Senior “career” women - what did you do/how did you do it?

[2yearoldbattler]

Looking for experiences of both mothers who are in the thick of it and those whose babies are long grown up.

Am a very senior exec, currently on mat leave from a COO role in a very high growth, high profile business with my second baby. Have fun a number of mediums big (£500m+) businesses in the past as either CEO or divisional MD. Will be back to work in a couple of weeks. Also sit on 2 boards, one a charity non profit, the other a FTSE 100 coy.

My husband is also a career person (professional services) and we are having some discussions at the moment about how we make our lives work. Tbh the period in between me returning from mat leave with no 1 and leaving on mat leave with number 2 was not a success - we felt so stretched and it was primarily our relationship with each other that suffered.

So, what did you do and how did you do it? Both stayed full time and ground through it? One dropped to part time? How much help did you have? Would love to hear what worked and didn’t.

Have NCed so only have one post under this name, but am a longtime MNer - defo not a journalist. I just don’t have that many friends who are operating like I do (that sounds arrogant and wanky, but you know what I mean) to be able to have a wide pool of experiences.

I have no idea. Every day holds new terrors.

I’m currently on holiday with my 20year old daughter and asked her about this thread - would she have been happier if I had not gone to work? Her view is that her primary school years might have been as she wanted to be picked up from school by me. More accurately, she wanted to be part of the group of children whose mothers socialised together. I’m not sure I would have given her this even if I had done the school pick up as I am different to those mothers - which is why I chose to work and they chose not to. As this thread as already demonstrated mothers do seem to divide into two camps.

She then said she was sure there was no lasting impact and she thinks she is closer to her sisters than she would have been if they had had a SAHM rather than a nanny.

She was very clear that expensive holidays etc do not compensate for a missing mother at primary school (not that she experienced them at that age anyway).

She finally said (without my having mentioned the topic) that she always found it funny the number of people who criticise boarding school when they have no experience of it.

I think all of that us pretty much what I would have expected her to say. It’s more than 10 years ago but her comments about primary school still hurt - I know it’s not how she would have wanted it to be but i’m not sure I could have given her what she wanted - but i’m honest enough with myself to admit it hurts. However, she is a remarkably well adjusted and successful 20 year old who is still happy to fit a few days holiday with her parents into her summer schedule. So I cannot view this as a parenting failure.

But it does confirm my view that the primary school years are the toughest to get right.

@Shopkinsdoll I've often found that happy people who are satisfied with their lives and with their choices rarely go out of their way to denigrate others for simply making different choices. You may genuinely be happy with your work-life balance but I suspect some other aspect of your life isn't going so well and as a result you're lashing out at random internet users.

I go to work everyday knowing I’ll be home putting my kids to bed that night

I'm currently attempting to put my 18mo to bed whilst DH attends a corporate dinner, and I wish we could swap! Just whatsapped him saying I need a project that involves travel, so I don't have to do flipping bedtimes 😂

Any thread on this topic shows that childcare can never replace a parent- and there are two ways to look at that. Either you want your children to have a parent around as much as possible, which will necessarily limit the parent's opportunities because there are only 24hs in each day. Or you are happy for your child to be cared for by a carer/nursery, and take opportunities for parental gain, knowing the parent will remain irreplaceable to the child. Neither is right or wrong, surely? It's just a preference, affected by a host of other factors.

My parents both put us to bed - one did bed time stories for us girls and one for my brother eg and my father came home for lunch from work most days of his life and in addition I came home for lunch from school until age ten - that is quite a difference from most children today at primary school. There were pros and cons to it - most girls stayed atl unch time so obviously I knew fewer people and had fewer friends but I probably got nicer lunches!

Then with my children we both tried to get home most days by 6 or 6.30 from work even if that meant not doing some work things we might have done although I am sure we both at times stayed late at work things to avoid the hassle of getting 3 under 4s to bed which is hell on earth at times. I don't write about my children who works and has children for privacy reasons but they will be similar.

Children like happy parents so do what works for you as a family. I would certainly hwoever not have liked it had I not been able to breastfeed just before and after work and through the night/ weekends and had I not been able to express milk at work and also I would never have accepted never putting the children to bed. Missing one night or 2 a week is fine but I always wanted the routine of the bed time stories, cuddles etc etc.

All my children by the way (all 5 are adult - youngest 2 at university) say they are very happy both their parents worked full time.

The first half of this thread was so inspiring for me - and gave me a real boost to throw some of my well earned cash at the problem!!
Since the thread started, I've doubled my cleaner's time each week and found a childminder to cover that difficult hour/half hour at the end of the day when it's a mad rush to get to the pick-up from nursery on time.
I've also had a conversation with work about my ambitions to earn more and get some stretch opportunities so that I can max my earning potential and not worry about paying for things that make day to day life easier. I've also put an end to a conversation with an employer about a role with less responsibility.
And I'm going to take the much earlier advice and book in a personal shopper day at the end of the summer to get my winter work wardrobe done in day!!
The bloody hair dresser will remain a pain, but that would be the case whatever I was doing for work.
Thanks to all you inspiring women who are killing it in the workplace - you can't be what you can't see - please keep sharing your experiences!

@elonmusk that's a really positive post - thanks for keeping it going

@elonmusk - great post! Good luck and above all, enjoy it.

@Xenia - can I ask what you did for childcare when yours were early secondary school years (11-13)? Nannies seem reluctant to look after kids of that age in my experience but they're young to be alone every day after school. Thoughts?

Just to say I’ve also found this thread really useful and inspiring. It’s also made me appreciate the many things about my (stressful and high pressure) job that mean I’m better off than if I took a role with less stress, responsibility and money. I’m still in the early stages of making it all work - have only been back from mat leave for a few months after first baby - but it’s comforting to hear of so many other women who are making a success of their professional and family lives. Keep the stories coming!

@elonmusk that’s so good to hear

@HarrietM87 that’s exactly how I feel too

@F33lguilty, i’m not Xenia but I can share what we did if it helps. Our last nanny left when dd3 was about 8 so still needed collecting from primary school. The older 2 got themselves home from secondary school on the bus. And whilst they didn’t need nannying I wanted an adult in the house to be responsible for them. So we got a cleaner/housekeeper who came in at 1pm to do cleaning, laundry and other housework. She then collected dd3 - a 20-30 min round trip on foot. She got their tea at around 5.30 and then left at 6pm. Dh would aim to get home as soon after 6 as possible but not having the stress of ‘having’ to be back by 6 improved his life enormously. If neither of us could be sure to be back by 7 we arranged a babysitter, but I was happy to leave the three of them (aged 8, 11 and 13) for an hour. And then as they grew older we felt able to leave them for longer if necessary. But we tried to get home at a reasonable hour as often as possible because we wanted to see them. We also moved mealtimes - theirs back, ours forward - as soon as they were ok to wait until 7ish so we could all eat together as often as possible.

We still have our housekeeper because we really like having our house tidied for us although we dropped down to 3 days when dd3 went to boarding school for 6th form as we couldn’t generate enough mess and laundry to justify all the hours.

OP are you in the C-Suite? If so the least amount of maternity leave you can take the better - it’s usually 3 months in my industry. I have always tried to reserve Fridays as work from home and will schedule ‘low stress’ meetings with my team on this day, so I can have DN with me without it causing too much of a problem. Replying to emails on weekends can also help make Monday mornings more productive if like me you receive queries from a variety of timezones.

When they were 11 - 13 I had twin babies! So we hired a new full time daily nanny and part of her job was to meet the 3 school coaches of the older chidren at abhout 4.30pm and get them home and cook dinner for the 5 children and in the holidays she was here looking after the twins (I was also by that stage working from home but often out at meetings and my door was locked etc in the day so I wasn't around unless an older children really needed something and I was here.

With the twins when they reached that age we had a lady who collected from school most days I think still when they were 11 or may be they just talked home alone by then but usually their older brother or siblings or I were here so they were not really alone. Their older brother by 10 years cooked their dinner and at 13 when they changed schools collected them from school every day (for a fee). Had he not wanted to do that I would have hired someone - we live in a an area with loads of people (outer London) so there is never a shortage of workers even for odd or occasional hours.

@MrsWobble3 and @Xenia - thank you for sharing your experiences. We have actually been considering a housekeeper from 4pm so as to have an adult at home three days a week (we can cover the rest). It would also help with our overall exhaustion levels too if the house was clean and dinner sometimes made! My kids don't need active child care, but a bit of company, snacks etc.

I had mine with v small gaps and the oldest is less savvy than the youngest so sadly no chance for an older sibling to step in!

Similarly we had an au-pair until DD was 12 when she put her foot down. I worked locally, ds was 15 and by the time they had done after school activities were rarely home for more than half an hour before me. Usually I was home by 6.30 latest.

It is these years I am finding harder - my career has taken off when I thought I'd be winding down. They are both at home and I have upped the cleaner's hours and feel as though we could do with an au-pair come housekeeper.

Have just paired about 30 socks and am off to work!

We had 3 under 4 at one point 3, 1 and the baby and we were both back at work, then the 10 year gap and then the twins. At one point we had an Australian (live out) lady who could drive and she collected the 3 (before the twins came) from school and also cleaned the house and did washing although over the years we tended to find people were either good at cleaning or looking after children but hard to find both in the one person. She was also happy to look after them on holidays particularly as she could drive them to places and she liked the trips out too. At one point when all 3 seemed o have a distant birthday partner invitation 40 minutes away every weekend she did the weekend driving tio parties which was huge saving of our time when we couldn't share lifts with another parent.

Oh I do agree about the cleaning/childcare combination.

I am very close to giving in and finding someone who will come in for two hours every day (Mon to Fri) to hang, wash, fold, tidy, do the dishwasher put the hoover over things like the sofas and dust. With the weekly clean and iron on top.

I think that a daily housekeeper works very well when you children are at that tweenage stage - too old for a nanny but not old enough to be left alone from 4-7pm.

Also works if you need a child collected from school or an after school activity. You know they are safely home and there’s someone to make them change out their muddy rugby kit, into a hot shower and have a decent meal. And the wet kit has been chucked into the washing machine on a quick wash.

And it’s bliss to have someone prepare a meal for you when you come home, even if it’s something simple you can heat up like homemade soup or a casserole. It’s like having a wife really .

Otherwise you will come home to a dark house, wondering if your 13 year old has been kidnapped. As you open the front door, you will fall over a pile of wet and muddy rugby kit dropped just inside. If you follow the sound of the X box you will find your precious baby in bed in his underwear shouting into his headset , surrounded by a pile of junk food wrappers.

Not that I speak from experience of course.

@M0RVEN that made me laugh! Yes, that's exactly what I fear if we don't have a suitable adult at home after school

Yes the nanny/housekeeper role is perfect for slightly older kids but very hard to find. Lots of nannies (understandably) want full time hours and don't want to do any cleaning.

Our nanny is excellent with the kids (now teenagers) and a great cook. She does household admin (parcels/online food orders/tradesmen) and "keep on top of it" housework although not proper cleaning.

Soon we won't need childcare at all and frankly I'd love her to stay - it is very much what I imagine having a SAHP would be like

You don't need someone with nanny skills later on though. You need someone on cleaning rates who can drive and modestly cook.

Each to their own, but personally the childcare element is what's crucial for me.
I'm happy paying more and having a separate cleaner to retain someone who the kids love and is pretty much a part of the family by now.

Having someone who my teens actually chat to and can persuade them to get off fortnite and do what they're fecking told is worth $$$$ to DH and I

Sorry, that "each to their own" sounds passive aggressive - I meant, genuinely, whatever arrangement works for you family is great. I think finding a solution for older kids is so tricky.