Your child asks you to lay with them...

[cjt110]

They are 4.5 years old. Usually self soothe to sleep but ask you to lay with them.

Do you be Mum A who insists they sleep on their own. Child gets upset and you feel like a massive shit for trying to stick to the "rules" that "they" set dow about self settling.

Or

Be Mum B which thinks "fuck what "they" think" and lays with your child with their bedtime music on, soothing them and letting them fall asleep cuddling you?

B every time

B, you can't get the time back.

I love lying with DS whilst he falls asleep, and so does he.

Mum B. I still do this every night with DS who is almost 6.

I'm Mum A, and I really dislike the implication by a lot of people on this thread that to make your DC feel loved you have to lie in bed with them until they are asleep. Mine gets cuddled numerous times a day, and at bedtime. He is then left to go to sleep, which he does willingly, knowing he is loved, and safe. Yes other mammals keep their young close, if I thought DS might get eaten by lions in the night I would keep him close too, in our 3 bed semi, I don't see that as much of a concern though.

OP do what works for you and your DS. If you aren't always perfect give yourself a break, despite what some would have you believe, we are all less than perfect at times.

My mum (a Mum B) died when I was 11 and those cuddles stopped.

I will always be Mum B too. I’m lucky now that DD13 is making up all the lost cuddles.

I'm mum B and my DS is 4.8 (also have 20 month old DD who is fed to sleep every night). I sometimes get frustrated with it and have sometimes tried to be mum A; however, I know he needs it as whenever I'm not there for some reason, he ends up crying out in the night, or waking up ridiculously early or something.

Mostly Mum A but sometimes Mum B when needed. DH is much better at being MumB so he does that a lot. Last night I was MumB and let them stay in my bed all night, something which only usually actually works when she's sick. MumA works for us- she goes to sleep quickly and happily and loves her bed. I need my own space in the evening or I feel very down.

Am I the only one who thought that poem was good?! but then I am a hippy ebf co-sleeping mum to one I have been told by others on MN that I should get DS in his own room now and family have been appalling nosey arses! But I did and am doing what's best for us at this time. A pp said a very true thing upthread that why is it that we expect babies to sleep on their own and yet adults often sleep together? Just read 'Three in a Bed' for inspiration and factual evidence that co-sleeping works. DH's sister resorted to locking hers in their room until they fell asleep on the floor by the door in a terrible state. That is child cruelty. And she has the nerve to tell me I'm wrong for what I choose to do in my home with my family. Unbelievable!

No one else needs to know what you do in your home. There is no one right way. These are private relationships. Your SIL does sound cruel though.

I was also a hippy ebf co-sleeping mum. But to three babies, not one, and they aren't babies any more. And when you've been doing bedtimes every night for more than a decade you might find that you start needing your evening recuperation time more than you perhaps once did! I was a pretty full-on full-time parent to all my toddlers, but eventually you need your life back to a degree in order to keep your sanity. That poem is miserable self-righteous smuggery on a stick because motherhood isn't martyrdom, and you can be an excellent parent without signing up to a decade of two-hourly lie-downs with your child every evening. (So with three children, that's what, 6 hours every night? Right...)

That poem is miserable self-righteous smuggery on a stick because motherhood isn't martyrdom, and you can be an excellent parent without signing up to a decade of two-hourly lie-downs with your child every evening

This with bells on!

Yes other mammals keep their young close, if I thought DS might get eaten by lions in the night I would keep him close too, in our 3 bed semi

Mum B - and it still occasionally happens with my youngest who is 13 .

^ and I say that as a SAHM to 3 children, all EBF. I dedicate my days to caring for them, nurturing them, feeding them, answering all of their questions, etc etc. It doesn’t make me a bad mother to need my evenings to myself.

Mum B. Always have a bedtime snuggle but DD sleeps in her own room, she drives the "bed train" to her bed and we rarely have any messing about.

and you can be an excellent parent without signing up to a decade of two-hourly lie-downs with your child every evening.

And you can be Mum B without signing up for two hours of lying down too. Even with a handful of stories it's rarely more than 20-30 minutes for me. And that's because I choose to lie down for a while longer after he's asleep, just relaxing!

I have been mum B then regretted it because it became a habit that destroyed everyone's sleep. I am now mum A unless child is sick

This kind of thing never happens with DD but on the rare occasion, I’d be mum B but day to day, I’m mum A. It works for us, DD has stories, a cuddle, a kiss and a song and then goes off to sleep, knowing that mummy comes back 10 minutes later to check on her.
I suppose we’re reqlly lucky to never have had issues at bedtime, I know friends who have and it looks exhausting.

Mum A and don't feel bad about it. Unless it was stormy and the electric was off type of scenario/child was sick etc.

Neither really. I've been b when dc is poorly and a when I'm poorly. However dh and i both do a long cuddle before bed and do a 10 minute cuddle upstairs if they want one. They wouldn't fall asleep though so if they were being making noises after that then unless sick they have to get on with it.

Some nights they'd be cuddling all night if they could, we both still have to cook dinner and shower ourselves so they don't get it for as long as they like. They get enough, then have to learn to settle themselves. Unless ill.

Mum B
My mum was a Mum B and it always meant everything to me even night before my wedding i stopped at mums and i was freaking out but she lay next to me all night and said some of the sweetest things to me ill always remember

"you can be Mum B without signing up for two hours of lying down too"

Not in this house you can't! If I lie next to anyone I'm signing up to 'mummy? What if the moon really was made of cheese? ... Mummy? Mummy? ... Do you think Mr crow will be sitting by the window again tomorrow? Mummy? My elbow hurts a little bit.' ... Then 20 mins of tossing and turning and poking. Then when you think you're in the clear, a little voice goes 'mummy? What if there really was a skeleton in my cupboard? Would it talk?'. And so on and so on and on and on. And remember while this is going on I have two other kids in the other rooms who'd also love me to do the same with them...

If it was only now and again i'd be mum B but generally speaking i'd be mum A.

I was Mum A but it never caused them to get upset because I never did it. If they are getting upset it's already too late you've created the problem. My friends called me a nazi about bed time at first but later would bemoan the fact I was lucky my kids had always been good sleepers. One friend was still laying down with her son when he was 11 or 12 - but as he was older she'd get stuck up there in his room later and later.

My friend

frog not in this house either. Honestly, why is it so hard for some people to realise that just because it’s like that for them doesn’t mean it’s like that for everyone?