My mother is a fucking bitch. Anyone else's mother one too?

[Gottalovesummer]

Too many examples to list here. But she's a narcissist, self centred, rude fucking person and I feel so much better writing it down here.

@KennDodd please free yourself. Do it. Mine threatened to kill herself if I didn't invite her to me wedding. I didn't. She didn't. It's all talk with her. If she had killed herself it would have been her choice. I wasn't going to be bullied.

It would be interesting to hear if anyone drops contact then thinks better of it

Ps thanks ruffled

Hell yes. We must have the same mother. You describe her to a T.
Thank god mine lives across the Atlantic, but she still manages to get under my skin. The woman is unbelievable. Told me she's had cancer twice yet never actually had it. Crazy witch. I share your pain xxx

@deathraystare
I would imagine it is sad if you are going NC with them

It honestly depends. When I went NC with my mother I felt only relief, but I'd long since given up any hope of having a normal relationship with her - for many years before I went NC I dealt with her by having very strong boundaries, getting a hotel room when I was in town, keeping conversations light, avoiding being alone with her etc. I found it knackering and she found it frustrating, as I believe she wanted to try to recapture the relationship that we'd had when I was a child - which had been horribly traumatic for me, but I think had definitely fulfilled an emotional need for her. I don't know if she might also be relieved to be away from adult, boundaried-me TBH. She always managed to have better behaviour around people she was less close to, and I wonder if the quality of interactions she has with people now is maybe better, as she's forced to behave OK. I know there was nothing healthy about us being in touch, especially as my kids got old enough to understand her and be vulnerable to her manipulation.

Mine said to me when I was pregnant with my son ( who is now 16 and wonderful), that I should 'have an abortion' she said she didn't know how I would possibly cope ( I'd been very ill for a while and getting pregnant was a huge surprise)...
This stems from the fact she only had one child, and couldn't (& still can't) understand people who have more than 1. And also she's got no idea how to communicate with him because he's a boy. My daughter is the golden child and I don't begrudge her that because she's the most wonderful daughter I could wish for, but my mum takes some pleasure in telling me tales of their little chats. I'm secure (now) in the knowledge I'm better than her, a better mother by far.
She was brought up during the war, so went without a lot. Her mother was harsh but fair, mine was just harsh. Short tempered and mean.
When I asked her to help with child care she'd say ' no one had you for me, I had to cope so I'm not having yours for you'
My dad was lovely, sadly he died 5 years ago.
I'm counting the loooong days, weeks, months, years til she joins him. She said when he was dying that 'I can't live without him, I don't want to live without him' but she's still here and making my life miserable.
She's passive aggressive, mean, rude, opionated and deaf - this means it's always my fault she mishears things.

There's so so many awful things she's said and done to me over the years, and I've just discovered I'm living with FOG.

I get angry that it is accepted here that there are mothers who are so bad

And yet there clearly are. Why deny it?

The word I keep coming back to is tragedy. Her life has been blighted and she has blighted our lives in turn. I understand this. But I feel it's a tragedy that I want no part of (been NC for 5 years). Her life was blighted it's true and that's why she is how she is, but she blighted mine just as much and I'm not a toxic narc, so she can own it as far as I'm concerned. She doesn't want to? Fine. Then I'm not being in contact.
Took me a long time to learn not to feel responsible for her tho, not until I was nearly 40.

I understand. We can acknowledge the tragedy of it all without invalidating the decision to cut off contact which is obviously the right decision for many people.

I have been doing the boundaries thing and telling her I am not responsible for her unhappiness.

She was like a monster looming over me. Now she’s pretty pitiful. The compassion I show her is mine to give or withhold.

Her attempts to find fault in my marriage and children are pretty pathetic now. Only the attacks on n my character still get to me and bring me down.

I’m trying to say that acknowledging her tragedy makes me stronger -cuts her down to size.

Same here

I get so jealous as every one of my friends have good relationships with their mums and get help and support when needed. I could almost accept no help and support tbh but my mum will actually go a step further and either engineer situations to cause me problems or when something has happened deliberately make things worse.
Perhaps the nastiest thing she did was when ds was premature she agreed to have dd (who was 2.5 and so well behaved her bedtime routine was easy and she slept through) we were going through hell thinking ds wouldn’t make it she called us at 9 pm when dd was ASLEEP her bedtime was 7 told us to pick her up she didn’t think it was fair we had ‘free time’ at home there was no reason we couldn’t look after dd. I had been discharged that day after a cs three days earlier was trying to express milk and couldn’t stop crying dh was taking the milk to hospital for me and trying to help me and we then had to pick dd up who was totally confused she would have slept through ffs and then we couldn’t visit ds together as had nobody else to have dd

I hated my mum from that day onwards

Sometimes i get this surge of anger seemingly out of nowhere. Because I feel cheated out of the image of my parents i constructed in my head. My 'mum' was overbearing but meant well. My 'dad' was spineless but just wanted what was best for me. Well those idealised images are gone and wtf do i replace them with? There really is nothing. I find relationships impossible because of what i've been through. It's like adding insult to injury.

I get very angry as well as sad, especially when others don't understand. Mine too was very unhelpful with DC, making me feel guilty for breastfeeding, and thought it almost shameful, to all sorts of other stuff. It really made it worse having children when I realised how she was with that as well.

And ultimately the people who did this to me are living normal, enjoyable and guilt free lives. I am basically a social outcast. I live in fear that this fact will ultimately cost me my children. Where is the fucking justice? When does my 'good life' start?

@tobeforgotten

I have gone NC 3 times, first time was when I went to uni, when I let DH he persuaded me to get back in touch so I did, soon regretted it!
Then went NC again a couple of years later and then when I was pregnant with DC1 decided to get back in contact - baby deserved family etc.
When DC3 was 1 I went NC for the last time. It’s been nearly 8 years now.
Even going NC didn’t make her realise how she is. I’m sure she still thinks I’m ungrateful and naughty and awful because I don’t agree with her

Hang in there Ruffle
Why are you scared of losing your children?

Yes my mothers isn’t a very nice person

She is selfish, jealous, self centered, narcissistic,

She has a good relationship with my ds but I am starting to notice the put downs. I have needed her to help me with childcare but pay out far more than I can really afford to have less time with her around and her negativity

When my mum dies i feel I will be released and it’s not a nice way to feel

People who don’t have abusers for parents cannot possibly even begin to comprehend it, so their opinions are worthless. Being ejaculated into does not make you a lovely, special person. The thread in the relationships section is great for those of us burdened with trash for ‘mothers’, my garbage genes will die with me, the trauma ends with me. They reap what they sow.

We had grandparents with PTSD in our family (from war). Unfortunately they did damage their children but not their grandchildren. There just isn’t the power in a grandparent’s voice that there is in a parent’s so you can mediate.
It’s sad though.

@Femodene that’s true
And I find I’ve got no one to talk to about it other than other family members she has abused
My friends don’t seem to want to know. Like they squirm at the fact I hate my mother as they love theirs so much or have lost their beloved mother. But being a mother doesn’t automatically make you a great person or means you don’t have to earn respect .
I’m really worried about mine finding out about my pregnancy

And it’s not just what my mother has done it’s what I have been left with

A lifetime of insecurity and doubt in myself that is a constant battle to manage

I thankfully was raised by my grandparents so have experienced unconditional love and I have enough self awareness parent very differently to my mum

I have to be on my guard with her all the time she can’t wait to pick up anything negative and use it to put me down in some way - she has ruined many relationships for me I won’t let her anymore

I've been VLC with my mother now for nearly two years after she told me not to talk to her again after I wouldn't agree with some bollocks she was spouting, so I didn't bother. I still see my father from time to time as we attend events in the same place. The scales have dropped regarding just how my mother interferes in everyone's relationships so she is kept top dog, how she will twist anything you say to her and use the twisted version against you to manage her top dog position, how little she can really be trusted, how much she has gaslighted me and everyone else down the years. They've also dropped with my father who I used to believe was the cause of a lot of my mother's problems thanks to what she said, and I realise he's just a weak weak enabling man. They tried to use my dc when I didn't run back tail between my legs this time. My father has had it both barrels over this and knows hell with freeze over long before I let them back in their lives other than for an occasional phone call. I'm sure my mother has dropped poison as to why she never sees her only gc now which doesn't resemble to truth at all.

tobe a combination of DA and what i've experienced from my parents has left me unable to form or sustain relationships or a job. Meanwhile my abusive ex and family are apparently perfectly functional and normal and i think faced with the choice the courts would not side in my favour. They may say i'm isolating my children.

Enthusiasm .. you've said how I feel 100%
When my mum dies I will feel released. Absolutely.
Released from the FOG. Released from having to listen to her crap. Released from having to dampen down slightly how bad things are to my children, although they're now seeing her as I do to a certain extent.
I loathe her.
And today, Father's Day, makes me wish she'd gone instead of my lovely dad.
Who wanted for nothing.
Her, on Mother's Day, making passive aggressive remarks about her neighbours daughter taking her out for lunch.
Doesn't matter where I take her, she complains , too small, too big, too cold, too warm, foods nice BUT..., too noisy, too quiet, too cheap, too expensive... so I don't bother wasting my time.
It's the anniversary of his death this weekend and she will no doubt have a dig that I've not been to see her or ring her, doesn't seem to realise she's not contacted me either!

Were my musings so beyond comprehension that no one could engage?

I'm sorry for those all struggling re Father's Day today .

Mine wished I'd never been born, threatened to kill herself daily as I set off for school as a teen and always told me as a child that my friends were pretty and I was ugly and fat. Told me to abort my first DC. Told me it was only a matter of time before my partner found someone prettier (when my OH left and she assumed another woman must be involved).Was completely unsupportive when I had a breakdown after having severe anxiety and made my life difficult, telling me I was ruining my DC's lives.
Surprisingly, I have quite regular contact with my mother despite this although I don't know why!
I do get pleasure from the fact she looks so envious of the relationship I have with my DC and it kind of highlights what she has missed out on.

My parents are so toxic that it's not safe for them to know my child exists. My best friends parents are doing grandparent duty