Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions?

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Hello - this is the advice clinic, please come in. We are a team of untrained but experienced kindly Agony Aunts. There's no judgement here, even if you are a filthy, drunken old slag.

Having just looked at the map of uk votes I may be living in a tiny bubble and the whole fucking country loves him except everyone I know in my bubble!!!

So moving away from politics... is the pube carpet coming out for an adventure any time soon ? I missed the last one.

And I want to live somewhere else so please can I burrow the pube carpet, is it yours DT?

Far far away with lots of mango and sand and sunshine and no fuckwits

Well the thing is with the carpet-of-pube, it has no owner as such, ownership is impossible for such a magical device but if you know about it then you can use it. Because magic!

So TTT since i am on holiday in prison/hospital I think you should summon the pube-moblile yourself and issue instructions to it via the magic that you have in your soul.

You can reach your destination (eventually) as long as you programme the pube-nav correctly, which is where I went wrong. Even with my IQ of almost double figures i kept putting the postcode in a digit wrong and picked up the wrong version of Thigh in the sea.

So the moral of the story is, you too can operate the carpet and probably more effectively than me, simply because of my brain.

Oh yes ! Did thigh end up letting the lady with the big boobs stay at hers?

Oh yes ! Did thigh end up letting the lady with the big boobs stay at hers?

I feel excited about my upcoming voyage and will start planning today with a view to setting off tomorrow DT. I feel I may lob some fruit and veg at unsuspecting fuckwits from the carpet as I fly!

Do you know I am not sure?

It was suggested Thigh keep her as a slave for which she would have been grateful when she googled what happened to Jeffrey Dahmer's victims. Once you've read that you'd be very pleased to be a slave instead.

We shall pose this question to Thigh ... so did you keep the big titted lady Thigh or did you release her back into the wild? Also where are her dogs? Are they yours now?

So many questions. I'll never remember the answers!

Oh yes, it'll be a super trip and if you happen to circle past my hospital I'll wave at you knowingly, like when Santa goes by on his sleigh on xmas eve.

Maybe you could drop off a vat of sticky toffee pudding laced with crack and a raspberry pepsi max and another one for later? Oh and a bacon and egg sandwich with red sauce and another dinner as well (you choose that one, but not octopus tentacles please and thank you!)

I also don't want this dinner!

And i don't like these either!

Not a fan of worm stew!

topiary there are too many fuckwits and not enough fruit in this country! Good luck with the pubeship, if you see BoJo smack him with a watermelon. Take a multipack of biros (charmingly auto corrected to "a multitask of birds") and a crossbow to fit.

dangly your plan is sound. Wear a massive strap-on and people will kowtow to your every demand. Wear some pocket protectors in case your biro leaks onto your white coat.

Sorry to be so picky but no fried grasshoppers for me. I'll take a raincheck.

Oh yes CP i forgot we needed those! White is a bitch to keep clean! I've already had to dab off some sticky toffee pudding/crack dribble.

Do you think that people would afford us the same respect if we just wear 'nicotine/piss yellow' coats instead? Maybe in the form of slanket?

Sorry to press home a point but ... Nope!

The big titted doppelganger strapped her dogs to her back and pissed off. I offered to drill her brain but she told me to get fucked, bit me, threw me a fiver and rode off on a lion. She was weird and aggressive but I really liked her.

I wonder who she was, she seemed so like me didn't she Dangles?

You don't need to eat any of that shit DT I'm smuggling you 2 tubes of Pringles in my fanny. There's also a week's worth of bacon and egg sandwiches under my tits so that's you sorted.

Ah - the Ian cull - yet more evidence that all Ians are very shit. Can anyone think of a single one that deserves to live?

OK - Ian Dury and Curtis were cool - but dead now therefore escape the cull.

If only I had a robot lawnmower - sigh - I'd be happy then.

Oh lovely Thigh I think all of your smuggling is the reason I am enjoying my stay so much! I do appreciate it and am on a fasttrack to gaining 5 stone in your honour!

On the topic of Ian's does it matter when they spell their names Iain? Is that super-wankey or better?

We can biro them all to death unless they pay us not to of course (via regular direct debit) ! In fact that could be our new scheme! How much is it to not kill someone? Sounds like it could be worth a bob or two!

It's shame the lady rode away Thigh she might have been your twin! Did you have a twin that you didn't notice as a child?

Remember when we did this Thigh ?

• Ians, not Ian's unless he's got one!

DT re twins, well you know how attention seeking and pathologically jealous and demanding I am. If I'd had a twin I think I would have absorbed them like twin to twin transfusion. Or be Siamese all at once? I really wouldn't rule out being two twins and no one told me. It could explain the tits, cock and fanny.