My mum is also very unpleasant. She was a violent, short tempered bully when we were children and my siblings are low or no contact with her. Nowadays she seldom voices anything openly but is very judgemental and passive-aggressive. She lives locally to me and knows many of my friends and in laws all of whom think she is an adorable, kindly, little old lady.
She puts on a great show. She visits older/iller acquaintances with flowers and hand made goodies, she remembers everyone’s birthday with a hand made card, she keeps a diary of bereavements and everyone gets a handwritten note on the anniversary of the death.
What they don’t know is what a horrible two faced bitch she is. How she badmouths them and judges and criticises them behind their backs. That all her kindliness and thoughtfulness (IMO) are narcissistic acts carried out to show how much better she is than other people who aren’t as selfless and sweet as she is.
The only people who see the ‘real’ her are me and her brother and his wife, all of whom have lived with her so she doesn’t bother to keep the act up when we are around. My DC have seen glimpses of her real self but they think they are anomalies and overlook them.
I see her because she is alone and lonely. I do what I can to support her practically but I am fully aware it’s all down to Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She is a parasite that drains me. And that same obligation means I keep up a pretence of her being lovely to other people. A very few know we have a ‘difficult’ relationship but only her brother knows the full truth.
Sorry - a rant. She really gets to me.