Corny or downright crap jokes anyone ? I shall begin.

[IndigoSpritz]

Yesterday morning, I went out to buy some batteries. It was a power trip.

Farting in a lift is just wrong on so many levels

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the jugular.

Did you hear the one about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? He was pulled under by a strong currant/current

Maybe oly funny in Scotland but here goes, a man walks into a bakers and says isthat a donut or a meringue, the baker replied naw yer right enough its a donut (grin)

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

What do you get if you cross a duck with an avocado?

Quackamole.

I love these threads.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

Also, any joke that features cheese.

For you, Wormentrude:

What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Na-cho Cheese

I was playing chess with a friend and he said "Shall we make it interesting?"
So we stopped playing chess.

What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard 195 bananas
(Joke about a thread )

Got 2 here. Heard 1st on Steve Allen early today. 2cnd is an ancient Scottish one.

Why shouldn't you push a Finnish national into the sea?
Because....Helsinki🎆🎊🎉😂😂😂😂

Bloke walked into a butchers and asks "Is that a sheep's hied (head) you've got there"?
Butcher replied "Naw, it's just the way I part my hair" boom tish.

My 6 year old DS's two favourites

Why are football stadiums cool?
Because of all the fans

Why do vampires make good artists?
Because they like to draw blood

One I remember from being about that age

A doctor went to visit a patient at home. On the way through the garden he was interested to see a well in the garden. He leant in to take a look, slipped, fell in and was drowned. The moral of this story is doctors should treat the sick and leave the well alone

These need to be done in sequence and work best if told to people who know the Bristol (or south of Bristol area)

Q: How do you get 2 elephants in a mini?
A: One in the front, one in the back.

Q: How do you get 2 giraffes in a mini?
A: Take the elephants out first.

Q: How do you get 2 whales in a mini?
A: Well I'd go across the Severn bridge!

Two teams of cats have a swimming race. The first time is French and the cats are called Une, Deux and Trois and the other team are English and the cats are called One, Two and Three. Which team won?

The English team because Une, Deux, Trois , quatre, cinq

What happened to the frog that parked on double yellow lines?

He got 'toad' away!

What's green and likes to camp?
A boy sprout.

What do you get hanging from a cherry tree?
Sore arms

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt.

What cheese do you need to persuade a bear out of the woods?

Camembert

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

A man walks into a bar with a long strip of tarmac.
"I'll have one for me and one for the road".

If you drop a piano down a mineshaft, what key does it play in?

A flat minor.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
May.
May who?
Made a mess of Brexit.

And a couple of book titles to consider: Tailor's Tales, by Polly Esther Cotton, and I'm Not An Arse, by L. Bowe (The latter being highly recommended for all medical students).

Anyone else hear about the appalling behaviour on Bournemouth beach yesterday? Man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids. Then she smacked him one and it all kicked off. Police turned up and the copper had to use his baton on the bloke, but after a struggle, the bloke got the baton off the copper then he started hitting the copper and the woman with it!

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages....

Two goldfish in a tank.

One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Mascarpone.

Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have anty-bodies!

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.