Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Advice Clinic - Slatterns welcome

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 10/06/2019 00:41

Do you have problems? Is your life truly ridiculous, are you ridiculous? Please step inside our fully staffed advice clinic and we will cure all your ills. We have a clap nurse standing by for more intimate problems, don't be shy.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
22
thislido · 11/06/2019 18:00

Preg to fool the authorities we have to pretend that Thighland isn’t real, so I can’t share a link. Carnage though. We need to get the DL in there, he can run a leadership contest.

Bessiebigpants · 11/06/2019 18:31

My mother used to treat my head lice with dog flea shampoo I'm from the carylderm generations and had long thick hair 2.5 bottles per outbreak for those that remember the agony. Dog shampoo made my hair glossy and nit free for the record!

Frownette · 11/06/2019 18:33

Advice clinic: I have been a slovenly slattern today. How can I redeem myself before midnight?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 11/06/2019 19:49

TL ah yes, the village hall. At youth club every Wednesday Paul from the remedial class and I would go round the back of the parish hall. We'd spread his fishtail parka on the ground and give each other hand shandies. It was so romantic.

What I liked best about Paul was that, despite having a bicycle rather than a motorbike, he wore a motorcycle helmet.

OP posts:
DanglyTassles · 11/06/2019 20:04

Thigh that's so thromantic.

Frown don't be so ridiculous, you've done very well today and are being very Thigh already so keep up the good work and don't ruin it.

If you do wish to improve further to try for maybe a th'medal, just shag a few more sailors and let your standards slip even more and be a fucking lazy slag-whore for full reverse improvement.

Frownette · 11/06/2019 20:07

I went and brought some broccoli, sorry Blush

DanglyTassles · 11/06/2019 20:31
Hmm
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 11/06/2019 20:39

Confused Angry

GET OUT

OP posts:
ProjectGainsborough · 11/06/2019 20:42

Jesus. Can you dip it in chocolate? Deep fry it?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 11/06/2019 20:44

Stick it up your fanny? What are you going to do with it? Hmm

OP posts:
ProjectGainsborough · 11/06/2019 20:46

Donate it to molly. She’ll have bleached her lawn by now and will be in need of greenery.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 11/06/2019 20:47

Struggling to keep my cherry madeira cake down here. You've set my gag reflex off and, believe me, I've honed it.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 11/06/2019 20:51

About 10 years ago, prior to the Mikhail Baryshnikov/Red Wine/South African friend debacle, I got very arseholed and phoned Remedial Paul. We had a lovely conversation. It went so well that I repeated it about six months later. This time his wife answered.

I didn't let that deter me as I was there first. This time the conversation did not go as well.

OP posts:
ProjectGainsborough · 11/06/2019 20:52

How remedial was Paul?

Frownette · 11/06/2019 20:55

Spaghetti with pesto, prawns and broccoli? Lots of butter?

Stewed nectarines with clotted cream for after? The whole tub?

Oh alright then I'll waddle down and find a sailor. Shouldn't be hard in this weather

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 11/06/2019 20:56

Don't worry Proj he could walk and talk, he was just thick/disinterested in school. Back before schools were legally obliged to be kind they had classes clearly numbered 1-8 then R.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 11/06/2019 20:58

Obviously I was in 1 for everything except maths for which I was in R.

OP posts:
DanglyTassles · 11/06/2019 20:58

Frown I am sectioning you under something or other! Come quietly to the hospital/holiday park and after a time you won't want to leave but we'll release you anyway!

Project hurry up and mend our house! Look what happens when we have to wait! The world goes mad!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 11/06/2019 21:01

You're probably all wondering about my male South African friend by now. He was super fun and knew his way around a gun. Sadly I had it on extremely good authority (my sister) that his balls smelled of onions.

OP posts:
DanglyTassles · 11/06/2019 21:01

Thigh I was also a clear genius at school except when I got a U for 'Unclassified" for maths!

That's ok though it's what's inside that counts or some other excuse!

ProjectGainsborough · 11/06/2019 21:03

Oh good.

I’ll never forget the shock of realising I’d been put in dimwit maths. Instead of being taught we got to watch Mr Clarke surreptitiously masturbate for an hour Hmm

I’d say it was a travesty, but I still can’t really count.

DanglyTassles · 11/06/2019 21:05

Thigh I hope you don't mean Oscar Pistorious!

He was a surprise on Valentine's Day for sure! Not sure if he smelled of onions down below though!

ProjectGainsborough · 11/06/2019 21:05

Maybe we should all come and live separately in THIS house for a bit. After all, it will probably start to smell of wee quite quickly, best to pass it on to a new owner soon.

thislido · 11/06/2019 21:15

Raw onions or cooked onions? I feel it's quite an important distinction.

DanglyTassles · 11/06/2019 21:18

Proj I think back in our day that counted as 'teaching'.

No wonder we all could't do maths!

I'm not bad at it now in real life as long as you don't start going on about pie and algorithms and such shizz which has no relevance to me in any way shape or form and if it does I can just ask naked and the honeyz.