MN Beginners Guide.

[SeaSaltandLime]

• A isn't a good thing.
• You must RTFT (read the full thread) before commenting.
• If you find an unidentifiable object in your home, you must lick it.

If that object is moving, you must poke it.

• You can bookmark and save threads. Placemarking and littering (I.e putting . on a thread) is not necessary.
• Any parking threads must include a diagram.
• Adding a 'fuck you daily mail' disclaimer to your thread will do fuck all.
• You do not need to prove your MN worthiness after a name change by including old 'classic' thread themes (naice ham, Pom Bears..) It's not necessary.

Anymore to add?

Post at least once on completely the wrong thread .

Never post something along the lines of "We have just had our living room painted in Farrow and Ball's Elephant's Breath and I'm really disappointed as my husband's convinced it's a bog stand beige when I see it as a lovely soft grey colour. AIBU to tell him he's colour blind?". You will be accused of a stealth boast.

Always congratulate any poster announcing a pregnancy regardless of their circumstances (eg 5 children already, no idea who father is, single parent living in a caravan and no money....)

But are tears rolling down your face, did you wake the baby, is your DH looking at you in wonder, your DCat and Ddog who are both sleeping on the bed despite mn fears about poo crumbs been shaken awake by your laughter? You really must give depth to your statement that you're laughing

Lucky they didn't have a cup of tea with them, the duvet would be covered with it being spat out

If you make a simple and easily understood typo, say "teh" for "the", you must randomly reply several posts later with a completely contextless and apologetic "sorry I meant "the" "

If you claim to be working class you’re clearly lying and actually middle class.

Expanding on this, if you say you are working class, you must shoehorn it it every possible post, whether it has any relevance or not.

E.g.

My friend looked at my baby funny and then ate corn on the cob. Is it because I'm working class?"

On the subject of class to be a fully paid up MNer who lives in UK, you must be obsessed with it.* Also please note:

• You can never claim to be any class. Classification on MN is used as an insult.
• Over emphasis of what class you means you are not that class, but are the one you are desperately trying to show you aren't.

• if you don't live in the UK, you need make it known you don't get the obsession with class.

‘Meal Planning’ must be a major event that takes more organisation than the Diamond Jubilee. If your ‘DH’ eats three sausages in his own house without your written permission, this will cause civilisation your Meal Plan to collapse and is grounds for divorce. No one ever thinks ‘bugger it, I’ll buy a frozen lasagne’.

Nothing can ever be a mild annoyance. You must be livid! at the tiniest transgression. Not just livid; always livid! with an exclamation mark.

@Cruddles
Lucky they didn't have a cup of tea with them, the duvet would be covered with it being spat out

Damn I knew forgot one thing!

Have a nc fail in the middle of a thread.

Have a nc fail in the middle of a thread.

It's best not to if you are the OP and your name change fail is the only poster saying YANBU and everyone else is a shower of cruel fuckers.

It's best not to if you are the OP and your name change fail is the only poster saying YANBU and everyone else is a shower of cruel fuckers.

I'm put very much in mind of a recent thread where OP said her pre-teen children were voluntarily remarking on how everyone hated OP when she took them to work, largely on the basis that her bin had not been replaced after a big office move.

She officially flounced about 4 times, but only after unflouncing to agree with a few posters that miraculously popped up to say how mean everyone else was

Thread got deleted when she realised people weren't buying her fairytale.

I saw that thread and thought it was a bit strange, just didn't add up!

I saw that thread and thought it was a bit strange, just didn't add up

I missed it.

And on that subject:

When a thread you've been enjoying (for its complete futility) has been deleted, be sure to start another one asking where the thread about the woman who lived in a cesspool with five children, one of her many ex-boyfriends, a horse and seventeen cats has gone.

Someone will be sure to tell you (loftily) that obviously it had all been a complete lie and therefore MNHQ had no option but to delete it.

When a thread you've been enjoying (for its complete futility)

There seems to more of them than genuine posters but maybe that's just me being a cynic.

You must turn the WiFi access off for your DC at 5pm. They must not have internet access (or device access) after this time.
Lock them in the car boot if need be.

Of course, you can still spend the evening scrolling through MN and telling everyone that says '5pm is a bit early' that they're terrible parents and that WiFi is going to turn kids brains into mush.
Not hypocritical at all.

No exceptions to this rule. Even if your 15yo has to finish their GCSE coursework/revision.
Rip the device from their hands and replace it with a book - after all you didn't have internet when you were their age. Why should they get it soooo easy?!

All DC (including teenagers) must be sent to be at 8.
They're not allowed downstairs after this time because there is 'adult' TV on and god forbid they watch an after the watershed episode of a David Attenborough documentary.
You know, as soon as the clock strikes 9, you'll hear him refer to polar bears as fluffy cunts.

As an aside, they can* still access this stuff during the day. But we sweep that under the carpet.

@joyfullittlehippo How dare you mention the B word?!

Don't you realise by putting half a thimble of the stuff down your toilet once a year is killing the earth?
You are the reason the earth is dying!
That's without the fact that you're eliminating every single bacteria in your home - obviously you're all going to catch an antibiotic resistant superbug and die.

You know, as soon as the clock strikes 9, you'll hear him refer to polar bears as fluffy cunts.

That genuinely made me laugh out loud 😂

@seasaltabdlime "Lock them in the car boot if need be."

What? the kids?

On the back of something I read earlier, never arrange a surprise getaway for your significant other as that is overstepping and controlling.

If someone "screamed" at you in the car park/supermarket/playground/school game or similar... make sure that's actually what they did.

What? the kids?

That's how I read it