Senior “career” women - what did you do/how did you do it?

[2yearoldbattler]

Looking for experiences of both mothers who are in the thick of it and those whose babies are long grown up.

Am a very senior exec, currently on mat leave from a COO role in a very high growth, high profile business with my second baby. Have fun a number of mediums big (£500m+) businesses in the past as either CEO or divisional MD. Will be back to work in a couple of weeks. Also sit on 2 boards, one a charity non profit, the other a FTSE 100 coy.

My husband is also a career person (professional services) and we are having some discussions at the moment about how we make our lives work. Tbh the period in between me returning from mat leave with no 1 and leaving on mat leave with number 2 was not a success - we felt so stretched and it was primarily our relationship with each other that suffered.

So, what did you do and how did you do it? Both stayed full time and ground through it? One dropped to part time? How much help did you have? Would love to hear what worked and didn’t.

Have NCed so only have one post under this name, but am a longtime MNer - defo not a journalist. I just don’t have that many friends who are operating like I do (that sounds arrogant and wanky, but you know what I mean) to be able to have a wide pool of experiences.

I was a single parent in a super senior civil service job involving lots of nights away. I had a cleaner, ironing service, gardener, handyman and wrap around childcare that fed DS all his meals plus my mum who filled any gaps (and still does). I jacked it all in two years ago to retrain as a teacher and although we are much, much poorer, DS (9) is much happier. I had an hour+ commute so got the emails cleared and life admin done on the train. Plus DS goes to his dad 2 nights a week so I had a little breathing room to stay late at work or get stuff done. It’s really hard and I am hugely ambitious so anticipate my career taking over again once he is out of primary. Thinking about au pairs for that time. Still have cleaner / ironing done but downsized to much more manageable house and garden so less stress.

Not as high powered by any stretch academic and professional consultant but we have found buying in services an absolute must. We have also in more recent years struck a balance by both stepping back. I have a huge holiday allowance - more or less term time only, and DH ramps up during holiday time while I ramp down. He started working for himself to facilitate this.

I think what you are suggesting is definitely eminently possible but ultimately we all only have 24 hours in a day to use as we choose so make sure both you and your DH want to now. We got stuck for a while in doing what we wanted to be at 20 odd before realising that both our priorities had changed hence the step back in both careers.

To the poster who said: just get a nanny. It’s a simple as that. It’s really not! We have a wonderful nanny who does 11hrs a day for us during the week. It doesn’t begin to solve all the issues, although it does remove lots of them.

Yeah but it's not easy for people without a nanny in less senior roles also. We also have life admin . Life working with dc isn't easy but to people who can't afford a nanny that would make a massive difference. You are sounding a teeny bit spoiled tbh....

From your update, it sounds like your problem is way more than one solvable with a virtual PA, and to be utterly frank, you can either have a life where your dh gets to behave like he has a non working wife (but with the extra money) and you organise everything and never see him; you split and then at least you get to control your life and he gets every other weekend off; or you have a very serious discussion and he puts his big boy pants on and realises that these two little lives he has created deserve him far more than the opera and golf course.

Delegate anything that doesn't need to hem done by you. House cleaning, grocery shopping and meal planning And cooking. Laundry. I would say you need a nanny (live in if your space allows) as well as a housekeeper. My husband is a partner in a law firm and works long hours plus travel. I work a typical 8-5 but we have three kids. If it weren't for our nanny (who also does all our laundry, grocery shopping and cooking) and our cleaner, it would be the end of us. Outsource as much as possible - and congratulations for achieving that you have!

CMOTDibbler - yes - that’s harsh but not unfair. With the nuance that it’s not really about the extra money, I don’t think my DH would want me at home full stop (and nor would I want to be) - I just don’t think he has adjusted to the demands of family life, and ofc he doesn’t have a good role model in terms of his upbringing, which really was all nannies.

That said, there IS a lot of just logistical crap too!

Sorry, I didn't mean it was about the money, but there is a group of men who really like the having a wife with a great job - but not realising/acknowledging that this means they need to do rather more than childfree men or those with someone who has the kids in pjs for them to come home to.
Role models are no excuse tbh. In DHs family no woman had more than A levels, no women worked with small children, and then women had a part time job later. His colleagues largely have SAHM or local flexible job wives. Yet he has made our crazy life work with me and ds

No one is saying there isn't a huge amount of stuff that has to be done. But if you are the one sorting the nanny/cleaner/PA/gardener as well as buying all the birthday presents for the childrens friends, planning christmas and everything else while your DH is doing after work drinks, out doing a time trial every weekend or whatever else he wants to do instead of being a father and husband as his priority, then that stuff is a huge issue

Agreed CMOT. Not trying to excuse him!

He’s actually pretty good at the life admin stuff (not kids stuff, but he did deal with schools applications, and he does the bulk of the house admin which is copious due to aforementioned renovation). It’s more the active parenting stuff that I think grinds him down so he tries to avoid it.

Active parenting grinds everyone down. Why does he get a pass?

He doesn’t! Thus (some of) the arguments we had last time round. I am sympathetic to (both of our) his need for a bit of downtime tho, thus my question as to whether this was practically possible. It seems not!

Am not a massively senior professional but DH and I are both senior-ish in house counsel. So a full on role with serious responsibilities thar are v hard to delegate.

Childcare. Number one priority. My nanny gets a better present than either my husband or children. Pay for experience and find someone who is flexible (although respect their life and boundaries) and committed and loves what they do. I do not regret a single penny of that money not a single hug that they lavish on our nanny. A really good one will also have really good nanny friends who can support them when they are a bit under the weather and do back child care or weekend babysitting when you need it!

Cleaner

Book hols at least 6 months in advance. Preferably split responsibility for hols, one for you, one for husband

Complete delegation of a task to your DH. It doesn’t really matter what it is. But if he’s doing it, he’s doing it. So my DH is responsible for kids dentist, UK passports, football club, laundry, pocket money, FX for hols. House DIY tasks are allocated on a turn about basis. If you are I charge of a task, you do it end to end. I don’t care if you fuck it

His family are his responsibility. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Do an annual budget review and plan. Set everything up for SO and DD.

Squeeze in one exercise class to a lunchtime. I know it’s hard but all the fucking carefree men with SA wives do it, so you should too.

DH does at least one bedtime per week, fixed night only changeable if you agree. No guilt, no fucking about, no sulks. If you can negotiate 2 then all the better.

Well all these tips are useless unless he steps up and shares the load. I think you need to have a chat and explain the hobbies at the weekend are going to have to suffer and he’ll need to step up with the kids stuff.

I manage part time. Have Monday off (on the basis that no one ever has a crisis on a Monday 🙄). It works pretty well although tuesdays are full on. But that day saves my sanity overall. So it can work.

Blimey! I am in awe of the lot of you! And it makes me glad that I didn't do anything to progress my career when DS was young. I'm not sure that either DH or I would have been resilient enough back then to cope with the things you describe. We just did our jobs, earned our wages and did the best we could as parents.

I waited until DS had started high school before I went for it. Applying for development programmes and taking professional qualifications. It worked well for us/me. I'm now a senior manager in the CS and am doing my best to empower my more junior colleagues to aim high. And I hope they don't have to wait as long as I did and that the barriers I faced no longer exist. Well they won't if I've got anything to do with it!!

I echo much of what has been said:

1. Nanny. We always warned ours as soon as we could if whichever of us due to be home was going to be late. If we could get home earlier then we always sent her home early for the goodwill. We tried to get her holiday dates as far as possible in advance so we could either coincide our own holidays or plan (grandparent) cover. We also gave plenty of notice if there were certain dates which were simply impossible for her to take holiday. She did all children’s laundry and ironing.

1. Cleaner who irons.

1. Family diary/planner. If it’s not in there it’s not happening and first entry has priority. No agreeing to business trips/dinners without checking diary - this became a new rule when we separately agreed on the same day to business trips for the same dates.

1. Delegation. Nanny did all school information meetings which occurred in school hours and took notes/picked up handouts.

1. Efficient use of time. Life admin whilst commuting. Running continuous to do lists/setting reminders. Copious use of Amazon.

1. Agreement/sharing of home responsibilities eg agreeing in advance who cooks which night etc./who will do which tasks (renew insurance/pay bills although save time and effort by putting everything on direct debit)

1. Booking time off. Agreeing holiday dates and booking holidays or they never happen.

1. Making use of lunchtime. Generally don’t take lunch but if I need an eye test etc will do it at a lunchtime.

1. Working from home. Save all the wasted commuting time by starting earlier so then have time to fit in a hospital appointment or school play.

10. Dropping your standards and throwing money at things!

He is completely fine with seeing the kids for 30-60mins a day (repressed British upbringing...). Sigh. Here we go again.
On weekends?! I just can’t imagine that in my marriage. He adores our children, I couldn’t love him if he didn’t.

like everyone else here, we threw money at it. The key is an excellent nanny/housekeeper who runs your home and children while you work. She or he needs a bank card and the use of a car to be able to run the children about, buy groceries, take them to activities etc. She or he could be contracted to do laundry and basic cleaning too, if the children have naps or attend preschool.

My other tip is, book a holiday the minute you return from a holiday. Take four holidays with your kids a year, do your 'family time' in chunks.

It’s definitely about being able to out sources but both you and your husband doing an equal share.

One of the reasons my ex is my ex is that he didn’t do his share (like going away for 4 weeks and just expecting me to do everything and manage school holidays).

If your husband says that he wants you to succeed at your career then he has to show that he means it, not just tell everyone!

I actually find it easier now I have shared custody of my daughter, although I still make more career compromises. For example work in a senior communications role in the not-for-profit sector for less money, but I get flexibility to attend to school stuff and other appointments most of which still fall to me.

You also just have to let stuff go sometimes.

If you both want to peruse your careers you need excellent child care - live in nanny

I was actually at one of those ‘women in x’ events last week and the advice from the super successful super senior woman was 1. You need a supportive husband who actually does his fair share and 2. Excellent live in childcare.

You need excellent live in childcare is another well that’s nice. I don’t earn enough to have a house big enough for an extra person in London.

One thing that hasn't been mentioned is what you're doing at work. Women at all levels often taken on the 'women's work' (for lack of a better description), eg organising team events, putting their hand up to help colleagues, taking minutes (that then need typing up), squeezing in an extra project or client to help out, caring for unwell or unhappy colleagues.. it might not be so relevant at your level, but perhaps to others on this thread.

Many women struggle to say no or assertively delegate to others and end up carrying a very disproportionate amount of the time consuming but unseen / under valued contributions to a work place.

By being a little more selfish or protective of our time and energy on these things, we could have more time direct elsewhere. Eg life admin or exercise at lunchtime or less work to do in the evening.

I know from experience that it's difficult to change, but it's worth thinking about. It doesn't help with childcare or workplace flexibility, but it can relieve some of the mental load.

Food for thought...

Good point. Also, women are expecting to spend a disproportionate amount of time (compared to senior men) at diversity events, work-life balance seminars and mentoring junior women.

Not that any of these things are bad, just that there is a further additional load once you are considered a "role model".

I’m not earning big money, about £80k and DH a fair bit more but nanny housekeeper is our saviour. I only took 6 weeks mat leave every time.

Only on Mumnset could something think this isn't big money!

Anyway..misses point of thread...

If you're a high earner, just pay in for support obviously?! Nanny, cleaner, personal trainer. Talk about 1st world problems.