How often has your significant other shouted at you?

[GymKitJen]

Like raised their voice in an argument?

Me and dp debated loudly the use of human rights last night.

I grew up debating politics over the dinner table where my darling grandad (he really was) would shout and go bright red at injustice in the world and our government.

When I say debate, some people might say shout 🤷‍♀️ if my dp shouted insults at me and got in my face aggressively the relationship would be over. But shouting is ok if you're a shouter with a shouter.

Some people are loud and others a quiet, theres no right or wrong in this.

Never, in 4 and a half years, have either of us ever had what I would call a proper argument, voices never been raised, certainly no shouting. We can get a bit annoyed with each other, but we just talk. The worst that's ever happened is we won't talk to each other for half an hour if we're annoyed then we'll have a cuppa and have a proper discussion. I don't think either of us have ever been angry with the other for longer than an hour, max. We figure things out pretty quickly. I couldn't be in a relationship where shouting, rows, big arguments, etc. are the norm. What's the point?

I think arguing is a sign that you are invested in a relationship, not ever disagreeing suggests you don't care and have checked out of the relationship.
Arguing and disagreeing are different.

DH and I disagree on things. We discuss them as adults and in a way that is respectful.

Arguing is not a respectful way of communicating in my opinion (but as a one off it can happen in healthy relationships). I wouldn't stand being in a relationship where anyone tried to tell me that shouting at each other and arguing is a sign they're invested in the relationship. That's a very toxic view of relationships to me. It's up there with 'I only get jealous because I love you and care'.

a few times, I class a raised voice as shouting though - what's the difference?

‘You’re talking bollocks!’ To a stranger on the internet is far less respectful than a heated argument with your spouse. I would never say that to DH.

You can argue without shouting. You can even disagree without arguing. You're talking bollocks.

So what are we doing now, arguing or discussing? And please tell me how you respectfully tell your OH they are talking bollocks in a respectful way?

I think people can get involved in a debate and shout, but that's very different to shouting 'at"someone.

I think when people shout or swear, it's normally a good sign they have lost control and probably the debate.

My hubby and I definitely do not agree on everything but we sit and discuss things, like adults in a respectful way, he thinks swearing shows a lack of intelligence, I think shouting shows a lack of self control, so we do neither as a general rule.

CountFosco

If you're going to tell people with normal, healthy relationships that one of them has 'checked out' because they're not getting into regular arguments, you can hardly be surprised at the response.

Personally I think a lack of arguments is a sign of compatibility rather than disinterest, but each to their own. I can't imagine how exhausting it would be to be in a relationship that requires frequent arguments to keep both parties interested. Far too much drama for me. Give me my companionable, respectful relationship any day. May be boring for you, but it works for us.

I’ve never really thought about this before but we never shout, not at eachother or the kids. We argue but don’t shout. I’ve never heard DH shout in anger in 20 years. That seems really odd now I’m thinking of it!

Me and my dp shout at each other sometimes. Not in your face shouting and frothing sort of arguing but both our voices are raised. We're both loud chatty people like a previous poster said, and we like getting everything out in the open instead of slow insidious resentment

Yes, we are the same.

I think this is one of those weird things you only read on mumsnet..that couples who've been together decades but have never once raised their voice at each other. This level of passiveness would drive me mad...

Never, he’s not a shouty person...but he speaks very loudly when on the phone! It reminds me of that guy on trigger happy tv. His friend is the same so it’s great when they ring each other

Never. We have respect for each other

How unbearably smug.

Never, which, now I've thought about it and as I'm from a loud family I now find weird.

Not once in 4 years. He's quite fiery and hot headed but never shouts at me.

How unbearably smug.

I don't believe shouting at someone is a respectful thing to do and neither does my DP, what's wrong with that?

I grew up with a mother who shouted a lot and to be honest she was abusive, so it's not a trait that I would be willing to tolerate in a partner. Not sure how that makes me smug.

We've been together 16 years. I can't recall an occasion where he has shouted at me.

This level of passiveness would drive me mad..

Not engaging in shouting matches does not make someone passive. People can express themselves without having a blazing row. And believe it or not, it is possible that some couples will rarely have arguments because they have similar temperaments/personalities/outlook on life. Doesn't mean that there are all sorts of simmering resentments bubbling away.

We've been together 7 years and he's never shouted at me or raised his voice. I think that if I shouted first he would definitely shout back but I'm not a shouty person at all. If he did shout at me I would tell him to leave.

I don't believe shouting at someone is a respectful thing to do and neither does my DP, what's wrong with that?

I grew up with a mother who shouted a lot and to be honest she was abusive, so it's not a trait that I would be willing to tolerate in a partner. Not sure how that makes me smug

Not all shouting is abusive.

If my oh got home and I shouted something unpleasant at him for no reason or vice versa that would be abusive.

If a couple is rowing about an issue and they shout or raise voices at each other, it doesn't mean they don't respect each other...just that in that particular moment, they are frustrated or angry. Depends what you shout as well and other factors such as physicality...if someone gets right in your face shouting, that would be seen as threatening or abusive and could scare someone. One person standing at a distance or walking off shouting is not so.

Not engaging in shouting matches does not make someone passive

But couples who've been together decades and not even raised their voice at each other is really unusual surely? I'm not talking screaming abuse at each other, but not even a raised voice once?

Never, been together 16 yrs. Hope all is ok op.

If a couple is rowing about an issue and they shout or raise voices at each other, it doesn't mean they don't respect each other...just that in that particular moment, they are frustrated or angry.

I don't think my DP has ever done anything to anger me, and vice versa. There are minor irritations from time to time obviously (mostly to do with housework) but when these things come up we just say it and move on. It's never worth having a row about. We're both quite laid back people though.

Never. It’s one of the things I like best about him, he’s a remarkably calm and gentle person. I have ptsd and would really struggle with being shouted at.

I can’t think of many times we’ve had a verbal disagreement either, usually one of us will just to “look it gets on my tits when you don’t replace the bin bag/leave your bra in the living room/leave plates around, can you stop” and the other goes “yeah, fair enough”

On this thread, most posters saying that their Dh has never raised their voice.

I'm sure that's not normal. Even on MN. Not in RL! I'm sure it normal to occasionally argue. Raised voices occasionally.

I don't consider an occasional argument, abusive, AT ALL.

Once. He shouted because he’d lost his patience with something, I forget what, and id asked him a question. He then stomped off out. I picked up all the obvious stuff you would take and took my dog and drove off. Came back after an hour. He never did it again.