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Original poster

I am so worried that I can't think straight anymore.

244 replies

outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 19:35

DS 26 graduated 5 years ago, has worked 18months as a paralegal since, chucked it to go travelling. Rents a room in Manchester but spends most time with us. Just signs on. Has many strong opinions, says I'm autistic (but perhaps he is) has no relationships, few friends, drives. Is not all bad. But it's driving my dd (22) away and why won't he work. He does a bit of agency bar work but not much, and looks so scruffy I'm not surprised. I am worried sick that when i die my poor dd will have to take him on. He has overshadowed much of her life.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 04/08/2019 11:00

If he is capable a training for and completing a marathon in good time
There's no doubt that this is an impressive feat and I am not knocking marathon as or runners (I am a runner myself) however I can see why this kind of endeavour would appeal to those with narcissistic inclinations, it involves focusing very intently on yourself your athleticism your physical perfection.

But yes he can do that he is capable of being very focused and very dedicated .... When it suits him

Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 11:01

Yes if all else fails I will leave dh to cope with him because he has just said that he will tell him that we love him and it's nice to have him home now and then and that he must get on with his own life and he will say this gently so no rows. And that he thinks it's good for him to have us in the background. And I can't live like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 11:05

I have locked him out before once. He prowled for hours around the house. It was me locked in, not him locked out. And if he tries breaking in and gets a police record he will not mind much because he has not respect for the police but I will because he will find it even harder to get work. It's not that simple. I think I will have to go.

Many thanks to every one of you.

OP posts:
SecondRow · 04/08/2019 11:06

No, don't take him on again Confused

Can you envisage a life where he is neither enmeshed with you nor with your daughter?

Where his decisions, good or bad, are his own affair?

On another note, and I know your husband is also reading the thread: your DH seems barely present in this narrative, there's almost just a shadow or a silent figure fading into the background.

Are you two a team? Can you really agree on what to do next? It is extremely disturbing if you both genuinely feel you are only enduring life to protect your DD. If that is true you both need mental health support for yourselves, not your son. Get GP appointments for yourselves.

Pricedrop · 04/08/2019 11:06

Can't live like what? That sounds like what you want, isn't it??

Snog · 04/08/2019 11:07

I think the top priority here is for you to get professional counselling support for yourself.

This will help you to decide on a course of action that is right for you.

I personally wouldn't allow my adult child to disrespect me in my own home so I would ask him to leave if it happens. I would certainly also change the locks. If he refuses to leave the house I would only meet him in a public place or at his house until his behaviour changes.

Whosorrynow · 04/08/2019 11:09

Does anyone know of any situations like this that have worked out?
I can think of numerous examples of wayward children who have wrecked their parents lives, usually it's the wayward son.
Perhaps you have to adopt the attitude of 'it's either me or him and it's not going to fucking be me' because that's what he's thinking, I know that cuts right across all of your nurturing/ parenting instincts
but he is exploiting the situation and exploiting you, if he doesn't treat you like a mother why should you treat him like a son?
perhaps you are hoping that if you continue to treat him like a son he will reciprocate and treat you like a mother but that's not the way it works in his mind, he is an exploiter not a cooperator, this is some sort of narcissist - empath dynamic, maybe looking at it in those terms will help you to find a way through?

Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 11:10

He is dh's biological son.

OP posts:
Snog · 04/08/2019 11:12

If your DH is not on the Same page on this it would be a deal breaker for me and I would leave DH.

DS is violating you in your own home and DH is enabling him to do it. You need to look after yourself first as only then will you be able to help DS.

SecondRow · 04/08/2019 11:13

If he gets a police record that's his issue, he's an adult. Yes it may make his life harder or or it may help him to wake up. You can't influence this. But you can't continue to cower in your own home afraid of your own son.

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 11:13

I don't know how much backing I will get because dh hates rows, we all do.

Everybody does. But you are getting rows anyway, every time DS chooses to kick off or verbally abuse you. Insist on being backed up. The rows are only ongoing because you have not defined any boundaries on DS's behaviours, & there are zero consequences to his acting out & bullying.

PLEASE get some support for yourself after this family holiday. Pay privately if you need to. You were able to find £50 for family therapy sessions & all DS took from that was more opportunity to scorn & manipulate you. Stop spending money on him, & divert it to your, DH's & DD's MH & wellbeing instead.

Whosorrynow · 04/08/2019 11:15

He prowled hours around the house
What the fuck what the fucking fuck
Why are you letting him do this, you are letting him turn you into a frightened prey animal
If someone did this to me I would go ballistic my partner would go ballistic

Pricedrop · 04/08/2019 11:22

I think that you WANT to leave your DH actually and are using your son as an excuse to do so; which is really unfair on everyone. Otherwise you would just change the goddamn locks. Who would blow up the family rather than change the lock??

Madratlady · 04/08/2019 11:23

Kick him out. Make him stand on his own feet. Right now you’re enabling his behaviour so nothing will change. My younger brother was acting unacceptably living in my parents’ home and they had him removed by the police and said they wouldn’t have him back. He was given emergency temporary housing (supported living due to mh problems but he certainly didn’t have things done for him there) and it was the making of him. He has worked on and off due to his health but he has a flat, runs a car and has a partner and a dog. He is happy with his life and although my parents and I have helped him from time to time when he’s been in genuine need such as using food banks, he’s never taken the piss or expected it. And this is from being much younger than your ds.

Whosorrynow · 04/08/2019 11:23

I hope you don't leave the thread OP, we know how excruciating this is for you,how much you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, how painful it is to see your own children suffering, so much so that anything seems preferable to that.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 11:29

DH here, thank you for all your advice; the enabling thread has nailed exactly what is happening. Stuck in the middle of it all day to day as we are, it has been hard to see it clearly. Time to say 'get on with your own life'; but definitely no rows, as having an argument allows it to be up for discussion. I don't want him to feel not included in the family as we seem to be his only long term background. And specifying any future visits to be infrequent and 2 nights max (like for anyone who had a job) seems to be a good way of doing this whilst clearly saying we can't stand anything longer.

OP posts:
zen1 · 04/08/2019 11:30

The thing is OP, if you don’t address this now it will go on in perpetuity and that’s just not fair. Why should one person’s happiness and well-being be to the detriment of three others? You, your DH and DD deserve to live a life without fear of being in your own home. It will be hard initially, but much better in the long run for all of you if you take a tough stance now. The longer this goes on, the less likely it will be that your son will accept responsibility for his own life. Let’s face it, none of us asked to be born so it’s a silly argument for a 26 year old to make.

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 11:31

I really can't imagine us on one side of a locked door and ds on the other and him trying to get in.

But you CAN imagine, & are accepting, a nasty aggressive entitled cuckoo on your side of the door, possibly for the rest of your lives if you don't insist that he leaves. It is not his home, it is yours. He HAS a home. You need to do this OP or he will continue walking on you as he walks over your doormat - at will, with no consideration for you or your needs.

I know how overwhelming the thought of change, & the predicatable reaction to that change, is. Your DS sounds very like my ex-H. I put myself through months of sleepless, terrifed torture to finally get him out of our home & my life - it was horrible, life-changing & heart rending.
It was FAR better than the alternative though - a lifetime of pandering to a workshy, addicted coericve controller, who was only staying to leech money & reduce me to a husk.

YOu CAN do this OP. But you can't do it alone. There are agencies, support workers (& even the private option as post above) that will be happy to give you the resource, techniques & new ways of thinking you need to finally tackle this blight on your life & your home. Talk to your GP again, & accept the help & advice you will be offered.

Whosorrynow · 04/08/2019 11:33

Hello Out's DH, great to see that you are on board 👍
I wonder if you were able to read the article posted earlier in the thread?I thought it was really good and very insightful

Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 11:34

I am sorry, but where I live the only coucilling on other was either family counselling or couples counselling both at £50 a session. I know in other areas it's different, as it was for dd. So I will have to go privately. I tried this once it cost £200 for 2 hours. I know I need to find a better way because I just have not got that.

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 11:39

If dh won't back me I'll move out, and make somewhere for dd to have as a base.

Right. So instead of dealing with your son, you will throw even more money at setting up a second household?

That is simply bonkers, & so unfair on you & DH.

I would never minimise what you are suffering: I've been through far too much similar shit - but while is is NOT easy, it IS simple.
Next time your son kicks off, you simply state "that is enough. You are making me miserable, & it's time to for you go home".

It really is that SIMPLE. Not easy - simple.
We all know by now that he will scoff at you, attack you with verbiage & pop psychology & refuse to leave when you ask him to. A perfect opportunity to at last enact a boundary: you call the police to eject him.

He makes you miserable.
He has his own home.
You ask him to go & live in it.
When he refuses, the police force his compliance.

It is honestly the best way forward for everyone - including DS.

Pellegrinopolly · 04/08/2019 11:42

It is unfair on the op if her DH won't sort this out. The lad is his biological son after all. Why should she be left to do it?

Where is his biological mother?

Sorry op - it's often said on here - but you have a dh problem.

His son should come very high up in his priorities but (especially now he is 26 year old) that should not compromise the safety and mental well-being of you and your dd or destroy your marriage.

Give your DH an ultimatum and then it is in his hands. You can't change either of them but you can change how you respond to it all.

Having said that, I don't understand why your DH is wrong in saying "that we love him and it's nice to have him home now and then and that he must get on with his own life and he will say this gently so no rows. And that he thinks it's good for him to have us in the background. "

That is what you are aiming for surely? Yes he needs to be far more assertive about it but that is the ultimate goal.

And I know you keep insisting that it's your son who needs help and not you. But you really need to get outside support to deal with this. If the situation doesn't change substantially then you are going to need it even more in order to deal with the actions and choices you are going to have to make.

Good luck op.

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 11:43

Before you all go, does anyone know of any situation like this that has worked out? So many stories of when it has just got worse and worse.

Yes - my own.
It took an injuncton & a few months of hell, but it was worth it.
& certainly better than another 30 years of hell if I had just gone accepting my coercive controller's will by continuing as his resource.

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 11:43

& remember the old saying - sometimes "it has to get worse before it gets better".

Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 11:47

Mussolina, don't answer if you don't feel comfortable and sorry if I have missed it, but are you talking about your son or your partner?
A partner is much easier to deal with than a son I think.

(DH replied earlier on this thread.)

OP posts:
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