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Original poster

I am so worried that I can't think straight anymore.

244 replies

outofthemoon · 03/08/2019 19:35

DS 26 graduated 5 years ago, has worked 18months as a paralegal since, chucked it to go travelling. Rents a room in Manchester but spends most time with us. Just signs on. Has many strong opinions, says I'm autistic (but perhaps he is) has no relationships, few friends, drives. Is not all bad. But it's driving my dd (22) away and why won't he work. He does a bit of agency bar work but not much, and looks so scruffy I'm not surprised. I am worried sick that when i die my poor dd will have to take him on. He has overshadowed much of her life.

OP posts:
ShrodingersRat · 04/08/2019 08:03

Blaming not blanking

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 08:10

Sorry OP but you are rejecting lots of brilliant advice on here. It's like you're finding ways to avoid tackling this

I think OP simply wants tea and sympathy and doesn't want to engender change. And fair enough. Change is hard. I'm bowing out now. Good luck OP

PerspicaciaTick · 04/08/2019 08:31

You are worried about his physical health and eating. Don't be, if he is capable of training for and completing a marathon in a good time as you say, then both his physical health and nutrition are going to be at least adequate and probably better than average. Tick this off your list of worries for the time being.
Training and running a marathon in a good time also implies that he can commit to preparing for and carrying out a difficult task when he is motivated to. He needs to talk to someone about that, for careers guidance. He might need to start small (volunteering as a gardener for experience and CV) but it needs to come from him and not be your battle.

You need to have a proper conversation with your DD. A constructive conversation, where you and your DH tell her your plans. This is something you are doing to take the weight off her shoulders as well as your own. Not a conversation where you just share emotional baggage with her.

And you must prioritise your own wellbeing. See your GP, if he prescribed counseling or ADs to help you over this bump then accept his help. You sound at the end of your energy reserves and you need to accept all the support you can get until you have had a chance to rebuild...and your DH must play a positive role in that because he has the time which you don't (as the sole breadwinner).
Good luck and Flowers. It will be hard for a while, but you will be creating happier family dynamic for everyone.

Graphista · 04/08/2019 08:58

I would strongly recommend you. Dh and dd go to nar-anon.

You ALL need to find your backbones and quit enabling them.

I'm also the dd in a similar set up, except I have gone Nc with the brother (in my case sister)

My parents are STILL bailing her out - she is in her 40's and a single mother, but she has NEVER done it all on her own, having copious amounts of free childcare (for weeks at a time), financial bailouts, emotional bailouts...

My parents both agree they should have nipped it in the bud DECADES ago.

My mum is genuinely worried she will end up on the street after they die once she's burned through her inheritance (which frankly she's already HAD at least 3 times over!)

Dad, brother and I and quite honestly the rest of the family and anyone who knows the situation have no such concerns.

She'll either finally step up (she's far from stupid or incapable of doing so) or she'll find some other mug to bail her out! She will NEVER go without - hell she won't even go without her luxuries! Including her drug of choice (literally)

You are NOT doing your son ANY favours preventing him from maturing and from facing the consequences of his actions especially his drug use, which as its weed can and does include psychosis and schizophrenia among other things.

You are also letting your dd down which I think you are already aware of.

STOP listening to his pseudo-psychology BULLSHIT, DO NOT let him stay at yours AT LEAST until he gets a job and grows the fuck up!

He's 26! At that age my parents were married with 3 DC, I was married and ttc, my brother was married with 1 DC, he is MORE than old enough to be PROPERLY out on his own. Finding a job (he is very fortunate has NO real restrictions on what job or hours he can do), paying his way, NOT being supported by others.

You CAN stop enabling him you are CHOOSING not to.

"He can have a mental illness ( made worse by the weed) AND be playing you. It’s not a case of either/or." Absolutely

"Would he join the forces? I see someone else has also suggested this." They wouldn't take him - what makes you think they would?! He'd be a bloody liability! Giving a guy who resists all authority and conventions of living and who has poor mental health inc an incident of self harm and likely has the potential to have a psychotic break at any time a gun? Come off it!!!

There HAS to come a point where "enough is enough" and the sooner that happens the better, for everyone!

Tell dd she is not to give him a key or let him in, she needs to block him on the phone etc

The ONLY way you have a chance of this working is if you do it in a fully committed way, anything else is going to make matters worse.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 09:05

Thank you.

I am not rejecting any advice except change the locks. I really can't imagine us on one side of a locked door and ds on the other and him trying to get in.

I will talk to dd when I can at the moment she puts down the phone at his name. I will stop funding. Stop babying. Tell him he must stay away and get on with his choices. I will also stop listening to him because it goes on until I agree.

Wish I could see a gp but I have tried that. I have begged them. I have written everything down. 4 years ago, when I was frantic. They did nothing they said, he was an adult and they couldn't treat me for my adult son and they couldn't treat him, say if he had gone to them for another reason, they couldn't get round to the problems we had 'you are allowed to be mad you are not allowed to be bad,' they said. I have been to family counselling with ds and private on my own.

But I will make changes. The enabling changes, I promise I will. This time I will. dd has finished her exams, for years getting her through has been one of the reasons we held back.

OP posts:
JapaneseBirdPainting · 04/08/2019 09:13

Can I just say (throwing it out there) that as the mother of a child with autism it annoys me that people say almost as a default 'Oh it has to be autism' when actually it might just be the person in question is a bloody entitled shit.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 09:15

No he wouldn't join the forces. Apart from all Graphista's excellent reasons, he wouldn't cut his bloody hair.

I can't write a book. The memories this thread brings back, the past we have half blanked, have been as much and more than I can bear.

I will stop enabling. In every single way. If dh won't back me I'll move out, and make somewhere for dd to have as a base.

OP posts:
JapaneseBirdPainting · 04/08/2019 09:18

Sounds like your DH is fed up with it though so he should be a support.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 09:19

I hope he will but he tries to negotiate too much. Too many words and ds always wins at words. He says he will back me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 09:21

Before you all go, does anyone know of any situation like this that has worked out? So many stories of when it has just got worse and worse.

OP posts:
Moodyfoodie · 04/08/2019 09:23

I will talk to dd when I can at the moment she puts down the phone at his name.

It sounds as though they are both manipulating you and vying for your attention, in a similar way to my toddlers do now.

I think some therapy for yourself would be a starting point.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 09:38

Dd puts the phone down because she had therapy about the same thing and that's what they told her to do. Say that she could discuss it, she had nothing to add, and stop the conversation. Because it was driving her mad.

OP posts:
BitOftheSea · 04/08/2019 09:44

Are you getting any support for your own mental health at the minute? It sounds like you could really do with a counsellor.

SecondRow · 04/08/2019 09:55

does anyone know of any situation like this that has worked out?

OP, I think you need to think carefully and realistically about how you want to define "working out" here.

You putting up your boundaries doesn't mean he is going to change as such. It's about you coming to accept that how he lives his life is for him to decide. What you are setting out to change is how much you let that impact on you.

Even harder to accept is probably that how much your DD allows him to impact on her life is also for her, as an adult, to decide.

You can definitely let her know that you will support her in also putting up boundaries but if she undermines your decisions about YOUR home, that's not ok.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 09:59

Oh god secondflow I thought he would change. But you are right.

OP posts:
SecondRow · 04/08/2019 10:20

He might, some people do eventually cop on in their late twenties, or whenever - but the point is your motivation for the changes you are making has to be how you want your own life to be, going forward, not his or even your daughter's.

Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 10:24

I am doing it for my daughter, but if the choice is whose life gets wrecked, mine or dd's then of course there is no choice. Which makes all this worthless. If he won't change, and I abandon him, he will turn to dd.

I thought I had a way forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
outofthemoon · 04/08/2019 10:27

i will still try. If he doesn't change, and turns to dd for support then I will take him on again.

OP posts:
Pricedrop · 04/08/2019 10:38

That's insane OP...you won't change the locks; but you will leave your DH. Infact, leave your DH to DEAL with him, whilst you make a clean break with your DD??

Pricedrop · 04/08/2019 10:39

Your son is abusive. He is abusing you and your daughter

Read Lundy Bancroft; why does he do that

JamesBlonde1 · 04/08/2019 10:43

Your DD won't be taking him on and nor should she. She won't enable him.

If he causes damage to your property again (nailing up the door!) ring the Police. If he becomes more difficult, get a non-molestation order against him, and stick to it.

Your efforts so far have failed, so try another tack.

Pricedrop · 04/08/2019 10:47

Do these descriptions sound like him?

I am so worried that I can't think straight anymore.
I am so worried that I can't think straight anymore.
Ilovemypantry · 04/08/2019 10:58

Where is your DH in all this? Why is he not stepping up to support you? Why are you having to take sole responsibility for your DS...is he your DH’s biological son? Sorry, but I really can’t fathom why you are having to deal with this shit on your own.

ittooshallpass · 04/08/2019 10:59

The one piece of advise which will stop all of this is to change the locks. And that's the one thing you won't do.

It sounds to me that he comes and sponges off you when his money runs out in Manchester.

Once he realises that is no longer an option, he will have to pull his finger out and get a job in Manchester to support himself in Manchester!

Changing the locks and refusing to give him a key is the only way forward.

If your DD gives him a key, you change the locks again and refuse to give either of them a key.

Just do it OP! You have to be cruel to be kind.

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