Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions?

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Hello - this is the advice clinic, please come in. We are a team of untrained but experienced kindly Agony Aunts. There's no judgement here, even if you are a filthy, drunken old slag.

Could they be drugged for long enough to offload them? Handover in motorway services so they can't return them.

Are they of any use, these twins? Could we tie ploughs to them? A yoke?

Look! The cats are revolting!

Oh don't be mean, they look quite cute to me

(Can't remember which king it was whose sons were all revolting!)

I think the algorithm just heard me hissing at lidocat to stop him attacking a pile of books.

Oh it was Henry II whose sons were all revolting, just looked it up. Let's hope the twins don't.

No no lido you're doing it all wrong, it's the cat who is supposed to do the hissing. And don't let me catch you licking your paws.

It's the most effective way to stop him if I can't be bothered to get up. You have to communicate in a way they understand.

Sing lullaby nighttime meows to each other now book crisis averted.

Oh gosh I'm sleepy, time for bed.

This thread is nearly at 1000!

Thigh mebbe if you want your plough to go in two different directions at the same time. I wouldn't get them involved with agriculture myself. They might be good for siccing on cold callers?

He's fighting a bag now. I'm OK with that.

Henry II or your cat?

If DT is not a hospital psychiatrist we're all fucked, not in a good way. I've chosen to believe she is and have been looking for proof. I'm forced to believe the proof isn't there because she isn't one.

We desperately need a fully trained psychiatrist in our advice clinic. One of us will have to go to university for the next 10 years and become one. It's our only hope. So who's it going to be?

Bagsy not me, you seem bright TL.

Proj It would be FUN if it was on tv and someone edited it down into an exciting but ultimately heart warming hour rather than the 4 fucking years it's lasted so far.

Johnny Throw away all the toys, claim you are now a minimalist zero waste zero plastic mindfulness household. Give them a wooden spoon and some string at most. Turf them out into the garden in all weathers with nothing but dirt and a metal watering can for company. Everyone who reads your blog (you must start a blog) will comment how wonderful and brave you are. Until SS finally engage due to the constant phone calls from friends and neighbours.

Bit fucking young for a contraceptive sponge, little slag. Look at her laughing her plaits off.

For advice purposes or sectioning purposes?

As ever TL you get to the crux of the matter. Both obvs! We've got a new thread coming up and we really ought to have a bona fide medical professional.

Mightn't it muddy the waters? I quite like our bold claim of being totally unqualified, which somehow still fails to deter the occasional distressed person. Plus the rather odd poster the other day who had somehow learned to use mumsnet but hadn't mastered google or pregnancy tests.

What about if we invent a shadowy third person character to be our resident psychiatrist? We could give them a name. Dr Femur?

My neighbours shout through the walls and make snide remarks when I am using my phone. This makes me feel violated in my own home. I have also asked them not to slam the front door as so doing reminds me of my violent ex-this led to a patronising note through my door referring to my "troubled past", a past most women I know share, and the door slamming has continued. Sometimes it is so loud I jump. It means I can never go to bed early or have a rest during the day. They want no contact with me-this was the result of me complaining to the police about them-however they seem to think it ok to join my private phone calls and sneer at me when I am in my garden. I am fine with the no contact as I don't wish to know people who think it ok to treat their neighbour who lives alone as they do. I rarely use my phone and garden because of this. I like to keep myself to myself. The man of the family has also knocked on my door after dark in an angry mood when I phoned their letting agency about their noise and put several notes through my door which veer onto the personal which is nothing to do with him. The way they have impacted on my phone and garden use makes me feel horrible, especially as they are things I used to take for granted. I get comments made on subsequent mentions of things on the phone to, thing that are none of their business. I was sorting out some insurance for a trip recently and he said through the party wall "I bet you haven't told them you are a nut". This really upset me with all the work I have put into improving myself plus it was several days before I felt comfortable phoning someone to discuss this as I wait till I am certain they are out. I've been raped and my dad committed suicide and I feel unable to make calls to the relevant helplines about these things, or sit in the garden or even have my back door open if they are around on a hot day, or just generally porter around the garden. They let their kids climb a tree next to the party fence, this when they want no contact. It is as if they matter and I don't. I have felt suicidal about all this however I have a son and grandson and I need to keep going for the. I know what suicide leaves behind re my dad. I don't use my phone to talk about this as they would just laugh and make snide remarks if they were to overhear.

Hi earsey - can you ignore them entirely? I find pretending that people who annoy me don’t exist tremendously satisfying.

This is a joky thread, but if you head over to the relationships board, they have lots of experience with dealing with difficult relationships. It sounds to me like making the calls you need to is more important than what these people think

I am very depressed about the issue with next door and don't want to give them a good laugh by phoning someone to talk about it. I feel like being bullied through the walls. I have no friends which I do not want them to know. People ask for and give me their number however I am very reluctant to phone anyone or receive calls because I cannot talk freely over the phone and I find this frustrating. I feel horribly violated in my own home. Someone described it as abuse. I also worry about making card payments and arranging doing things that take me away and out as they seem to be horrible people. It is all private stuff that is nothing to do with them. The woman has shouted through the party wall "why do you have to tell us such horrible things xxxxxx" the last word being my name so she was talking to me. I wasn't talking to her but to rape crisis and the reason I talk to them is because it is horrible and they are trained to deal with it and get support. One should be able to phone a helpline like rpe crisis in the privacy of your own home. I also don't want them to know such things about me

Hope your innards are OK today Thigh . A nation waits.

What a horrible situation, earsey.Are you privately renting? Although you shouldn't have to move, you might feel better living somewhere else? Are there any places in the house that don't share a wall with them, even if it's the hallway, where you could do your private calls? Or for the planned ones, even a very quiet corner of a local park.

When people ask for you number as part of friendships, mostly they would probably want to text you, I would have thought? That's how it works for me for friends who are in the local area.