Sentences you never thought you would say before having children

[Winterfellismyhome]

I love threads like this

"Please take your car out of the dinosaur"
"Please dont put your breadstick in my belly button"

But did you die?

Please don't lick any more lamp posts.
Why did you put banana in daddy's shoe?
Why are you torturing villagers?
Stop strangling chickens!

The last two are Minecraft related.

I love these threads and understandably they are mostly comments made to toddlers/preschoolers, but if you think it gets better as they get older think again!

My dd is 18 and I'm still having to say stupid shit!

"Because if you leave food out the fridge it goes off! Yes even if 'it's only been a couple of hours'"

"I am not made of money"

"It is after midnight turn the damn music off"

"No I'm not sniffing it to see if it's clean enough to wear despite living on your bedroom floor for a week"

"Well of course it's hot it's been in a hot oven!" She seems to think oven gloves are for wusses!

"No it's not cancer/the plague its just a zit/rash/whatever"

"No you are not permanently deformed just because squeezed the zit"

"No you do not look ugly just because your hair won't go EXACTLY how you want it to"

(Last 3 seem to occur in week before period)

Don't even get me started on conversations started when she's pissed which can span from the ridiculous to the very moving and revealing.

@Graphista

Hahaha yes...

You need to put the plug in to run the bath otherwise you are just running the tap

Why did you leave the empty packet in the fridge?

The washing fairies dont work during 2am and 7am so yes, it is STILL in the wash

Plug it in if you want it to work.

Please stop cuddling that dirty nappy 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm really sorry I can't stop your shadow chasing you 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you say willies one more time, I'll put your lizard in the bin!

Did you poo on the grass??

GET OFF YOUR BROTHER

I will give you the coat hanger back when you've eaten your dinner

Chickenyhead SO relieved it's not just me

And yes wtf is with putting empty bloody containers back in fridge/cupboards?!

Re

"Plug it in if you want it to work"

"You have to switch it on for it to work" also applies

The lack of patience too!

"Yes the toaster requires more than 3 seconds to work!"

"The bath isn't full yet because you only started running it 2 minutes ago!"

Who stuck the banana to the wall?

Who emptied the beanbag everywhere?

Who blocked the toilet?

No don't lick the cat
Please put your pants on before eating
No you can't go to daddy's in your birthday suit wear clothes

"Don't lick the dog"

Why is there glitter in the fridge?!

“Stop using the guinea pig as a weapon”.

Note: guinea pig was not harmed during this, but lolling on child’s forearm whilst being pointed at younger brother and shooting noises were made. But even so!

Please take your book out of my knickers, I am trying to wee.

CATCH THAT POO BEFORE IT ROLLS DOWN THE STAIRS

You are not allowed to throw, hurl, chuck or otherwise cause the forward impetus of any item in the direction of your brother.

You are not allowed to invoke infinity in any car-based arguments.

To the 18 year old - 'your opening another bottle of wine?!!'
To the 16 year old - 'don't panic the exam results will be fine'
To the 12 year old - 'it's 3am why is your Xbox still on?!!

Don't lick the cat
Stop cuddling your pants and put them on. Yes I know you love them.

Fred-please don’t pee on your princess dress-lift it up
Please stop licking my face
How did you get mustard on the ceiling?
Please don’t bite the potty
Please leave your willy alone
No you can’t feed the horse hamburgers
Please don’t chase that chicken
Please don’t ever wee on your book again-books are to be enjoyed not peed on
No I don’t like getting a wet willy (a wet finger in your ear)
No my willy didn’t fall off-girls don’t have them

All said within the last year

Eeeerrrrrrrgggggg STOP licking the snail

Who has put marshmallows in my shoes?
No you can't marry the cheese

We had a tense moment in Pizza Express, DD 2yo was eating bolognaise. Suddenly her hand emerged from under the table covered in something brown.... "That's not bolognaise!!!" I shrieked to DH who was sat next to her.... boak.

Of course you can't see, that's the whole point! Don't feel around, just pin the tail.

Was that a nugget of poo that just dropped out of your trouser leg??

Get those knickers off your sister's head!

It doesn't matter why, just do it.

See that big hole in the toilet seat? Aim for that.

Where are the plates/forks/cups...

I’ve just said to DH - when do you think i’ll finally stop shouting ‘don’t play with doors!’
This is after DD’s friend had her thumb amputated in one last year (she’s 8).