My mother is a fucking bitch. Anyone else's mother one too?

[Gottalovesummer]

Too many examples to list here. But she's a narcissist, self centred, rude fucking person and I feel so much better writing it down here.

It sounds like posters have hit a nerve with you TheBouguets. What’s caused your bile to be spewed at them? Anger or guilt?

I went NC over thirty years ago. I tried keeping in touch with the mother but she made no effort. Other siblings stayed for the money, as one even told me, they were going to get their share. One sibling got in contact with me recently, with all this creeping bullshite about life being too short, blah blah bla. I won’t go into details as I’ve probably risked outing myself anyway.

My two abusive bastards have both died, my mother just over a year ago. I was wondering what this sibling wanted, then my sil asked if there was a will. The penny dropped and so far no sight of the will in probate. The fucker was fishing. I wanted nothing from them but after the crap they fed me, especially the false sympathy she proffered when talking about the lose of my husband and the twisting of our past, I’m tempted to go after a cut, just to teach the manipulative bastards a lesson. Them getting in touch actually made me ill for a while and I’m so fucking angry that their hand of friendship was actually a poisoned chalice.

I should add, that I literally left with my stuff in a bag and was in poverty for years, before creating the life I have now. There is a lot of land and property left behind and they would still have loads if they split it equally, but they just wanted to check out what I was going to do. Nothing until you got in touch you fuckers!

@allfurcoatnoknickers

I had a baby three days ago, and my mother is already on me about weight loss angry

Jesus Christ... that's breath-takingly awful. Congrats on your baby.

@tolerate I had demands thrown at me, money babysitting, goods to be bought for them. I have been hit and also scarred for life (presumably). If I dont do what I am told I get abused and babies kept away. I would not take this from a man. MN would be advising LTB What is the difference who destroys you? Just Leave.
@CrowleysBentley I dont like your language. I dont speak to people like that but it is much tamer than some of the things said to me. I thought I was good to my DC they never went without, they had good school reports and then they took up with certain folks and have gone from one situation to another, worsening everytime. I am not their punchbag. Try as you might one day outside influences can turn their heads.
@ S1naidSucks would you put up with this?
Ironically I was a parent who had to wait years for DC, much wanted and much loved but there you go.
I have done my best and satisfied with that. I am greatly concerned for my DC and DGC for the situations they get into, This is not how they were brought up. It is their lives they are ruining and that of DGC

@thebouguets, things have gone wrong for you and your family and that is sad, but it’s sad for us too. Our Mothers weren’t kind. Mine would choose a bottle of wine and ten fags over food for us. She was a teacher. Nice middle class mum on the face of it. I’ve been battered black and blue for ‘stealing’ a slice of bread. I’ve been told I’m useless, fat, thick etc. She is nasty, manipulative, selfish and spiteful. The last time she visited she deliberately spilt coffee on a new tablecloth. She tried to set my daughters against one another. I’ve been no contact for years and it’s blissful.

My mother is supportive but not affectionate. She’s a different nationality to me so there are cultural differences but we have the same ideas and values about parenting and a shared love of animals.

What a lovely thread.

Pepperpot and TheBouguets - have you ever forgotten to buy one of your children anything for Christmas? Only one of them? Not an adult child living away from home. A child, still at school?

OP

My relationship with mine improved drastically after her death.

I’m trying and I feel failing miserably to be a good mum. So many posters speak of wanting the mum for a chat/gossip/advice. I’m trying so hard to do that right now, I hope one day my DD doesn’t go NC and pillory me on a thread like this. I’m probably narcissistic, but I try not to be.

So sad to hear about all these crap mothers
. I wonder what motivates them and how they justify things to themselves. Were they always unkind ? Even to small children ? Hard to fathom this.
I had a lovely mother and now know how lucky I am.So sorry that so many seem to have missed out.

@thebougets. Ive actually had quite a long run of parenting as my dd is an adult herself.

So far I've never physically beaten her, never threatened her with a knife, never smashed her bedroom up because I felt it should be tidier. I don't put her down and criticise her at every opportunity. I don't sulk and not talk to her for weeks/months if she makes a decision such as buying a certain type of car I don't approve of. I haven't opened the front door of her house and purposefully let her dogs run on to a busy road and stood there and watched and refused to try and help catch them.

Am I perfect? No, I'm sure I'm not. But I will never be like my mother.

@TheBouguets

**“can you really guarantee that you will at all times be perfect.”

No, and I don’t think anyone can. But I can guarantee that everything I went through with my own mother has taught me exactly what I shouldn’t do as a mother myself. I will never lie to my children about being pregnant/having cancer/being raped, I will never run up thousands of £s of debt in their names to stop them getting a mortgage when they are adults, I will never steal from them, I will never psychologically abuse them, i won’t disappear for weeks on end with no contact, I won’t pick new partners over them and I certainly won’t choose drugs over them.
That’s a very small snippet of what my mother did.

Whatever has happened between you and your own DCs is sad, strained parent/child relationships are awful for someone no matter which way it is strained. But what happened to most of the posters on here and myself is also awful, don’t take away from the stories in this thread just because it doesn’t match your own.

@TheBouguets
You really really don’t know what you are talking about.
I think most people on this thread aren’t talking about a mum who wouldn’t let them stay out late, or disagreed with them on some issues.
We are talking about mothers who beat you for the slightest thing, who’d shove a ball of socks in your mouth so the neighbours couldn’t hear you screaming, having to pretend your sister gave you the black eye to school, waking you up in the middle of the night because she’d decided your bedroom was too untidy and tipping everything into the middle so you had to put it all away again, not letting you put the heating on in your bedroom so it was so cold there was ice on the inside of the window (the heating was on in her room though so not a poverty thing), making sit for hours eating food you hate and when you were a little bit sick on the plate, mixing it in and still making you eat it, when you were 7 and wet yourself backstage during a ballet shoe leaving in a country lane in the dark and driving off, one year as a child not acknowledging your birthday, not even a happy birthday, and I can’t even begin to describe the emotional and mental stuff.
I’m pretty sure my own kids will not have to describe any of the above stuff. As they get order we may not get on, I’m not naive but my kids aren’t abused.

NC with mine for 10 years and then she died. I didn't attend the funeral.

Yes. When I was younger she was vile. She would gaslight, she'd tell me I was allowed to do something then when I did she would insist she never said any such thing and punish me. She made up things she thought I'd done and punished me. She'd stop talking to me for weeks.
She used me as childcare and cook which meant I didn't have time for homework and then punish me when I fell behind.
I wasn't allowed sanpro. Then I was punished for getting blood on my clothes.
I'm 37 and don't trust her but I'm trying to be adult about it for my own daughter.

Yep. Been NC for over a decade. Also NC with one of my sisters for 2 years as she’s turned into our fucking mother. The only sibling I get on brilliantly with is the one who lives miles away with our Dad, because his influence has made them a much better person.

My paternal grandmother is wonderful and has been like a mother to me; as has my step Mum.

But my actual Mum? I wouldn’t piss on her if she were on fire

Yep 100%. I too miss the concept of a mother from time to time. Plus it always surprises me when other people's mums do normal things like message them just to ask how they are. Me and one of my sister have been no contact with our mum for nearly two years. It's such a relief to just not be part of all the lies and bullshit anymore.

Yes. When I was younger she was vile. She would gaslight, she'd tell me I was allowed to do something then when I did she would insist she never said any such thing and punish me. She made up things she thought I'd done and punished me.

OMG I'd actually forgotten about that.

My mum m wasn't physically abusive unlike some of these terribly sad stories. Except for a couple of times when she hit me repeatedly. But she did make me feel very alone and unwanted. Like I didn't have anyone who had my back. She'd turn my siblings and my father against me, so I was more isolated. She'd lie about things to paint me in a bad light.

She'd also take pleasurable things away from me. Like when I bought things with my own money from my Saturday job, she'd scream at me that they didn't suit me until I ended up taking them back. She never took me to the hairdressers or buy clothes, even though she bought new stuff for my sisters.

She never encouraged me to make my own decisions or to be adventurous. In fact she did the opposite and was jealous of any independence I secured.

None of these things would mean I'd have beeen taken away by social services. But cumulatively they destroyed my self esteem. It's taken years of therapy to untangle myself from her clutches, even though she's been dead for years. And I could only dream of having a supportive, loving, engaged parent.

So yes OP my mother was a bitch.

What I love in this thread is the number of women determined to break the cycle. I didn't have children until very late because I was afraid of being like my mother. She taught me well though as I'm nothing like her at all. Not perfect but good enough to bring up confident, friendly and pretty successful young adults.

My MIL - such a nasty cow, even to her own grandchildren! Literally tells me things in my house are 'disgusting ... filthy' and they aren't they're just old carpets which we used to shampoo twice a year ... they were beige and we'd had children's ho used to make things mucky.... she's literally walked into my spotless house before, put her hands up to her face in shock... full on 'sharp intake of breath' going on and said goodness what's wrong with the telly .... it was literally the ONLY THING In THE HOUSE that wasn't dusted and bleached

OP - this always happens on MN you could say my mother stabbed me with a kitchen knife and done poster will say “well at least you’ve got a mother”
So true!!!
Sorry OP, hard to grow up like that and I fear it happens a lot

My mother turned a blind eye to my sex pest father and psychopath brother, both of whom made my life hell.

Now she tells people the reason I don’t speak to them is because I’m mental.

She’s a cunt and soon enough she’ll be a widowed cunt who never sees her daughter or only gc and that’s the bed she made for herself.

Yes, my mother is a textbook narcissist. She is absolutely awful but there is no reasoning with her. I always thought my dad was this poor, put-upon man who deserved better and it took me years to realise that he actually stood by and enabled her to treat me so badly.

I'm LC, I live across the country and see them maybe twice a year.

These stories are a hard read. I'm sorry for you all, I know how many of you feel.

I'm at a crossroads and considering going NC but I still want to see my dad (they're still together)

Xx for you all sharing your stories.

Yep. Have tried every which way to please her. She invents new rules every time you visit so she’s got one up on you the minute you walk in the door which genuinely makes you thing you are losing it. Then when you have remembered all her rules she’ll say she doesn’t do that anymore. Won’t accept any help but constantly moaning no one helps her. Wants visits but then does not want to do anything except have you sit in the house while she does chores. Used to deliberately not get me a towel when staying over so had to ask every time. Every single time for a smidge of control. Calls me ‘she’ sneeringly in front of my brother and generally looks at me like I’m something she’s scraped off her shoe. Has said awful things over the years. Spreads half truths around the family then sits back and watches the fun. Lightbulb moment recently I stopped worrying about her and doing things for her as she simply does not register it. Happy that I’ve stopped giving a crap about pleasing her, it’s just the way she is and it’s saved me loads of effort!! It’s mainly sad as she’s chosen to favour my brother but has missed out on genuine connection with her daughters.

I'm so sorry you didn't get the mothers that you deserved.