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MN Beginners Guide.

548 replies

SeaSaltandLime · 19/08/2019 22:52

  • A Biscuit isn't a good thing.
  • You must RTFT (read the full thread) before commenting.
  • If you find an unidentifiable object in your home, you must lick it.
If that object is moving, you must poke it.
  • You can bookmark and save threads. Placemarking and littering (I.e putting . on a thread) is not necessary.
  • Any parking threads must include a diagram.
  • Adding a 'fuck you daily mail' disclaimer to your thread will do fuck all.
  • You do not need to prove your MN worthiness after a name change by including old 'classic' thread themes (naice ham, Pom Bears..) It's not necessary.

Anymore to add?

OP posts:
BenWillbondsPants · 23/08/2019 10:08

When you get dressed in the morning you must ensure you add a pop of colour, a red lip and a brogue shoe. Doing this ensures you have a fabulous day.

Teachers are always arseholes who just don't understand your free spirited child. It's nothing to do with your parenting skills at all, they should be free to disrupt 29 other children in a class without comment.

Mentioning you have a washing up bowl in your sink, toilet brush etc means you are a disgusting human being whose entire family deserves to get botulism.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 23/08/2019 10:20

There is a belter of a thread going on right now. Would you have a single drink then drive?

The best MNers are obviously saying they won't touch a single drop for a full 24hrs before they have to drive anywhere.

The second best are getting in with their "I don't have to drink to enjoy myself" which gets full marks for condescension.

FairyFavour · 23/08/2019 10:28

All bread must be crusty.

AllBellsNoWhistles · 23/08/2019 12:26

And artisan from a local baker, or better still, home made @FairyFavour 😁

nononever · 23/08/2019 12:27

Nobody ever had only one degree. They always have st least 2- one from Oxbridge.

Sadly I'm not as educated as I think as I attended neither of the above, in fact I had never heard of a Russell Group university until I read about it on here.

katewhinesalot · 23/08/2019 12:34

The second thing you mention - RTFT isn't read the full thread. It's read the fucking thread.
Sorry - as you were.

AnneKipanki · 23/08/2019 12:36

Is it ? I thought it was full .

HollysTeflonSeptum · 23/08/2019 12:40

I see it as both Grin.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 23/08/2019 13:08

It’s ‘full’ if you’re the one issuing the disclaimer (because your comment is far too insightful not to share, even if a dozen people have already said the same thing). It’s ‘fucking’ if you’re the one who HAS read the whole thread and knows this point was dealt with five pages ago.

LaMarschallin · 23/08/2019 14:07

StillCoughingandLaughing

It’s ‘fucking’ if you’re the one who HAS read the whole thread and knows this point was dealt with five pages ago.

God, yes!

But obviously my time is far more important than anybody else's and I'm very intuitive so I don't need to read the full thread.

And my post of "Cancel the cheque!" will be much more meaningful than the other identical 62 ones above it.

(I do try to read the fucking thread, or - at least - scan it. And it gives me the rage/boils my piss/some other MN hackneyed phrase when others don't.

"Overinvested? Moi?")

StillCoughingandLaughing · 23/08/2019 14:44

If an OP uses an expression you don’t understand, under no circumstances should you politely ask what it means. You mus my respond with ‘WTF does XYZ mean?!?! I have NEVER heard this in my life!! How the hell are we meant to comment?!’ If someone then tells you it’s a regional or generational issue, don’t worry - someone else will be along in a minute to say ‘Well I’m from Yorkshire/am 25/am in that industry and I have NEVER said or heard this’. The fact that the expression was largely incidental to the original point will soon be forgotten.

Admit you left your 11 year-old alone in the house for 20 minutes and you will be told you are neglectful and will have Social Services on your doorstep. Dare to suggest that the McCanns maybe shouldn’t have left two children under the age of three for several hours and your ‘not in the spirit’ thread will be deleted.

If you haven’t spent vast amounts of time and money learning to drive and running a a car because you live in a well-connected area, wouldn’t use a car for work and haven’t got anywhere to park one anyway, you will be told you’re missing out on a valuable ‘life skill’. You will be told that ‘It’s all very well if you live in London, but what would you do if you moved to a one-street village where the only public transport is a weekly horse and cart?’ Answers such as ‘I wouldn’t move there as I can’t drive’ or ‘If I was going to drastically change my lifestyle, I might learn then’ are not acceptable.

Food is either ‘grim’ or ‘the food of the Gods’. There is a certain way to serve all foods that is acceptable, and any deviation is borderline insanity. You may, just may, be given a pass if you’re from that mysterious land ‘Outside of the UK’.

LaMarschallin · 23/08/2019 14:52

@BuzzShitbagBobbly

Would you have a single drink then drive?

The best MNers are obviously saying they won't touch a single drop for a full 24hrs before they have to drive anywhere.

My DfianceDOHCo-owner-of-Dcat-the-male-who-lives-in-the-house-with-me (MN shorthand saves so much time!) actually won't touch a drop after 9pm on a particular day if he knows he'll be driving before noon the next day.

Not 24 hours though, is it?
I'm going to tell that he wouldn't be as much admired on MN as he might think. Tee hee.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 23/08/2019 14:59

He's basically an alcoholic maniac behind the wheel.

Log it with 101.

Oh and change the locks when he leaves too.

katewhinesalot · 23/08/2019 15:04

Ha, you got me. I didn't RTF ucking T Grin

I did read half of it and didn't see it mentioned.
My apologies and unmumsnetty hugs for the inconvenience.

LaMarschallin · 23/08/2019 15:09

Oh and change the locks when he leaves too

Bugger!

I wish I'd read your post before I LeftTB.

Now I'm on the doorstep and can hear lock-changing noises from inside...

MotherForkinShirtBalls · 23/08/2019 16:08

I've just left my self catering holiday villa. I only deep cleaned the kitchen, bathrooms and living spaces, shampoo-ed the carpets, stripped and revarnished the wooden floors, repainted the walls and regrouted the tiling but I didn't get to paint the ceilings. Wibu to suggest the owner keeps only 90% of the cleaning deposit?

Propertyofhood · 23/08/2019 16:26

Not sure @MotherForkinShirtBalls

Did the villa kitchen come complete with essentials like a melon baller, spiralizer and banana slicer? Because if the owner can't even provide the basics then they sound pretty shoddy and I would say they should only keep 70%.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 23/08/2019 16:30

My DfianceDOHCo-owner-of-Dcat-the-male-who-lives-in-the-house-with-me (MN shorthand saves so much time!) Grin Grin Grin

Brilliant line!!!!! Flowers to @LaMarschallin (and your next comment is very funny too!)

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 23/08/2019 16:32

@MotherForkinShirtBalls uh-oh... sounds like you didn't wash and remake the beds (whether you used them all or not) ditto every towel in the place.

Rookie error

MotherForkinShirtBalls · 23/08/2019 16:43

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe, um, I did the beds, even the four in the rooms where we didn't even open the doors, twice a day, as is usual, so that's on you to think such slatternly thoughts Hmm

Propertyofhood, I was heart hurt that there was no spiraliser or butter pat shaper but there was a pineapple cut-and-corer so I was going to allow one to cancel out the other even though our first night was ruined by julienned couegettti.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 23/08/2019 16:56

Dammit Mother, you've busted me.

WizardOfAus · 23/08/2019 17:10

Your MIL is a nightmare
Your husband is a narc
So get your ducks in a row and LTB
tinkly little laugh

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 23/08/2019 19:30

Slattern.

I can't believe you left it in such a vile state.

SnugglySnerd · 23/08/2019 19:53

MotherForkinShirtBalls I just hope the holiday let had 10 billion thread count Egyptian cotton sheets on all the beds. Apparently all Mumsnetters can tell the difference and couldn't possibly sleep on anything else.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 23/08/2019 19:54

@Whattodo20192

You asked for the Balonz thread about ninety messages ago and were hurtfully ignored.

However I have taken pity on you so here it is in all its glory:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/baby_names/2197937-Help-Difficult-choice-of-boys-names-Sean-Daniel-or-Balonz

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