Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I don't like my child

326 replies

passmeanother · 18/05/2019 15:17

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

OP posts:
RubberTreePlant · 18/05/2019 15:19

Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

You already know.

You need to find ways to relieve the pressure, if possible.

Did you run the calculation for part time work?

madcatladyforever · 18/05/2019 15:27

I've been in this situation work wise as a single parent. If you would be better off on benefits then go onto benefits. It is utterly pointless struggling g like this.
Take a few years off, take time for you both. Work can wait. This will pass.

Original poster
passmeanother · 18/05/2019 15:28

I've tried that. After childcare and dog walking fees (yep, got left with the dog as well), I've calculated that I actually have around £5000 a year to live on. I've got some savings from when my dad died but they are fast disappearing.

I just don't know what to do. A job opportunity (Part time) came up recently that would have been fab, but logistically it just didn't work. She is only 18 months old. And I hate that I am so crap. And I can't give her the attention she needs. I have been out three times in the evening since I've had her. My friends don't get it.

I feel so fucking alone. And I can't even pull my finger out and take her to her swimming lesson. I am on anti-depressants, I am on thin ice as it is with work, I've had counselling for ptsd after her father's actions. I just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Singlenotsingle · 18/05/2019 15:30

You can't blame the DD. None of this is her fault. It'll get better as she gets older and then you'll be glad you've got her. Leave work if you feel it's all too much for you. (Then you'll be bored). Why not see if you can get a part time job?

CallMeRachel · 18/05/2019 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cottonwoolmouth · 18/05/2019 15:31

Unless your going to financially damage your career, go on benefits.

My youngest still has a dummy. I’m too tired to battle it out and take it off her.

Stay away from your mum

Your not a shit mum - just tired and pissed off. I’ve been where you are.

It honestly will pass Flowers

looondonn · 18/05/2019 15:32

Think in many ways this is normal after what you have been through

I have been through very similar and with a bit of luck the scum will be off to jail soon

I strongly suggest psychotherapy
This poor innocent child it is not her fault
She has done nothing wrong

ALSO
Go easy on yourself
Sounds like you have done so well in many ways
Please go to Womans aid and get as much professional help as possible otherwise sadly you will both suffer

Thinking of you and your lovely girl 

Original poster
passmeanother · 18/05/2019 15:34

I know it's not her fault. I know. I love her to pieces, I really do. And I try my best. But I just can't help thinking that life would be a hell of a lot easier if I hadn't fallen for an utter twat and had her... keep thinking she would be better off somewhere else with a mummy who isn't run ragged all the time, and can give her the time and attention she deserves.

OP posts:
firsttimebabybirther · 18/05/2019 15:36

I don't think the above posters are actually reading what you're saying.

It sounds shit OP I won't lie, I haven't been in your situation but I don't think you're awful. Have you reached out for support ? HV ? GP? Got anyone around you at all?

You know you don't hate your DD and the very fact you feel crap tells you this. Have you considered not working ? How would that work? What about part time? Is there anyway it would work out or not at all?

Do you ever get the chance to get out much with her to mingle with other mums or does that sound like hell to you?

Sorry things are shit Thanks

elsabadogigante · 18/05/2019 15:36

Unless your going to financially damage your career, go on benefits.

In an era of Universal Credit and fewer and fewer private landlords taking tenants on UC, this is VERY bad advice. All new claims are UC, it's really not set up for anything other than parents working FT.

Original poster
passmeanother · 18/05/2019 15:36

Thanks for the advice. Thing is I could probably do with some sort of therapy. Except I haven't got the time. She's at nursery 7-5 as it is and even that's a struggle trying to get her there, race to work and then get back to pick her up.

It's just not fair.

OP posts:
Cottonwoolmouth · 18/05/2019 15:36

Why are you taking her to swimming lessons at her age?

I bet they are expensive, it could be cheaper to just take her to the pool with toys when your both awake and ready and it’s not so tying to a specific time.

I raised dd1 by myself till she was 15. It’s tough going. But honestly when she starts getting past 2 it will start to get easier

Nonotmenori · 18/05/2019 15:36

Hi OP, I know exactly how you feel. It gets easier the older she gets. If you're better off on benefits then go on them. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Cottonwoolmouth · 18/05/2019 15:38

pass can you not drop to part time? My cousin was very down when she gave up work for s bit and she got worse tbh and she had lots of time to dwell.

It might be financially easier to drop to part time and get your wages topped up by benefits. Also don’t they get some free child care at 2 years?

HollowTalk · 18/05/2019 15:41

I would drop to 16 hours and claim benefits, then love bomb her. This is such a sad situation and you really need to make life easier for yourself so that you can find the love that's deep inside you for your child.

elsabadogigante · 18/05/2019 15:42

It might be financially easier to drop to part time and get your wages topped up by benefits. Also don’t they get some free child care at 2 years?

No, it really is not now. The old tax credits are gone. It is UC. And no, you don't get 'free childcare', you get assistance with childcare. If you are renting from a private landlord, that landlord may not take tenants on UC and it may be difficult to catastrophic to find one who does.

SleepWarrior · 18/05/2019 15:42

This is fixable. Your relationship with your daughter can be redeemed and become something that you cherish and get up for in the morning.

You need to start by forgiving yourself for feeling like this. The situation is hard. The things you've come through have been traumatic. You wouldn't judge anyone else as harshly as you are judging yourself so find a little bit of kindness for yourself. Acknowledge the stress that you are under has burned you out and is shaping your feelings.

Cottonwoolmouth · 18/05/2019 15:42

I would drop to 16 hours and claim benefits, then love bomb her

Agreed!

Fairylea · 18/05/2019 15:42

I felt exactly like this when my dd was little - she is now 16 and we have a great relationship and are very close so I promise it does get better!

Excuse my pop psychology but I wonder if the crap from your relationship is making you feel unable to bond with your dd - I know this was part of it for me. I was so angry and resentful about everything I saw her as part of that time in my life and part of that relationship rather than a separate being in her own right... once I was able to separate the two things in my head it became easier.

Also, 18 months is a really shit age. I’m sorry but it really is. They’re little and demanding and it’s exhausting and you don’t get a lot back from them! As they become older it does become so much better.

There are no easy answers to this but all I can tell you is this too shall pass. And if you don’t take her swimming sometimes the world won’t end! It’s fine to have quieter, lazier days.

Original poster
passmeanother · 18/05/2019 15:43

First thank you. My mum friends don't get it as they all have partners. I can't go part time as I would be even worse off than I am at the moment.

I just don't feel like a proper human anymore. My life revolves around her. But when I get her home, I am literally counting the minutes til I can get her to bed.

At work I hold it together and have a lot of responsibility. But no- one understands when I say that I have no-one to help. No-one. It's just me and her.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 18/05/2019 15:44

Life is hard. Feeling sorry for yourself is not the answer. She won’t always be this age and things will get easier. At the end of the day you chose to have a baby and she’s here now and needs you.

Would your friends have her for a few hours once a month while you had some time to yourself?

Original poster
passmeanother · 18/05/2019 15:46

Yes swimming lessons are expensive and I should probably cut them out. But she loves it so much. Which makes it even worse that I haven't even been able to take her today. She's still asleep. I haven't even got dressed today. I just feel so worthless and so fucking helpless.

OP posts:
Original poster
passmeanother · 18/05/2019 15:48

That's the thing. My friends have sort of disappeared since things kicked off... or have their own kids, or are pregnant, or just don't get it. And part of me feels too proud to ask for help.

But at the same time, I cannot think of a single person who I could call this afternoon to watch her. That's depressing enough on its own.

OP posts:
Preggosaurus9 · 18/05/2019 15:49

If she is napping why would any parent wake her up unless it was an actual emergency?!

Agree with pp, bin off the swimming lessons if they're causing extra stress. Just splash about in the pool with her when you are both in the mood. Unless you're using the lessons to have some time to yourself in which case carry on!

Does your leisure centre have a creche that does drop in sessions? You could grab a coffee for an hour for example.

Stop being so hard on yourself, think of all the good things you are providing. DD is fed and watered, has a roof over her head, is safe from DV, good childcare etc. You are not doing half bad.

elsabadogigante · 18/05/2019 15:49

You sound depressed. I'd get help for that way before dropping hours to go on Universal Credit (where you'll be expected to work at least 25 hours/week once your child is 5 anyway). There's no more tax credits and income support and teh number of LLs taking tenants on UC is not good.