My mother is a fucking bitch. Anyone else's mother one too?

[Gottalovesummer]

Too many examples to list here. But she's a narcissist, self centred, rude fucking person and I feel so much better writing it down here.

My mum's mostly okay these days but my dad is a fucking arsehole. Does that count? 😂

Funnily enough, my dad only started bothering with me when I was 29. The day he finally left the bloody woman. It was actually on my 29th birthday! (Cheers for that) he’s no where near in the same realm as her but a bit of backbone a little earlier would have helped

Yep my mum is an absolute nightmare. Grew up just me and her, she always told me I had mental health issues because I was growing up and wanting to be out with friends. She was massively controlling, and even to the point of telling me what to wear, how to have my hair, what school bag I should have, I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs... yeah it was horrendous.
She has OCD, and if I had a shower, I would have to clean (and actually CLEAN) the entire bathroom afterwards. To the point of wiping and cleaning the mirrors so there was no water marks.
She is constantly negative, and at times it brushes off on to me. She would tell me my house was messy (3 kids and a dog it’s not going to be to her ocd level) and that I should do this, do that etc with my home to make it better. When I tell her my home is how we want it, she gets offended...
She took me to family counselling, and on the way there said to me “listen to this woman she’s going to tell you everything that’s wrong with you” and I sat there and listened to this therapist telling my mum how she has mistreated me all of my life and that she actually owes me an apology.
I’ve had so many days where I’ve thought “why is she still in my life” but she’s a great nan to my kids, and I wouldn’t want to deny them the chance to see their Nan. She’s a completely different person to them than how she was with me.
I see my friends going out with their mums and going on holiday with them, and I couldn’t imagine anything worse. We argue just sharing a car for 10 minutes!

My DM isn't a cunt, she is however extremely difficult and probably a bit toxic. She is emotionally stunted and has the maturity of five year old. As a child I had to walk on egg shells because her moods were so unpredictable, they would change like the wind and you never knew what you were going to get. She'd go from being full of the joys of Spring to sulky, slamming doors and giving one world answers in a matter of moments, often for the most ridiculous reasons. She got a stressful job when I was 10 and this got worse, as she would more often than not bring her bad day home with her. We all have bad days but when you are a grown up you have to suck it up and not take it out on others, her lack of maturity makes that impossible sadly.

She was never available for me emotionally. She never listened to me, asked me how my day was or encouraged me to do well at school. Without sounding like a big head, I'm very intelligent and my teachers told her I had the potential to do very well academically but she wasn't interested. I developed mental health problems in my early teens, started school refusing due to anxiety and failed my GCSEs.

All my opinions had to be the same as hers. She would explode in a rage if I didn't tow the line, it could be something a similar simple as not liking the same song that she did. She was controlling, told me what to do and was obsessed with what people though of us. She didn't respect my boundaries, she'd barge in my room without knocking, look through my things etc.

It continues into adulthood. Earlier this year I had a cancer scare, DMs attitude was that it's unlikely to be anything serious and I was being stupid by worrying, she genuinely couldn't understand why I was so terrified and was constantly shot down by her. I honestly had more fucking support from work colleagues I had only know about six months. Yet god forbid she's ever ill she'll expect us to rush to her aid..

She also uses money to manipulate us. Can't give us what we need emotionally, but if I went to her tonight and said I'm broke I need a grand she'd give it me just like that. I'd sooner be on the breadline than feel so emotionally abandoned.

@whyohwhyowhydididoit that sounds exactly right. When I told my mum that I wasn't telling anyone I was in labour (I was having a home birth and I didn't want the pressure or anyone just turning up). She stopped talking immediately and slammed doors in my own house! It's just a constant 'what about me' - all the time.

My mother is a narcissistic bitch who has never done anything but make me feel like shit. Am NC with her, I'm sad about it but there's nothing I nor anyone else could do to change her.

@Ohnotanothernamechange ... its seriously overdiagnosed on t'internet, but have you considered the possibility for untreated BDP for your mother? (untreated and treated people with BDP often behave very differently)

I dread my mum dying.

I speak with her most days - she's a lot easier than she was because nowadays she talks about herself more than about me. Also she can't physically follow me or contact my friends or go through my bins any more. And her attempts to control my relationships with the rest of the family are feebler. So it's directed inwards and I just to listen and make sympathetic noises.

I haven't been able to trust her with information since I was about 5.

My husband says I won't miss her when she dies.

But I am worried that all the feeling of being responsible for her unhappiness will hit me after it. I don't feel guilt but I do feel shame and it's taken a long time to accept that I am not responsible for her.

The word I keep coming back to is tragedy. Her life has been blighted and she has blighted our lives in turn.

“But I am worried that all the feeling of being responsible for her unhappiness will hit me after it.“

You are not responsible for other people’s feelings

This is something I constantly have to remind myself. We grew up being told by our “parents” that we were responsible for how they felt. It’s not true.

You choose how you feel about a situation. Your mother did not, she made you, a child, take the blame for her sadness, which I bet my bottom dollar on, you didn’t cause.

Let go of that responsibility NOW. You can’t manage her feelings today, you certainly won’t be able to after she’s passed away. You are allowed to let go. Xxx

thanks.

My auntie mentioned about 15 years ago that "it's not an equal relationship - there are more responsibilities on the parent than the child".
it was a shock and a revelation to me! I'd always been made to feel responsible for her happiness.

Tobeforgotten - try Relate counselling for yourself. It's worked wonders for me. Honestly, if my mum died tomorrow i'd be about 5% sad and about 95% relieved. Sad, but that's the result of her actions towards me. I can leave that with her now - it's not my cross to bear and never was.

I had counselling during the worst times of my Mother’s illness when my Brother was being an utter wanker. Found myself constantly saying ‘I feel guilty that’.

My counsellor looked at me and asked ‘is it your guilt to feel?’ I have found that hugely helpful over last few years.

Yes, my mother is toxic.

I have been getting better at challenging her behaviour, of course she twists things by saying she was just being honest... no you are not being honest you are giving an opinion and they are different things ....

Has anything happened to trigger the post?

Saw my m yesterday. She barely said anything just asked an 'innocent' question which left me silently fuming. At leasr after reading all the self help books i could get my hands on i realise that this was the intended response: virtually everything she says to me is calculated to produced either Fear, Obligation and Guilt. My anger was the result of the former, and is pretty much the only tool she has left in her armour. Obligation stopped working years ago. Guilt is still there faintly in the background. But it's fear - specifically my fear of losing my children that she can still play on. According to the books i've read she's not even consciously aware she's doing it. She's almost 'programmed' to provoke responses that will allow her to feed off my emotional energy. Any emotional energy. Bloody hell, who needs a mum like this when the world is already such a nasty place?

Can I add a couple of reading suggestions?

First there's People of the Lie - it's an old book, it describes people with what I think we would now call NPD. The guy labels them as the evil that they are, which is refreshing if you've heard too much of that "if they're that bad they must be sick, if they're sick you have to have sympathy" attitude.

Then there's this letter in the Guardian - I think it's good if we stop mincing our words about this stuff. Some people are evil, and we don't have to turn the other cheek, even if they are our mothers.

Mine doesn't know my address (despite phishing efforts from various flying monkeys family members). It's brilliant.

It's really tough when you don't get the mothering you needed as a child and it has made my life difficult and painful.

I found counselling helpful. I have been NC for 2 years and I am now LC with my Mum. Do what is right for you OP and put yourself first.

Diamondbean I had similar with counselling, but I was only 5 at the time. Counsellor told my father that it was his behaviour and my parents relationship that was causing my behaviour. That went down well - not.

Counselling can help, maybe depends. Mine understood I was NC for 'my own protection', she termed it.

Cannot imagine what it must be like to have a toxic Mother or Father - don't get me wrong, as a teenager, I 'locked horns' with them on many an occasion.

I would imagine it is sad if you are going NC with them, especially if you have kids but understandable.

I was at my Brother's wedding recently and was thinking how nice it would have been if Mum and Dad were still alive. They would have loved my Brother's little boy!

But you do what you have to to survive. If your parent is toxic why waste time with them.

I posted earlier but reading some more posts I've had a thought I've tried to discuss previously.

I never lived with my mother beyond babyhood. My life from then on was 3 years of good then 15 of major crap.

I have wondered before if it is worse for people who did grow up with their mother to have one who is rubbish? It's hard to articulate what I mean.

Even though my mother and I didn't live together she had a huge influence on my life and added to it being so bad.

Haven't seen her since I was 19 and have no intention of ever having contact again but what if she dies, will I feel it's unfinished business ?

Mine is 🙋‍♀️!!
I've just started reading 'But it's my family" by Sherrie Campbell it's changing my life please read it if you can. Not many/any paper copies I had to buy it on kindle.

I wish I could go no contact with my mum but the guilt won't let me. I had a miserable childhood because of her. I fear she would kill herself, or threaten to, then blame me. I think I actually hate her, my own mother, very complex feelings about her. My dad and brother are both dead, I'm her only child. I'm 50.

Yep. Went no contact 6 years ago. Best thing I ever did. Sorry to hear yours is a narcissist too.

Mine is just totally disinterested in me, I never see her and we don't speak much. Unfortunately my father is also a nightmare. I so envy people who have a good relationship with theirs