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Original poster

DD getting back/forth to school. Got myself in to a complete state!

235 replies

MayorMumbum · 10/07/2019 07:00

After huge amounts of issues with bullying/mental health issues and moving house we have finally gotten DD in to a good secondary with strong pastoral care. It's been four months of sleepless nights and calls/meetings with the council etc and generally been a really awful time for our whole family. BUT we have now realised that due to bus changes DD is going to have to get herself back and forth to this school every day, it's a twenty five minute walk away and she would be on her own. Or she could get the bus but due to the changes she'll be getting up at half six, having to get to the bus stop then loiter in the school library/cafe for half an hour both before and after school.

I could put her on the bus in the morning as its round the corner but she would have to wait at the bus stop alone on the other end every day after school after most of the kids have gone home.

Please give me some advice/reassurance on if this seems doable? She's so young still and just doesn't seem ready for this (either am I!) I've barely slept a wink.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 10/07/2019 11:08

Abduction has never been the remotest worry to me. Traffic accidents I did/do worry about. And hassle from other kids. But not abduction.

flowery · 10/07/2019 11:09

Who benefits from it- both. Me because I feel comfortable giving him a bit more freedom and know where he is. Him because he gets that freedom.

Unless and until he doesn’t want it we’ll stick with it- why not, when no one involved is concerned?!

Fibbke · 10/07/2019 11:09

I love the app! I can see how far away dh is so i can leap up and start looking busy in the kitchen when he gets into the village after work Grin

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GrabbyGertie · 10/07/2019 11:13

Haha. I knew this thread would be full of stories of three year olds walking themselves to nursery 13 miles away... 😅

Having said that a 25 min walk would be a short bike or scooter ride. She would be able to get up much later and you could practice it over the summer.

Also, when she starts she might well find other kids to go with.

Will she have a mobile phone? It might be less worrying for her (and you?) if she can call you whenever she needs to.

BertrandRussell · 10/07/2019 11:16

DP and I track each other because it amuses us and we can send each other smart arse texts. But we are consenting adults. I think tracking children in almost all cases is a big mistake . I might have tracked dd when she was younger and used to hack out alone - but she always had to give a rough route and a time when she was due back.

The people who say it gives their children more freedom- can you say what you mean? What do you do with the information you get?

Fibbke · 10/07/2019 11:21

Not really. We all like it and it works well for us, we all find it really useful.

MollyButton · 10/07/2019 11:25

I did worry about abduction on the first day my son went to secondary - he left at 7:50 and arrived home at 4:15, and I heard nothing in between those times. I occasionally worried when he was late home - my DC were all bad at phoning to let me know they were late.

But my Mum used to let me go on school trips and others of several day and we didn't even have a telephone in the house. Her motto was that bad news travels fast.

sneakypinky · 10/07/2019 11:26

Can't she cycle? That sounds like a 10 min/1 mile bike ride.

TapasForTwo · 10/07/2019 11:34

I'm sorry that so many posters have been unhelpful. They clearly have never had to go through what you and your daughter have.

They need to walk a mile in your shoes before they make those comments.

DD was horribly bullied at school so I completely understand why you feel anxious on your daughter's behalf. The feeling of isolation and the longer term effects are often underestimated by people who have never had this happen to them.

I think walking to the summer school with your DD the first day is a good idea, then maybe walking halfway, and meeting her halfway on the second day, then her walking to and from it on her own on subsequent days would be a good idea.

Obviously make sure she has a mobile phone as well.

I hope this new start will be the making of her. Good luck.

Ohyesiam · 10/07/2019 11:37

Op, my kids walk 25 mins to school( uphill!, thought thats obvs reversed on the way back.. ).
They would not be seen dead walking togetherHmm. Years 7 and 10.
My ds, yes my baby( cringe Blush) is an unusual boy. Very sensitive , a bit odd. Can’t always respond appropriately to situations. The sort of kid you can easily worry about, so I do get you.

BUT it’s been really good for both of them. Good baseline of exercise for the day.
Being outdoors and used to all weathers.fresh air first thing, then a chance to discharge built up energy on the way home.
Then last week I found he’s actually started walking with someone! ( saying he’s socially awkward is an understatement, he either monologues or is silent) it’s been a massive breakthrough. It’s taken him a year, but he’s quietly got there.

Op you never know what will come out of the situation.
Give your nervous system a chance to calm down from the horrible stress of the last few months. See her blossom in the solid pastoral care system. Give both of you a chance to relax.

Really hope it works out well Flowers

LoafofSellotape · 10/07/2019 11:47

I'm sorry that so many posters have been unhelpful. They clearly have never had to go through what you and your daughter have

That's a big assumption.

Chartreuser · 10/07/2019 11:48

I do worry OP, but recognise my anxiety is likely to be far far more damaging to them than the remote risk of abduction. Plus children only learn how to be safe by going out and realising they can be self-reliant.

I am terrified of tunnels so can't do the tube or Eurostar, I actively encourage them to use both as I don't want them to grow up as restricted as I am.

Re tracking re area all on iPhones. DDs first week of school I was on the the train home and she rang me in a panic, asking where she was. It it's a15 minute walk to the bus through residential streets which all look the same. Thankfully I found her on find my iPhone so could guide her to bus stop. We are working on her following the map on her phone, is a work in progress.

Ohyesiam · 10/07/2019 11:49

And in response to your question about worrying about abduction etc. I could easily, but I try very hard not to let myself go there.

Do you know the Serenity Prayer?

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I’m not a Christian, but something relaxes in me when I think about that.

There are things we must do to safeguard our children, and other things which are outside of our control that if we endeavoured to guard against we’d have to ruin our children’s lives by curtailing their freedom.

Statistics are on our side though. A tiny tiny amount of abductions happen each year.
So I can apply these two things to my worrying mind, and I find some ease. And let my children flourish with some element of freedom,

Also once you get used to your lovely dd setting out to school, then turning back up safely at the end of her day, something in you will relax .

TapasForTwo · 10/07/2019 11:53

"That's a big assumption."

But not an unreasonable one to make. I would have thought that any parent who has had to deal with what the OP has would show a little more empathy don't you think?

NoSquirrels · 10/07/2019 11:58

With the bus times, can she get a bus partway then walk - or walk to a different bus stop to get one to school? It’s probably quicker just to go direct on foot but always useful to have a back-up plan.

She’ll get loads of confidence the more she does it - maybe don’t leave the walking alone but until the very last day of the summer school week, but phase it in from Weds onwards.

Definitely get her going to the shop alone etc.

Honestly, I don’t worry about abduction. I worry more about road sense, based on the teens I have to avoid running over near our local secondary, with their eyes glued to phones & erratic cycling!

MsTSwift · 10/07/2019 12:00

Fingers crossed she pals up with someone on the summer school week

YogaDrone · 10/07/2019 12:05

My son starts secondary in September and his walk will probably be about 30 minutes. There is no safe cycle route unfortunately. He'll either walk or get the bus (if it's bad weather or he's got loads of heavy kit). We're going to practice both over the summer. He's also got a transition camp so I'm hoping that he meets some people in the locality he could walk to and from school with.

I am also worried. He's a bright boy but he lives on another planet and I'm worried about him crossing the road, or getting lost while he's in his dream world. I plan to track him - at least for the first few weeks. I want to know where he is and I want him to feel that someone knows where he is too.

My son's new school opens 40 mins before registration and the cafeteria is open for breakfast. If your daughter's new school has something similar she could take the bus, get in early she could have breakfast at school and catch up with her homework or chat to her new friends? Or mix and match - some days walk some days bus.

BertrandRussell · 10/07/2019 12:10

Going against the grain here- I wouldn’t hope for a walking buddy, particularly if she’s socially anxious. So much angst happens when people are thrown together just because they live in the same area. It could be fantastic, but it usually isn’t. It’s a nightmare if they fall out, or just turn out to have not much in common, or if one of them just wants to walk alone or walk with someone else or one is always late than the other.....
It can just lead to all sorts of social for even a robust child. For a child with social anxieties it is fraught with potential problems. Alone is the way to go!

RedSkyLastNight · 10/07/2019 12:15

I understand why you want to walk her to summer school, but can I suggest just doing it on the first morning, or at least dropping her off/meeting her a few minutes walk away.

Most of the other children will think it's weird that she's walking to school with a parent and this won't help her settle in!

JacquesHammer · 10/07/2019 12:24

I do wonder with families that track, what would happen if a child said they didn’t want to be tracked?

Well DD requested the app so......I’m pretty convinced I have her consent. She likes having it, when she’s ready to delete then we delete.

ComeAndDance · 10/07/2019 12:39

@MayorMumbum I dint worry about abduction. Never have, whether it was when they were 6~7yo playing in fronts of the house or now at 16yo (or anything in between).
I’ve had worries but not that

ComeAndDance · 10/07/2019 12:42

And YY to the fact I wouod make myself scarce if you go to the summer school walking with her.

It will look you are babying her. Which will make her look like a baby to the other pupils

LoafofSellotape · 10/07/2019 12:55

It can just lead to all sorts of social for even a robust child. For a child with social anxieties it is fraught with potential problems. Alone is the way to go!

Totally agree

SirVixofVixHall · 10/07/2019 13:02

I have always worried about abduction, due to a few high profile cases when I was a teenager, and also the tragic case of April Jones, who was the same age as my dd.
I know logically the risk is low, but I still worry. I also worry about cars.
Some parents worry more than others I think, just temperament and life experiences. DH and I both worry, but sometimes about different things.

LoafofSellotape · 10/07/2019 13:12

This risk is miniscule for abduction.

Look at the road she will be walking along,has anyone ever been abducted? High number of accidents? Teach her to walk on the inside of the pavement and not to wear ear phones/buds so she is aware of her surroundings.