Your child asks you to lay with them...

[cjt110]

They are 4.5 years old. Usually self soothe to sleep but ask you to lay with them.

Do you be Mum A who insists they sleep on their own. Child gets upset and you feel like a massive shit for trying to stick to the "rules" that "they" set dow about self settling.

Or

Be Mum B which thinks "fuck what "they" think" and lays with your child with their bedtime music on, soothing them and letting them fall asleep cuddling you?

C. I'd sit down with them and have a cuddle and see if anything particular's bugging them. Then resettle them. We were long term cosleepers so not averse to sharing beds with kids but it wouldn't be my first thought in the situation described.

I'm mum A mainly because whenever I have let the kids in my bed over the last couple of years they have taken hours - literally - to get to sleep, preferring instead to twiddle my hair, poke me in the face, wriggle their feet constantly etc etc which drives me insane and stops us all from sleeping so I'm firm now and we all sleep better for it.

I co-slept with both of them when they were babies and DD2 until she was one so it's beyond me why they are impossible to cuddle to sleep now.

Again. It's OK to be Mum A sometimes.

Mum A's kids are also loved, cherished, comforted and looked after. They just sometimes - for whatever reason - can't lay with them every bedtime until they fall asleep.

Discussions like this are kind of infuriating - parenting is not this binary.

I’d be mum B...because my child rarely if ever asks. If I had a difficult/reluctant sleeper then I’d have be more mum A.

I’m mum A except my kids never get upset. They know how to self soothe and have a rock solid bedtime routine with lot of love and attention. They also get lots of cuddles and affirmation in the daytime. This thread has lots of judgment but it’s actually ok to put your kids to bed and recharge. It makes me a better parent if I get that downtime.

B. Best part of the day.

Again. It's OK to be Mum A sometimes.

Yes - there seems to be this assumption that those who are Mum A do it because 'the roolz told them to'. As if they're not actually intelligent or empathetic enough to understand what their children need, and balance it with what else is going on in their lives. As if everyone has one child per adult in their household every evening.

I don't care
If it takes 2 hours to get you to sleep.

What a privilege that you want to spend them with me. My impossibly beautiful boy.
I don't care
If I can't go out at night.
I'd prefer to hold you tight against me
And savour the silky softness of your baby temples.
Though I no longer run or swim or sing
Except the nursery rhymes and hymns that make you smile,
I don't mind.
It's not for long.
It's not important that my clothes don't fit. They will, in time.
Oh babies of mine
I am so so grateful for you.
My wonderful gorgeous two.
I love you I love you I love you.
You make life busy and full, sleep sacred.

Fun and freedom every day.
I didn't know it would be this way.
So good.

Happily still doing B with my 8 and 10yr old.

I've been both. Depending on child's sitch and sometimes on mine.
I know them well enough to know wh3n they need it and when they want it. Not to say they don't get it just when they need it either. Sometimes it's just nice to do. But , when it becomes a "not going to sleep because I'm Being a nuisance" there's a line. They know I love them. And they know I'll cuddle forever more but sometimes, I have to draw a line.

B

Again. It's OK to be Mum A sometimes

Yes - there seems to be this assumption that those who are Mum A do it because the roolz told them to

TBF, most people aren't really reading the OP properly. She said if your child "usually self soothes to sleep but ask you to lay with them", implying this is an irregular thing. So really the question is if you're an A, do you sometimes do B if your child needs you, for some reason. I can't imagine anyone would say no to that.

A sometimes and B sometimes. And I don’t have to feel like a massive shit like you assume I do because my child is well loved and cuddled all day long and given a big hug but clear ‘mummy has jobs to do but loves you and will pop back in in 10mins to check on you’. So when I do B, they are very happy but don’t expect it and I’m free to decide which I do when.

Oh and I won’t apologise for the ‘jobs I need to do’ being eating a biccie and drinking a cup of tea while watching a show I was looking forward to.

When DS was very little I was A (to be fair he never really asked anyway) he's now older and can talk to me properly / understand so when he very occasionally asks me to lay with him, I do. But I always say "just for 5 mins", he has a clock so he knows what the numbers mean.

Surely being mum B actually gives you more freedom?

Mum A's child acts up for quite some time, mum B's child quickly falls asleep and mum B can have a glass of

I'm 75% mum A, 25% mum B.

When DS1 was 3 I was stuck being mum B every night which is really bloody difficult when you have to finish a work presentation or meet a deadline.

Now they get kisses, cuddles, singing and then that's it, lights out.

My kids get plenty of love and affection and if they're distressed or have a nightmare then I'm there in a flash.

But I don't have the time nor the inclination to lie down with them until they fall asleep.

Mum B without a doubt

God, I hate these discussions. Basically the only two options are lovely, warm, empathetic mummy or cold, selfish, unfeeling bitch. Why do women do this to ourselves?

I’m both, to be honest. At the moment I’m A at bedtime (because it’s ok to want to have a bit of time to yourself after constant demands all day) but B in the night. AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH EITHER.

Surely being mum B actually gives you more freedom?

Mum A's child acts up for quite some time, mum B's child quickly falls asleep and mum B can have a glass of wine

Not in our house, no. When I’m mum A my children respond well to the boundaries and settle. When I’m mum B they lie next to me asking for more stories, more cuddles, they play with my hair, they ask me 20 times what we’re doing tomorrow, they won’t settle to sleep as they keep checking I’m still there, and then they ask again the next night and the next.

Who’d have thought, all children are different?

Thanks for all your replies.

I asked also because I wonder if I need to change my approach. I am usually Mum A. Back and forth. Getting more and more frustrated at the excuses and the ways to delay sleep. Its exhausting. And tiring night on night.

Last night I went to do the usual thing and he burst into tears and DH said to me I have been snappy and aggressive the last few days towards DS.

Really made me want a rethink.

So whilst DH went to the shop, I lay with DS who talked a little. Told me he loved me. That i was kind and how my breath tickled his neck when we snuggled tight.

And he fell asleep. No drama.

Maybe I need to get my shit together and be more Mum B.

I think I’m Mum C. Whatever- and I mean whatever, anything short of valium- that makes life easiest and calmest and nicest. That keeps stressy vibes out of the house. That gets the most sleep/happiness/ whatever for the most people, and makes sure as many people as possible get their needs met. Including mine.

3in4 what an unbearably smug ditty.

Bertand good post.

B with a sad 14 year old this morning, though he did shuffle off to watch telly rather than drift off to sleep. Everyone needs a cuddle now and then.

Mum B and I don't regret it one bit. Like yours, they usually self settled to sleep so if they asked for me to lay down with them there was usually a good reason they needed it. They are adults now and I don't regret those few times they needed that extra reassurance one bit.