How often has your significant other shouted at you?

[GymKitJen]

Like raised their voice in an argument?

Maybe it's because we are talking about shouting at Dh?

Which is different maybe to shouting at your children?

This thread is very different to most of the parenting threads I frequent.

I get exasperated with my ds's. I calmly ask for things, I repeat, a few times. Then I shout.

In frustration. And I explain that I can't cope with the lack of respect, lack of love, lack of acknowledgement for my efforts.

My mum never shouted at me. She never needed to. I was a happy, placid, compliant little thing. Even now I have never ever raised my voice to my mum. I would never dare. I love her too much and we have a very close relationship.

She has been horrified at the way that Ds1 has spoken to me over the years.

Or maybe thus thread, because of the title attracts non shouters, who are very placid, never shout at anyone?

Because many parents shout at their kids occasionally.

Both my boys play football. Most of the football mums (15 on each team, so 30 mums total) say their boys are lovely, but drive them nuts.

This thread can't be representative of shouting, in the UK. Generally.

seriously? How is that even possible unless one of you is so passive to the point of door mat

For the person who just asked about arguments:

I am a regular. Dh and I have an argument at least 2 or 3 times a year.

It simmers. Frustrations. Anger and resentment. And then I snap and tell him 3 or 4 things that are really getting on my nerves. Twice, in 20 years, I swore, badly, and told him I'd had enough.

I go upstairs to bed. We calm down. The atmosphere is tense the next day. Then we try and talk about it and try and put in place some practical things to address the issues, stress.

I assumed that this was not that awful? Semi-standard?

I wouldn’t shout at my boss, or my students, even though both piss me off quite a lot.

There is a hierarchy in most work situations that means the lower ranking person generally gives way and does what the higher ranking person wants. The shouldn't be a higher ranking person in a marriage so who gives way when you disagree?

Never, he's not a shouty person. He hasn't sworn at me either. I've done both to him. However, he's said more hurtful things in anger than I have. Shouting at someone and calling them a wanker or something like that isn't great, but there are many worse, more personal things people say to each other in a sarcastic tone or a measured voice.

I wouldn’t shout at my boss, or my students, even though both piss me off quite a lot

You might if you lived with them.

Anyway, that means nothing...you also wouldn't sleep with them, undress in front of them, share finances with them, raise children with them etc etc

seriously? How is that even possible unless one of you is so passive to the point of door mat

Because we get along really well and we're generally quite relaxed people. We have little irritations but we sort them out. There genuinely isn't some overarching issue that has us simmering away silently at each other. Might not be everyone's experience but I'm not sure why we're being called wet lettuces and passive doormats. If that's the way some of you speak to your nearest and dearest it's no wonder you're always arguing!

Dh isn't a wet lettuce he's very strong natured. Just measured and mature with it

I'm with formerbabe and oblomov
DP is not a shouter at all but I am-grew up with huge family, political debates, everyone tying to get their point across sort of thing.
Dp can be really conflict avoidant BUT he simmers and sulks rather than communicating. Now and then something will be eating away at out relationship and I will push it, and insist on talking about it. Sometimes my pushing goads him to shout at bit ( NOT screaming, never insults and swearing but raised voices in frustration type of thing). THEN what he really wants to say comes out.
Then I go "well why the fuck didn't you just say that in the first place! " and the air is cleared and it's all good.
We are never disrespectful and I would never be with someone who scared me BUT sometimes you need a bit of a shout.

Shouting at someone and calling them a wanker or something like that isn't great, but there are many worse, more personal things people say to each other in a sarcastic tone or a measured voice.

Yes! ^^

Never. We’ve disagreed on occasion but never at volume. We’ve both had previous marriages where shouting, name calling, smashing things and in his case hitting (her to him) were frequent features and yelling is a red line which we both agree on. There’s no need to raise your voice to make your point and I think at the point when you’re not in control of your feelings and start shouting you’ve lost anyway.

A lack of shouting and verbal abuse isn’t a sign of a lack of passion in a relationship or smugness. It is a sign of respect to be able to disagree without bellowing at the other person.

Twice maybe three times? But I probably definitely pushed him to it. And I wouldn’t say shout just a heightened voice. Once he scared me, which made me feel terrible because he is a very good man and I pushed him to his limits. I’m a little shit basically. OP why do you ask? Is everything ok?

They are either horrible abusive arseholes or real wet lettuce types who wouldn't say boo to a goose

I think it's good there are so many people who can say 'we don't always agree, we annoy each other and we disagree, but we discuss it and resolve it and remain respectful'.

I understand someone saying 'we raise our voices when we disagree and that's more how we tend to communicate', but what bothers me more is that so many people think it's unusual, weird, passive and even smug to not shout and argue with your partner.

Too many times to count (been together 8 years) I can be a bloody nightmare though and I think that’s just his way of expressing himself. Last time he did he was in front of DS though so I left for a few days and took DS with me. I said if he spoke to me like that again in front of him I wouldn’t come back. He can speak to me like that but I’m not having my son thinking that’s how he should speak to people.
He’s been a lot better since and that was about 6 months ago.

I just find it incredible that so many posters here cannot comprehend that everyone's relationship is different. Some people might have the kind of personality where they get wound up by things and need to let off steam by shouting/arguing, and they have a partner who gets that. Great. Some don't get so easily riled and have a genuinely harmonious relationship with their partner. Great. Both of these types of relationships can work, if they suit the personalities of the people involved.

There's no need to insult people who don't mirror your relationship experience.

I'm amazed by all these people that say never, do you not shout at your kids either? I'm more shouty than him, he's more a silent sully type unless I push him on a subject or for ignoring me, then he shouts. I don't really see it as a bad thing, but we're a fairly loud household

Neither of us are especially shouty people. We're very similar personality wise, but there are always going to be things that irritate...such as DH's inability to shut a cupboard door, and my inability to bring my coffee cup downstairs in the morning.

We don't argue, occasionally one of us might be a bit snappy, but it's pretty much over as soon as it started.

I'm being smug about having a happy marriage. We work at being a strong partnership because that's what a marriage is - a partnership and an equal one at that.

GAH!! I'm not being smug...

4years, I’m a teacher, so no, I didn’t shout at my children any more than I shouted at children in my class.

With XH for over 10 years, and I think after about 2 or 3 years he yelled at me daily, for hours on end. Often nose to nose and ending with being shoved or spat on. At the beginning I shouted back, but soon realised it was pointless as he never listened anyway and was always “right”.

We’re 3 years post divorce now and he still shouts at me over arrangements for the kids Still abusive and still nasty.

I’d love to experience a relationship where there’s no raised voices

My partner and I never shout at each other. My first main relationship was with an angry shouty man. I left after 10 years as I lost the ability to cope and wanted more happiness and ease in my life. I had developed the capacity to shout back, but I didn't like it.

Raised voice in a frustrated way which he will apologise for afterwards. Sometimes it's not what he says but the tone in which he says it, that I pull him up on. But he would never throw personal insults around even if he's over reacted.

We have both shouted occasionally at the kids when they haven't responded to doing something that we've asked them to do repeatedly in a nice voice.

Never, in 16 years together. I can't imagine him shouting at me! Of course we get annoyed with each other, but we show this in other ways.

I have shouted at DS a few times, which I am not proud of. I always apologise afterwards.

Never.