Corny or downright crap jokes anyone ? I shall begin.

[IndigoSpritz]

Yesterday morning, I went out to buy some batteries. It was a power trip.

Two parrots on a perch.

One says to the other “can you smell fish?”

What’s pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife.

What’s the difference between a fireman and a soldier?

You can’t dip a fireman in your egg.

What do you do with a wombat?

Play Wom.

Where do baby monkeys sleep? In apricots.

Can I just thank my neighbour for lending me a large piece of plastic sheeting?

Ta Pauline!

What do you call a monkey in a Mine Field?

A Baboom!

What's E. T. short for?

Because he's got little legs!

Donald Trump says to our Queen, " I really fancy calling myself King Trump! "

She replies, "in order for you to be King, you'd need to have a kingdom."

"I could be an Emperor!" he suggests.

"You'd need an empire."

"How about being a Prince, then?!"

"Ah, no. You'd need a principality to be a prince...."

"What do you suggest then Ma'am?"

"Well, Donald, I think your doing just fine running a country.........."

These are great!

My friend bet me £100 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti....

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta 🍝

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tuna piano but you can't tuna fish.

Did you hear about the baker who got electrocuted? He trod on a bun and a currant ran up his leg.

A duck walks into a bar. He asks the barman, "have you got any bread?"
The barman says "no"
"Have you got any bread?"
"No."
"Have you got any bread?"
"No, and if you ask me one more time I'll nail your bill to the bar!"
The duck thinks for a minute. "Have you got any nails?"
"No!"
"...have you got any bread?"

A man walks into a bar... ouch.

Taxi for Fook

Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day.
Tom Parry

Two muffins in the oven. One says "Phew it's hot in here." The other replies "Argh! A talking muffin!"

Love these! I'm afraid all of my jokes are either rude, politically very incorrect or would need a trigger warning!

Two tv aerials got married the other day.

The ceremony was ok but the reception was great!

(Boom boom tish - I am truly wasted here).

Most people think if you took away a snail's shell it would move faster.

But it actually makes it more sluggish.

William Shakespeare walk a into a bar and orders a beer. Barman hors, "I'm not serving you - you're Bard!"

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?
Sir.A

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonky.I

Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel Prize?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

What's long and green and smells of bacon?
Kermit the frog's finger

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it.

My daughters favourite joke;

How many eggs does a french person have for breakfast?

One, because un oeuf is enough.

Why does a squirrel swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies

What do you do if you see a fireman?
Put it out man !

Loving these and will teach my children the clean ones tomorrow.

Why did Betty drop her ice cream?

She was hit by a bus...

I went in to my local record shop and asked the owner what records he had by Phyllis Nelson.
He said, "Move Closer".
[standing right next to him so my nose is touching his ear] "What've you got by Phyllis Nelson?"