff in his younger days and asked if we could all do this as a one-off. We all agreed ages ago and booked tickets for this one off event. The dj comes on in the early hours of the morning, (think 4-5am ish) so it's going to be hard work to stay awake!

Anyway we were all sat round at dinner discussing the event and DH and I were talking about how hard we were going to find it to stay awake long enough for the event and what our tactics would be, eg having a nap during the day before, trying to change our body clock etc. DH made a joke about why on earth we booked this, what were we thinking etc. Tom said we could always cancel if it's too difficult for everyone. I felt Tom was a bit concerned by me and DH being negative about the event, so I said sorry if we sounded negative, and that we were keen to go but just worried we would spoil it or not enjoy it due to tiredness so trying to come up with a plan. He seemed fine and said no worries, and made a joke about drinking loads of coffee. However, Tom's gf Anna became a bit passive aggressive, saying things along the lines of "don't listen to those two fuckers Tom" and "well they can fuck off and we'll go by ourselves", in a 'jokey' way.
Later on the conversation turned up marriage (DH and I are but Anna and Tom are not) and when another person asked Anna if she'd like to get married she was making disdainful faces towards me and DH and saying "no way" and making rolling eyes / yawn type faces. There has been more of this behaviour but I can't be bothered to list it all here.

Anyway on the way home Anna and Tom wanted to walk back by themselves instead of getting a cab with us, and I had the strong sense that Anna was going to be talking about us. At the villa everyone went to bed but I could hear Anna's voice talking to Tom for ages in their room (walls very thin). I could hear snatches of sentences and then lots of words I couldn't make out. I heard her say my name and then talk about me and. I couldn't make out whole sentences but heard things like "the problem with Holly is..." and "people like that they just..." etc etc. This went on for about 45 minutes and I could hear Tom interjecting with words but mainly Anna talking to him.

I feel crap this morning. I don't know how best to approach the day or the rest of this holiday. I hate all this crap which feels like teenage behaviour to me. None of my friends behave like this- we just communicate openly. I know that if it wasn't for DH friendship with Tom I would never choose to have a person like Anna in my life as she feels somewhat insecure and toxic, but for DH sake I have always tried to get on with her and on the surface have done so. I have shown her kindness, involving her in my bridal party things as Tom was DH's best man, so as not to make her feel left out. I am also sad because I do like Tom very much and feel sad if these conversations are being had.

It all sounds ridiculously PETTY I know - and that's because it is! Do I just zone out and get through this holiday with a false smile? I hate being disingenuous though.

@Bluntness100 yes I accept much of what you say. I've taken responsibility for my insensitivity towards Tom. What I felt was unnecessary and immature was the passive aggressive comments, which was then compounded by hearing the slagging off later and presumably all smiles today. I am upfront and honest and I don't like fakeness in people so I found that behaviour difficult. I would rather calmly and clearly just state what's going on in a respectful manner. Eg "I think Tom might be upset that you are sounding so down about his event".

This is the Hellish side of having a younger partner. I am older than DH and when he was still in his twenties his friends drove me bonkers. I remember one naice middle class girl explaining earnestly how she had moved to the poor inner city area because it was “gritty” , while I cringed inwardly. Watch the episode of Sex and the City when Carrie wakes up in a twenty-something apartment...
She sounds quite immature, smile tolerantly and take refuge in a good book.

Perhaps she just doesn’t like you OP?

I heard a good quote the other day ‘I no longer sit at tables where I am the topic when I get up’.

This definitely applies in your situation. Although I don’t think you did yourselves any favours I still think she was rude.

Definitely don’t go on holiday with these people again because you clearly have nothing in common!

You're 'upfront and honest' but you've stated that you find her passive aggressive, toxic and insecure. Presumably you've not said any of this to her face?

I think the pair of you are more alike than you think!

God, I wouldn't like any of my friends to overhear me and my husband's conversations about them, 90% good but always a minimal amount of judginess too tbh.

This is why I avoid most people really. I have a couple of close friends but feel confused by the bitchyness that colours most general friendships.

Ah @SirVixofVixHall so glad to hear someone in the same boat. It is one of the downsides yes. The others are all great and v mature but I am finding this friendship challenging.

I get it OP.
I have a night planned that won't be finished until 6am and I won't get home until about 8. I'm really looking forward to it but also internally panicking about how I'm going to keep up. Why? Why did I agree to this?
I have said I may leave early, and I have annoyed a few people as they were planning on staying at mine as it's easier for public transport.
But sod it. They can sort themselves out.
It's your night out as well, and it should end when you want it to. Better to say 'night guys enjoy the rest of the night!' and leave them to it than hang about drooping, yawning and checking your watch constantly.

I wouldn't bother engaging with Anna. I doubt she will change her mind about you. But I would mention how thin the walls are and see if she squirms.
And buy a packet of pro plus.
And don't initiate anything social with her again, even for politeness' sake.

@OMGshefoundmeout I'm fully prepared that this could be the case, although I know I am a nice person and have always treated her with kindness. I was silly and insensitive last night but I was human, and I apologised straight away afterwards. The bitching was a shock because I have always made an effort and extended kind gestures towards her.

The OP's mistake was agreeing to go to the hellish DJ thing in the first place

I think Anna sounds rather insecure. Why spend ages bitching about you (sounds like Tom was rather bored and wanted to go to sleep rather than listen to her go on and on and on about something she couldn't change). Are you, perhaps, more successful than her, Holly? Or does she secretly wish that Tom would propose to her? Because she sounds like she's got a HUGE beef with you, and you being older and 'boring' is the only ammunition she has to use against you.

I'd ignore it all. She'll grow out of it. Or she won't, and Tom will move on to someone else.

She is 29 not early 20's. my DH is the same age as her.

Do you think she's having a dig because you're older than your DH? And she has some sort of issue with that? How is she with/towards him?

@Worgust I think you're confusing honesty with outright rudeness. I simply meant that I was honest about my concerns (but I admit I was insensitive about going on too much), and that if I feel an atmosphere I would rather speak about it to clear the air such is what I have done. I don't go in for passive aggressive comments towards people. Just politely say what you mean.

You were PA about the night out. So was she in her response and then you overheard her slagging you off. No one was innocent I think you should ignore it and accept that you're not compatible. I'm not sure why you agreed to the night out. Sounds like hello, perhaps it would have been better for them to have gone ahead.

So what you're saying is, your PA meaning was silly and insensitive , therefore minimising it. But her having a moan behind your back about it is so much worse and crosses some sort of line. As I say, I think you all had your part to play in this. You've apologised to your friend so I would leave it at that.

Anna sounds awful, the night out sounds unbearable. I wouldn't go on holiday with her again but in the meantime just try to forget it and get along with her for the rest of the holiday. I don't think you did anything wrong OP, you were joking about how late a start the night was, when it was clear Tom was a bit upset you apologised.

Gah. That was meant to say PA moaning.

@Zaphodsotherhead @AryaStarkWolf I'm not too sure what goes on in her head really. She is always v nice to my DH. I invited her along to my bridal party bits and one of my friends (unprompted by me) did say afterwards "is that Anna a tricky one?". I didn't get into a discussion about it and just replied "I think she's nice", but I remembered my friend saying that.
Obviously she's younger so her career is not as far ahead but she's doing v well in her area. She works in quite a cut throat industry whereas I work helping people, so that's different. But we have similar interests.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Of course it is. Why would anyone want to spend time with people who don't like them?

@Zaphodsotherhead and I do remember at the end of our wedding someone jokingly saying "do you want a wedding Anna" and her saying "no fucking way, I can't imagine anything worse than a wedding" and screwing her nose up, whilst I was sat next to her.

I'd just let it go - she's not your friend, she's the current girlfriend of your husband's mate and the two of you have clearly failed to bond.

leave it. She was letting off steam to her DP in the privacy of her own room

No she wasn't, sounds like she was bitching and being nasty when out too!
However, Tom's gf Anna became a bit passive aggressive, saying things along the lines of "don't listen to those two fuckers Tom" and "well they can fuck off and we'll o ourselves
and when another person asked Anna if she'd like to get married she was making disdainful faces towards me and DH and saying "no way" and making rolling eyes / yawn type faces. There has been more of this behaviour but I can't be bothered to list it all here

Tom sounds OK, she sounds an utter delight though (polite version lol)
OP has said she apologised for coming across as a bit of a downer.
So was there any need for Anna to be such a cow about it?
I'd probably leave it and not say anything, it'll only make it worse.
Maybe something about not getting much sleep as the walls were a bit thin if I really couldn't let it go lol, but that'd probably just make it more awks

@HolidayHolly oh I would ask your friend what she meant by that when you get home. But for this situation, you can't control how other people act so If I were you i would just let it go over your head and limit time spent with her as much as you can and try to enjoy the rest of your holiday

@HolidayHolly fucking he'll op I don't know why people are ripping you as you haven't done anything wrong at all?

She's a bitch for being so nasty and slagging you off. It's like playgroup bullying. I'd honestly talk to her alone and ask her if there's a problem? Or if you've done anything wrong as you heard everything she said about you the night before. I'm sure she'd change her tune then!

You've apologised to Tom which is more than I'd have done.

Hope the rest of your holiday improves x

I'm not sure why the op is getting a hard time from some posters - she said the whole group were just chatting generally about how to stay awake in a jokey manner. Not being rude etc. Tbh me and my friends would probably have the same conversation as none of us go clubbing!

This Anna is just a plan bitch tho! Her comments weren't needed!

I'd say something - Keep it light and breezy (always reminds me of Monica!) but make sure she realises you have heard her bitching!