Corny or downright crap jokes anyone ? I shall begin.

[IndigoSpritz]

Yesterday morning, I went out to buy some batteries. It was a power trip.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

Wooley jumpers

A brain and a set of jump leads go into a bar. Barman says "Get out, I'm not serving you. You're out of your head and he's bound to start something"

Where do cows go on holiday?

Mooyorca!

Im here all week

Ooh, on the way did you pop into the mirror shop? I could myself doing that.

Polar bear walks into a bar. Barman says "what'll you have?" Polar bear thinks for a while and then says "Pint of Best". Barman says "no problem, but why the big pause?"

Horse walks into a bar. Barman says "Why the long face?"

*I could see myself doing that.

I can't believe I fluffed the punchline. I'll definitely get my coat.

I recently took a pile off campers
All of them were upset when their tents collapsed

It was actually a white horse and the barman said "we've got a whisky named after you", and the horse said "what, you've got a whisky called Barry?"

One snowman to another: can you smell carrots?

A guy walks into the bar looking really miserable. "Could I have vodka, mate. I've just been to the hospital - better make it a double."
Downs it in one go. "Another"
Knocks that back.
" 'Course, I shouldn't be drinking these with what I've got."
"Why, what have you got?"
"About twenty-three p".

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other, “how the hell do you drive this thing?”

A spider a snail and a centipede are all chilling at the spiders house. The spider says, “I’m starving!” and the other agree that it would be good to get pizza.

So they all decide what they want but home delivery is closed for the night.

They all start bickering but the centipede agrees he will go and collect their order.

An hour passes and the centipede is still not back. Another hour and the two start to get really worried.

Finally they decide to go and look for him. They put on their coats and open the front door to find the centipede standing on the front step. "What are you doing?" The spider says "you have been gone for ages."

"Calm down guys," the centipede says, "I'm just putting my shoes on"

I wrote down on a piece of paper the names of all the people that I hate.

My friend used the piece of paper to roll a joint.

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

What’s blue and not heavy?

.
Light blue.

What's brown and sticky? A stick!

What is a caterpillar after it is 3 days old? 4 days old!

When you’re driving along in the countryside, point at a field full of cows.

“Look - a flock of cows!”

Your companion will say something like,

“Isn’t it a herd of cows?”

To which you respond,

“Of course I’ve heard of cows - there’s a flock of them right there.”

My granddad said "when one door closes another opens." He was terrible cabinet-maker, my granddad.

I should tell you what he said before he kicked the bucket. He said "watch me kick this bucket." (it's daft, but it makes me laugh for some reason).

Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"

The cannibals move on to discussing politics. "I really don't like any of the Tory leadership candidates". The other replies "sorry, about that, just eat the salad then."

What did the grape say when somebody trod on him?
Nothing he just gave a little whine.

Masochist ; Hit me .
Sadist ; No.

I have a little pet amphibian. I call her Tiny because she's my newt.

What's the difference between 'erotic' and 'kinky'?
Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky's when you use the whole chicken.

I also am here all week.
Try the chicken...
Ah. No. Don't.

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam