Your child asks you to lay with them...

[cjt110]

They are 4.5 years old. Usually self soothe to sleep but ask you to lay with them.

Do you be Mum A who insists they sleep on their own. Child gets upset and you feel like a massive shit for trying to stick to the "rules" that "they" set dow about self settling.

Or

Be Mum B which thinks "fuck what "they" think" and lays with your child with their bedtime music on, soothing them and letting them fall asleep cuddling you?

I think it's very very easy to be mum b to one toddler. Most of us are I suspect. But then kids get older, less compliant, and then more of them come along, and some of us get fed up with having no life at all beyond parenting... reality has a way of intervening in those happy attachment parenting plans.

My friends called me a nazi about bed time at first but later would bemoan the fact I was lucky my kids had always been good sleepers

I’ve had this too. My friends think I’m rigid and inflexible about bedtime (mine have been to bed after 7.30pm maybe 5 times in their lives!) but then say how ‘lucky’ I am that they go to bed without complaint and I have evenings to myself!

I'm mum b and my kids sleep fine. In contrast we get comments how easy it is to be flexible. We stay out late....have afternoon naps.. fly long haul and children have no issues. I know what I'd rather :)

"you can be Mum B without signing up for two hours of lying down too"

Not in this house you can't!

Yes, every child is different (unsurprisingly). I'm just saying that it isn't two hours for everyone which is what the implication was. Clearly it is for some. It's not for me, so being mum B really isn't an issue. I'm sure if it took two hours I wouldn't do it.

Honestly, why is it so hard for some people to realise that just because it’s like that for them doesn’t mean it’s like that for everyone?

It's not, that was my - clearly missed - point. The mum A in my quote was implying that it took two hours for all Mum Bs. I said it didn't. That doesn't mean it doesn't for others.

Skyejuly and I know which I’d rather, so it’s a good job we’re all different with different lives (ps we also fly long haul, have long relaxed lunches out etc).

😂🥺🤗

Oops sorry - did it mean to do that at all

Always mum B. My DC haven’t slept in my bed for approx two years now so they will always grow out of it, they won’t want to be in your bed when they’re 18 ffs .

I’ve always let them use me for comfort, it’s part of my role as a Mother.

My eldest 2 are 13 and 15. They dont need numerous stories anymore. I did not sleep train but its happened naturally. They still like a chat before bed and its three norm to chat without it feeling like I'm interfering. I will miss this when they move out. My 2yr old falls asleep on either me or hubby but on the plus side she will sleep wherever, whenever. I think because my eldest was quite rigid with routines at the start that I now enjoy this relaxed way over sleep.

A. Haven’t needed to be B for a long time. Kids are 7 and 2. I work shorter hours that I need to make up by working in the evenings. They get a lot of both dh and my attention (he too works shorter hours and from home). So we try to minimise their time in childcare and without us. In turn this means bedtime is bedtime. We need to do chores and get to work. Lots of cuddles and playing at other times and all through the day. Both DH and I are pretty hands on and we have altered our work schedule to fit theirs. But at 8 pm sometimes I have two hours of work to do and I can’t be lying down with one or both.
I am only Mum B when someone is ill.

Also as Mum A I can indeed let go of the routine on holiday, my kids fly 28 hours to my home country without a hassle and suffer minimum jet lag. In fact having a routine helps them settle down much faster. You do it your way, I’ll do it mine. I would much rather be present in the day time than lying in the dark but to each their own.

As I said the exception is illness and DS2 is not always well and has been in and out of hospital a bit. In fact at that point for DS1 having a routine is even more important. But when DS2 comes home I do sleep with him for a few days and then back he goes to his own bed.

My DD (6) is a mum A-type child (though DH does her bedtime). And when I had shoulder surgery and couldn't be B as I couldn't lie on my side (and worked away for 3 nights a week for a year), DS coped with A too. B is mine and DS' preference when I'm home and able though.

I've always been Mum A unless they are ill or having a nightmare (very rare) its what they are used to and they have always been brilliant sleepers, chat, book, tuck in, parent goes downstairs worked for us. I often still go up with them at bedtime now they are teenagers, we'll get into our bed (more room than theirs) and have a chat or read, maybe play a card game before they go to their rooms. Apart from when they were newborns we've never stayed till they were asleep unless they were ill or distressed, which has been rare. They've never really slept in our bed either, they come through occasionally if they can't sleep but have always chosen to go back after a cuddle and chat.

Not all A mums have a rigid routine and not all B mums lay for hours in dark I've never used blackout blinds. Mine just fall asleep fine in whatever light or noise. I see so many posts about disruption of sleep from neighbours. That certainly wouldnt fuss mine as they would be with me anyway.

Noise from the neighbours wouldn’t bother mine either (in their own rooms), they sleep like the dead!

That's really good. My sil is a nightmare on holiday constantly shushing everyone from 7pm onwards

Mine were never bothered by noise from outside, didn't need blackout blinds, didn't notice clocks going forward and back. We were always been flexible about the actual time they went to bed but stuck to the routine of book, tuck in, parent leave whatever time it was.

@3in4years.. thank you

Skye yes exactly.

My eldest recently slept through his shelf falling out of the wall, crashing on to the shelf below, his chest of drawers and then the floor, distributing his entire collection of Very Interesting Rocks in the process.

Come to think of it his brother slept through it too. They’re not always easy to get to sleep but they’re bloody brilliant once they’re out.

B if there's a valid reason for it, but would try to work out what the problem is first (eg monsters under the bed - no, feeling sad about something that happened - yes)