Advice Clinic - Slatterns welcome

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Do you have problems? Is your life truly ridiculous, are you ridiculous? Please step inside our fully staffed advice clinic and we will cure all your ills. We have a clap nurse standing by for more intimate problems, don't be shy.

Last night I had to take ds to A&E. This evening I had to take the cat to the vet. I felt sorry for myself on the way home so I bought some chocolate for myself for tonight once dc all asleep. Dd put the shopping away and I can't find my chocolate. She wouldn't have eaten it cos she values her life too much for that but I just can't find it.

I've eaten 5 digestive biscuits with my cup of tea but they haven't hit the spot at all.
Should i wake dd to ask her where it is? Shes a deep sleeper so could take up to 10 mins to get any sense out of her. It's also worth noting shes doing gcses at the moment so it would be utterly selfish of me to rouse her for my own selfish needs.

But I want chocolate. Waaahhhh!

Clue deliveroo? I have a pizza place that delivers chocolate, sweets, ice cream toilet roll and fags near me. I'd have died long ago if it weren't for them.

*Frownette. There are a few houses in the village with pampas grass and my DH suggested we get some (without him knowing the reason for this - had another thread about this). Will get him some vitamins and get myself some tonic at the same time!

Reagan I have catered many preschooler birthdays. Get a giant trough and fill it will cheap snacks from Morrison's or somewhere equally declasse. Those who emerge alive get to go home at the end of the day.

If you don't have a trough, use a table.

This approach also works for teenagers and team meetings.

NoClue can you not go out? If your DD is over 283 months old you will probably not get reported to SS.

I've never used deliveroo! Surely the delivery charge would make a £1 bar of chocolate extortionate?

Now wondering just how.much i want chocolate. Looking at most of the kitchen cupboard contents around the kitchen it appears like I want it a lot, but the thought of paying a delivery charge just seems too decadent. 🤷‍♀️

Johnny, eldest isn't quite that many months yet. She'll be lucky to get to that age if she keeps hiding my chocolate
Last thing I need this week is a SS referral. And it would mean I'd have to go out in the rain.

Johnny have you sold the twins?

Or if not why are you being tardy? lido had some sort of exchange at a service station all set up

Actually TL does have a child removal service. She has a DBS and rounds them all up for a one way trip to centre parcs.

Actually I do have a genuine q!! Childhood friend was asking what I get up to and I said x,y,z then I sometimes spend time in the internet slag advice clinic.

He asked me to ask what advice you'd give about a pervy childhood friend asking them to sit on their face (he DOES. My husband laughs, and I say 'I ain't getting on no face, fule').

So.advice. knee catapulation?

Frown take him up on it! What's wrong with you? Does he want money?

Molly do a Fred West with your garden design, cover the whole things in concrete. Is your husband moaning? Is he doing a poorly voice and shuffle, wearing a dressing gown of doom?

Under the patio, Reginald has a whole village decomposing under hers.

Regan I seem to remember helping you with a hosting / baking problem before. Was it you? It's better for you if you confess.

My hair is very meh and I need a new and exciting look. However I'm not new or exciting so probably can't pull it off, I don't want to change it in any way and I'm too bad at organising my time to actually go to a hair dressers and make them sort me out. Maybe this amazing dog shampoo?

Also I told 5yo DD that I'm not doing another village hall birthday party, she can do something small with less people. But I don't want to pay lots of money and I don't want to have a gang of children in my home that I'm in charge of.

Help. Please.

Johnny if you're selling the twins that money goes in the war chest in case we come under attack again.

Bee buy a scrunchie and put your hair in a winsome and coquettish bun.

Get the other parents to meet you at the local play park and provide ribena, sandwiches and cupcakes. It's shit, but it's more than enough.

I got distracted from mumsnet and only had 7 minutes from getting out of bed till i had to leave for work. I look shit and i have meetings today :-( should I fake death?

Yes SOCKS fake death and sit at home like the slovenly trollop that you are.

It may have been me. I did ask about a nanny vs day nursery (went with nanny as per your suggestion).

thigh, you're in luck, I relayed your advice about advice slatterns sitting on his face for cash and he's quite taken with the idea and admires your fine mind.

Limited availability. T&Cs apply.

SOCKS it's either call in dead, or if you do attend the meetings use stick on googly eyes on your eyelids whilst you just nap through the proceedings.

Frown I've got 2 old £1 coins I can't be arsed to take to the bank. Also I've been growing my fanny hair for a decade. He's in for a treat.

The drone footage of Centre Parcs/Lord of the Flies is quite something. At least I think that’s what I’m looking at. It may have got mixed up with a dispatch from Syria.

@thislido Link?!

Bee your hair sounds fine.

A play park picnic sounds much more fun than a village hall affair. Nothing good ever happens in village halls. Although I bet you’ve had a few ‘moments’ round the back of villages halls, Thigh?👌🦴💦 (That’s the hand shandy emoji, right?)