Senior “career” women - what did you do/how did you do it?

[2yearoldbattler]

Looking for experiences of both mothers who are in the thick of it and those whose babies are long grown up.

Am a very senior exec, currently on mat leave from a COO role in a very high growth, high profile business with my second baby. Have fun a number of mediums big (£500m+) businesses in the past as either CEO or divisional MD. Will be back to work in a couple of weeks. Also sit on 2 boards, one a charity non profit, the other a FTSE 100 coy.

My husband is also a career person (professional services) and we are having some discussions at the moment about how we make our lives work. Tbh the period in between me returning from mat leave with no 1 and leaving on mat leave with number 2 was not a success - we felt so stretched and it was primarily our relationship with each other that suffered.

So, what did you do and how did you do it? Both stayed full time and ground through it? One dropped to part time? How much help did you have? Would love to hear what worked and didn’t.

Have NCed so only have one post under this name, but am a longtime MNer - defo not a journalist. I just don’t have that many friends who are operating like I do (that sounds arrogant and wanky, but you know what I mean) to be able to have a wide pool of experiences.

I am not a big ‘career’ person but I do work FT as a senior manager, and DH is a Director. We don’t earn enough for a nanny but if we did that’s what we’d do - excellent wrap around care and to ensure that things like children’s illnesses etc don’t interrupt work would be a godsend . We have a cleaner twice a week, and I’d love a gardener too, all those would take so much
pressure off us and allow us to focus on career a bit more but not at the expense of the DC.

I'm not particularly senior but I think excellent childcare is the absolute minimum. Even at my middle management level, having to leave for a 6pm nursery pick up is an issue fairly often, in that I leave my colleagues picking up the slack.

If possible I think doing full time hours over 4 days gets the best balance - you'll be doing 10 hour days anyway, so having Friday off is a huge bonus. Or maybe a 9 day fortnight, so every other Friday off.

I'll try to PM you OP.

I too found the period between mat leaves to be a disaster and it really helped focus our minds on what we needed to be a happy family.

The short answer is, we now buy time as much as possible and I realised I actually can't 'have it all'. I can juggle it all, but at all times there are huge things I could be doing better if I could give it my old focus. It's hard.

-Excellent childcare and cleaning services, at least several hours more than the minimum needed

• Outsourcing everything: your nanny should be a proxy parent (dry cleaning, online food shop, etc)
• Use batch cooking, take away and Cook.
• minimum leisure time. Evenings spent doing domestic admin etc when you’re not working

——————

Or one of you has to step down and take an easier job. Doesn’t have to be the woman, doesn’t have to be permanent. No one, man or woman, can have it ‘all’.

In a full time EMEA senior exec sales role so I have the travel on top. Dh is a director. We make it work as we both have fully flexible roles and not desk bound. When one parent is away or in London working (away days) the other person at home/local does the school runs, meals and domestic (home days). In the middle of the week we swap home/away roles. The home days are hard because we have to fit in full time work as well as the domestic family life by oneself.

We make use of full time wrap around care till 5.30pm (not an option to stay till 6pm unfortunately which makes us laugh as senior exec jobs don't finish early enough for a 5.30pm pickup!!) Which means we end up having to put an extra hour or two in at 9pm or later after kids gone to bed. If we could have a day boarding option where our kids stay till 7pm and ate their meals in school that would be ideal but state schools just aren't set up for working parents.

We subscribe to Hello Fresh which has changed our lives and we have a full time gardener as our garden is 1/4 of an acre. No cleaner though. Its all 1st world problems and I'm grateful we earn good money.

Now my kids are heading in their teens and as I move into late 40s.i wonder if we both need to work so hard. And I am sure my body won't be able to cope with such a fast pace of life with all the travel! This is a good post op.

I wonder how top female execs cope...there are so few of us.

You need to use a lot of your income to pay for excellent staff and delegate as much as you can. And don’t expect to have time for anything except work, kids and marriage.

It’s the same as running a business.

I have the sort of role you describe, DH works FT in a busy but much more flexible role with no travel. It's really tough.

The most critical thing in the younger years was excellent childcare. We had a FT nanny but a housekeeper alongside that who could pick up some of the slack in an emergency.

The housekeeper did the cleaning, food, laundry etc. Collected dry cleaning, shopped for the never ending stream of birthday presents that are required when you have pre-prep DC and other bits and pieces.

For a period of time we employed a driver for the journey to/from work. It allowed me to work effectively for an extra 1.5 hrs a day.

I don't believe PT in the sort of roles you describe is unrealistic: companies are just not interested I someone who is only going to give 4/5 and even if you do persuade them you'll end up doing more than FT hours for less reward.

Oh and you need a really good family diary. We haven't found one I use cozi and a wall planner.

DH and I communicate all plans by text. It doesn't stop errors being made and things getting missed but it does mean that we avoid the inevitable "you didn't tell me" argument...

Full time nanny who is ‘on it’ in terms of school admin, homework etc. 20 hours of housekeeping a week so at weekends we are not doing laundry. I do my admin at work and have flexibility so I don’t miss school plays etc. Full time is not an issue, lack of flex is. Some friends have a nanny and au pair to cover evenings, DH starts early
But is home At 6 so not necessary for us. It’s all a trade off and you have to decide what you are comfortable with. I know I work about 30% less than I did per dcs but I want a relationship with them and with dh so it is what it is! I’m a partner in a professional services firm with a lot of responsibility.

Sorry that should have said PT is unrealistic!

Also don’t forget about you! I go to the gym at lunch 2-3 times a week and have a weekend away 3 times a year with dh or friend to recharge

I'm fetching my popcorn!

Just coming back to apologise for all the typos in my original post - I can assure you my attention to detail in the workplace is better when I don’t have a breastfeeding baby hanging off one boob

Reading all with interest, keep the responses coming!

I would have thought that you throw money at it re. Childcare and household management, cleaning etc. No one can say from your posts how you should manage spending time with your family.

I agree with everyone else that excellent childcare and domestic support is key. In my case, dh became a sahd so it's different but I couldn't have done my job without that home support.

On that basis, think about the contract. I know a lot of women who gain some of the flexibility I had by getting a nanny with contracted hours beyond the standard. Eg late working once or twice a week where they and their dh can work late, go for work drinks/events or just go out together / with friends. Nanny needs to be able to run things completely including play dates, clothes shopping, food preparation etc. Access to bank accounts/online shopping and so on.

Yy to a cleaner and, if necessary, gardener.

Someone on here once mentioned she has a monthly slot with a handyman. Her and her dh just create a list of random jobs as they come up and he works through them. I would definitely do that if dh and I went back to full time working.

Honestly, I'm sort of in awe of some of you, but then it also sounds like such hard work. I feel like I am utterly exhausted and struggle to manage my crappy minimum wage 9-5 with DD1, DH is a FT PG student on a healthcare course. I dunno how you have the energy. I def need a better paying job but I don't think I could be arsed, frankly, to do all the juggling that you high powered families must need to do!

I agree about the times between mat leaves being key, I went back after DS1 and lasted 8 months before realising something had to change. We have had a full time nanny for the last 6 years (some that lived in), a cleaner coming 2 hours daily, and DH has practically no commute. Either the nanny or my mum also used to travel with me and DS2 when I was nursing him. I think the trickiest ages are actually 7 to 12 or so as when they're babies the nanny can do everything when you're at work but at that age they really want their parents to be there for school events and stuff. Most people I know do day or weekly boarding starting from the later primary school years, often the kids are begging to board and sleep over with their friends - they find it preferable as there isn't much quality time in the week if school finishes at 5.15, parents are commuting, etc. and the alternative to weekly boarding is going home with an au pair or nanny until parents get home. And it's much easier for the parents to generally work 12 hour days but to block an afternoon off for sports day or whatever than it is to finish at 4.30 every day to do a school pickup, even if you log back on after kids are in bed it's not the same.

Full time amazing nanny and a cleaner!!!

I’m not earning big money, about £80k and DH a fair bit more but nanny housekeeper is our saviour. I only took 6 weeks mat leave every time.

Cleaner and gardener sometimes too.

Throw money at it
Lower expectations of something- nothing can be perfect all the time
DH has to be equal in Parenting
Work wise- I never accept meetings later than 4pm start, unless I WANT to- that time is now mine and is marked unavailable in diary- was uncomfortable to begin with but shifted expectations and gives me flex so I can leave at 5 most days *and be on email from bedtime...
The bit that breaks me is when the kids will just not go to bed. I have no answer for that, mostly just coffee next day. A week of ropey bed times and or child illness and shit loads on always has me heading for the quit letter...

Gonna need more popcorn! How does it all work?

Cleaner, gardener, driver, yes; maybe weekly boarding...

I imagine an amazing nanny- but don't you worry your kids like her more than you? That would bother me. Or it might relieve me that someone is giving the kids the stuff I don't have time to!? Not ever going to find out, I guess!

I don't 'know' your world, but I do appreciate insights into how you make it work!

Also it gets much easier.

When I had two under two and was earning significantly less, battling the tube and wondering how on earth I could juggle it all, it getting easier seemed unimaginable.

DC4 is going into prep and the eldest are fairly independent and willing to help out. They're all old enough to chat and DC1 texts non stop so the rushing home for bed time or not getting home at all because of travels is less of an issue.

The only thing I haven't managed to do is find time for regular exercise. I don't really enjoy it so it's hard to prioritise when my weeks have no routine. That's the one thing I'd like to change.

@Miljah

I can hand on heart say I've never worried that the DC loved the nanny more. I think there's some truth in your second statement: I was so appreciative that the DC were well cared for when I wasn't there that was genuinely all I cared about.

We aren’t that senior so in London with two kids haven’t got the money to throw at it people recommend. I’m an sm in professional services, director track but it will be hard work to get there - I’m a few weeks into both of us being ft after my second mat leave. We have an international move going on as well and it all feels like a lot tbh - we rely on holidays to recharge!
I’m on a fb group for mums with careers, London focussed - pm me if you’d like details.