Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions?

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Hello - this is the advice clinic, please come in. We are a team of untrained but experienced kindly Agony Aunts. There's no judgement here, even if you are a filthy, drunken old slag.

thigh is Parrot a dog? I'm sure I remember a JRT who perched on your shoulder? DD1's JRT (RIP) was usually to be found perched on the top of a chair in the bay window, protecting the household from any and all pedestrians on the street. He saw danger everywhere and imagined himself to be about the size of a Great Dane at least!

BTW thigh don't look at dogs on websites! They've all got Big Sad Eyes.

thigh if we have a uniform for being trolley dollies it will not be a sexy one so slankets it is! Then we will not be objectified by the male gaze.

Ooh project is this nominitive determinism? As, in, you've found a project? That is exciting. Remember not to get a proper survey, make sure you live in a caravan during the renovation, and aim to be in by Christmas.

Also - and this is crucial - don't let "Crying George" Clarke film the renovation. Usually somebody gets ill or bereaved and George sobs on camera.

Frown will you be safe from your mum if you hide in our clinic? Is she very determined?

mrscat you can't stay in paradise forever, come home and get some clap treatment with the others!

project developers are bastards, but they will want a bargain, you may be a more desirable buyer. Fingers crossed!

Caroline that is very kind of you but nothing deters my mother. If she hasn't heard from me in a couple of days she phones the police then I have a 20 sec conversation with a bright eyed police officer doing a welfare check. "Yes I'm fine I just didn't want to answer the phone".

To give you an example of personalities we were broken into as a child by someone high on drugs. I hid in a corner, dad tried to reason with him, and my mother started walloping him with a broom so he fled. I wouldn't unleash my mother anywhere near an internet forum. Anyway this is getting dangerously close to a real advice clinic sesh. I shall leave the county, I shall.

Let's get back to crack cocaine now. Never tried it but there are always firsts...

Wow frown you could hire your mum out as a bouncer! Protective indeed. Maybe compose a series of cheery texts in advance and send them twice a day while you're away? And some cute cat videos....But definitely get away for a bit!!

That's brilliant Caroline In fact on my phone you can compose 'short cut' messages where you save a standard message and then all you have to do is type a two letter code to trigger one of your standard messages to be written!

I think you should type up ten messages for your mum Frown, and send them to her on a rotation. She'll never know.

"Hi mum, weather great. Look forward to getting home though!" "Will you pop round and water my plants?" "Please could you Google doormats for me I need an unusual size" "Slightly gippy tummy now better!" "Saw some cute dogs today" "Saw some adorable kittens today" "Have been shopping, got you a daft present!" "Definitely feeling relaxed here" "Hope you are doing some baking for when I get home!" Etc etc......

Oooh just had a thought, should mum have all your mobile numbers instead? Then you could fend her off.

"Yes Mrs Frown, she's just up a back alleyway with a sailor, shouldn't take long"
"Mrs Frown she's still breathing. All is well"
"Well she does look slightly grubby..."

Well frown it's now clearer why she thinks you might never return, I'm not sure I would.

I definitely didn't tell you I wasn't thober. I think I said three off us were (seems like it's four). you guessed me, and I remained enigmatically silent. I never gave up as such, I just seem to have stopped doing it unless I really fancy one, but it turns out I never really fancy one.

Thigh upload a photo of your keyboard and we will provide technical assistance with @.

Also, why drink anything else when there is TEA?

Proj get the developers' names, we'll kill them just to be on the safe side.

Maybe the high on drugs guy was just coming over for a cup of tea? Your mum sounds like a great protector but her boundaries are a little skewed assuming you're not 10 years old Frown?
Give her my number

"Yes Mrs Frown, she is just trying some crack and then we will be drinking ourselves into oblivion whilst taking a ride on my tractor and throwing shit at people who annoy us. She is fine"

Did Parrot first climb onto your shoulders to escape the interpolater, Sheep?

I smites think lidocat might want a kitten to play with but does also want all my attention all the time, so possibly not.

Thigh is your keyboard in American mode? I have one like that and the @ gets muddled with something else

smites? sometimes.

frown this is why rich people have a butler...."I'll just see if Madam is home".....

I have found out what's wrong with my keyboard, it's thick. It mixes up " and @ - what a twat. Now that I understand it's disorder I'm willing to work with it.

Have you swapped between Windows and Apple? I think they are the opposite ways around.

I rather like the sound of your mum frown. If someone broke into my house I would definitely give them a good brooming.

So the house we went to see has subsidence and project needs a new project. Where the fuck am I going to LIVE?

Oh dear, it looks like Project is going to have to move in with one of us instead of we all move in with her!

Quick! We urgently need a new money making scheme to raise fundz for our mansion!

What about Events Management? I have no idea what it is but I've seen it being referred to as a "career". We could do some festivals!

It sounds like hard work. You can pitch a tent next to my foxhole if you want proj (not a euphemism).