Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions?

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Hello - this is the advice clinic, please come in. We are a team of untrained but experienced kindly Agony Aunts. There's no judgement here, even if you are a filthy, drunken old slag.

Arse update:

The berries have caught up with me, it's an alarming day so far. I almost farted myself to death overnight but I managed to keep most of the stench trapped in my duvet.

Oh what a relief! Thank you Thigh it would be shit in here without your 'supplies'.

Honestly they try but have no clue!

Welcome to aimily and goes ! It is lovely here.

I was a little bit hot when I went to bed so uncovered my arse and pointed at the rotating fan. Luckily before I lost consciousness I realised this had the potential for disaster should I lose control in the night.

dog and mummy , an emotional reunion!

Major farting is only natural surely and maybe we could capitalise on this and launch a hot air ballon enterprise with our collective outputs?

I always thought the shitting was more dangerous! We lose calories that way! Even though my IQ is almost 100 even I cannot solve that conundrum.

I'm checking in from my balmy realm. Thigh, thank goodness you didn't 'follow through'.

I've had 2 big shits so far and about to tuck into porridge and berries so there's doubtless more to come.

Are Tesco trying to kill me with their 3 for 2 offers?

dangly I think you have hit upon the solution to heating our new home! We could have a discreet series of ventilators extracting our natural gases. Why has nobody ever thought of this before? You are a mad genius!!

mrscat lovely to see you!

Cat where are you?! Where's BastardCat? Isn't. "enjoying yourself" on holiday getting exhausting? I hate being forced to enjoy myself in public.

Elizabeth send the lamb leg back to the farm and ask for a live lamb in exchange. Lock your children out of the house and live with the lamb instead.

DT has anyone else realised that all the water has been replaced by rum?

CP I always knew our emissions had a purpose!

I wonder if my car could be adapted to run on warm farts? I'll ask the doctor when he comes around! If so we shall all have our fuel tanks converted and save loads!

Thigh do you think they will let me have another breakfast in here? I like to have three at home! It's nice food but I'm scared of wasting away!

Thigh well they have only noticed that they feel happier since my arrival!

This means they think I am magical! Which of course I am but usually nobody notices!

Thigh do we want a cheeseplant?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3594985-Hello-I-m-Clive-the-cheeseplant?pg=1

DT we can't I'm afraid, my climbing rose would get jealous. In rose news mine has gone into overdrive and is about 20 feet tall. It has completely blocked out the disgusting cheery children from next door. No one can even attempt a lovely greeting to assault me with. I hope the rose grows more thorns.

My rose blocking the playing children

You see the green fabric? That's their fucking play structure looming over my life.

Oh yes of course sorry, I didn't realise Rosey was a climber!

I think she is growing faster due to the time when you had to shit in the garden (for reasons I forget because I never retain any information for very long). I'm glad she has shut out the happy children for you. Maybe she could be a part of the ZA with naked ?

I think I will shit on my rose too when I'm allowed out.

Wow thigh I thought you were being paranoid but people really ARE watching you all the time! Monstrous!!

Good god thigh that thing is an abomination. I’m so sorry we haven’t burned it down yet.

Building all these rooms is exhausting - have you got any crack and sticky toffee pudding going spare dangly?

Where’s lido??

There'll be no cheery children at our new home!

Burning the kitchen down sound the most appealing option but I need to check my insurance Caroline and that would require getting up out of my armchair.

Maybe I could just risk it? I can throw a match into the kitchen from where I'm sat..

project hurrah!

Don't over exert yourself building the rooms. Get some Fuckboys they're strong and cheap.

Elizabeth yes that sounds fine! As regards funding, if you have some preventable misfortune a crowd-funder appeal often comes up trumps!