Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions?

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Hello - this is the advice clinic, please come in. We are a team of untrained but experienced kindly Agony Aunts. There's no judgement here, even if you are a filthy, drunken old slag.

Is one of you in Surrey? Congratulations on your food recycling.

This sounds like a very very very serious problem. Proj is homeless but, and she'd be the first to understand, none of us can have her to stay.

In order to help out I will adopt the Dark Lord in Training.

Hurrah for TTTCat return.

Proj that sounds ideal, simply bid more cash than the developers, ideally a stupidly high amount that doesn't reflect the amount of work it needs, and you'll be well in. Just don't ask me how I know stiff upper lip wobbles slightly

We just had a load of rain here and some thunder that sounded like someone putting their bins out. When is summer going to arrive? I want to float about in flip flops and impractical age inappropriate dresses.

I know, dammit preggo - its muu muu season, where’s the sun?

Are you a mental house project person too then? Is it FUN? I think it sounds like FUN.

Actually thigh if you adopt the dark lord that sorts the schooling issue. He’ll def get an education in all the things I care about - petty crime, joyful murder, misanthropy. I’ll send him over right now. Maybe lock up your jewellery first.

I have a spare wheelie bin if Proj wants it? Sure the family will all fit in #housingsolutions

Proj I have got a shed in my garden you can live in.

You want to talk about skewed boundaries.... my mum lived in that shed for 6 months. With two large dogs. She put up curtains in it.

I mean to say, curtains

Anyhow today has been a bit of a pisser. One of the twins learnt to reverse into the shrubbery in the back garden and sat there laughing at me as I tried to get him out.

Both of the twins preferred Shreddies to the lovingly prepared meal I had made, and let me and everyone within a five mile radius know about it.

Then during bedtime their 4yo big sister had a massive toileting accident mostly involving liquid shit.

My house is in a state that would get social services here on a lubed up rocket if only they knew, but I've decided to spend the evening drinking and ignoring the soup of plastic dinosaurs, xylophones, and broken puzzle pieces which serve for a carpet.

weeps

Oh no, for this sort of emergency we need counsellor thigh. Sit tight and imbibe until she turns up for duty.

@thighofrelief101

Thanks Frowny

In the meantime, I have a secret ungodly yearning to look at lido's foxhole.

The counsellors prefer it if you're promiscuous about foxholes, go right ahead. @thislido is very obliging

It is very alluring, Johnny. Rag sent her children to live with my foxes, and then they ran away and joined the fair. Do you want to send yours over? My gloomy neighbour likes to take food out for the foxes, so the children can scavenge from that. Plus the bins.

Actually Proj, if you need to live in a bin, we have the massive communal ones.

No point picking all the shit up off the floor, it will only end up back there. Have you got some protective boots to protect your feet?

Is it FUN?

No.

Johnny what is the "lovingly prepared meal" shit? Didn't you learn after the first one? Just leave cereal packets out. It's all fortified, mainly with sugar. Don't bother with milk, less mess.

Johnny why are you avoiding SS? You have 3 children under 4, you're clearly a lunatic. Apparently if a house is a right shit state SS clean it for you.

Proj wasn't planning of sending him to school, I was going to train him myself. He can call me Mrs Baylock and we'll dress the dogs as hellhounds.

Johnny - Just sweep toys and shit to the side of the room with a large broom or better still under the sofa and you have a lovely tidy space.

These are all top ideas and I am making notes busily whilst lolling in my recliner and scratching myself.

I didn't actually mean to have 3 children tbf. As aforesaid, they just sort of popped out unexpectedly. It's the main reason I never shave - I'm a bit scared there may be more of them hiding in there.

As for SS I live in an area divided between Naice Villages and areas suffering from Rural Poverty. SS mostly only interested if more than 65% of the family is doing meths and/or you have a conviction for cowfucking.

The toddler twins only count for 40% of us so I'm low priority, I fear.

I've never been sexually attracted to cattle but I really have shagged a lot of dogs and pigs to balance that.

Johnny were the twins the result of a surrogacy but they left you in the lurch? It could happen so don't try that as a money making scheme.

Best get started on the meth then?

People like twins, though, they must be easily sellable?

Have you taken measures to prevent any more children happening?

@thislido I think she's more interested in your foxhole than more children

Frownette exactly! My contraceptive methods mostly involve having a 16mo between us all night, every night. He is a bit like a duenna from pre-Franco Spain except with a dummy and muslin instead of a mantilla.

Lido you haven't met my twins. They are Limbs of Satan.