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Original poster

I don't like my child

326 replies

passmeanother · 18/05/2019 15:17

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

OP posts:
MyYe · 18/05/2019 16:07

@TacoLover The ex is the fuckwit not the poster who asked about the dog.

squee123 · 18/05/2019 16:07

have a search for lone parent support groups in your area. Actively search out people in the same position who get where you're coming from. My sister in law did this and made some great friends who became each other's support groups. She and one friend in particular used to alternate looking after both kids one afternoon a week so that they each had some time to themselves.

GhostIsAGoodBoi · 18/05/2019 16:08

OP Flowers It gets better.

My youngest DD is from an abusive marriage to a complete cunt who walked away without a second glance, leaving me with PTSD, tonnes of debt, and raging PND.

I fucking hated him, I resented that I was stuck on benefits with no way to change my life, I resented that he could abandon her without any backlash whereas if I did that I would get slaughtered.

She didn’t sleep, cried constantly if she wasn’t touching me, this went on till she was 2. With 2 older DC to look after to, I felt like he’d also ruined their lives by abandoning her because I was so busy and knackered and I couldn’t give them any time either. Zero family support and zero friends either as he’d made sure I had none.

First of all - go back to your GP, get your dose upped, get some therapy.

Next, see if you can afford to drop to 16 hours, then see about it at work.

You need to go easier on yourself, this is hard work. You don’t resent her, you resent the situation you’ve been left in, and I think that’s entirely normal.

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Villanellesproudmum · 18/05/2019 16:08

Watch BBC programme MUM, she has the sarcastic nod and smile down perfectly well.

TacoLover · 18/05/2019 16:10

@TacoLover The ex is the fuckwit not the poster who asked about the dog.

Ah sorry OP! My mistakeBlush

Original poster
passmeanother · 18/05/2019 16:11

Thank you all for your advice. I am currently sitting on the stairs crying my eyes out. I just feel so shit. So so so shit. We should be st swimming now. And I am depriving her of that. I should wake her up, but I don't want to.

I just don't want to be me anymore

OP posts:
SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 18/05/2019 16:11

In the nicest possible way you've got to deal with the cards you've been dealt and try not to self pity and I know that's hard when you feel like shit.Your dd us totally blameless in all this,you dont want her picking up on the fact you resent her it could damage her as she gets older Flowers

GhostIsAGoodBoi · 18/05/2019 16:12

Also - I did change my life. I went to college, and I’m at Uni. He’s still doing the same old, same old, sad little life, from the bits and bobs I hear from time to time.

DD is doing great. She’s amazing. People comment on how much she looks like her Dad. Yes, I’m aware she does. But she’s not him. There’s not even a glimmer of him in her. I look at her and I see her, IYSWIM?!

My life is still a total fucking grind, I’m still in therapy and I’m still upto my eyeballs in medication but I am in a much better place than I was before. I wouldn’t have what I have now if he’d been around.

I also was given permission to change her surname, which came as a total surprise to me.

Original poster
passmeanother · 18/05/2019 16:13

I've tried not to let my feelings get to her. I try and play with her and I take her to the park and so on. I know the way I feel could be damaging for her, and that's why I want to try and avoid it

OP posts:
Alb1 · 18/05/2019 16:14

If you went part time have you accounted for the money you’d save on dog walking in your additional income? I always miss bits like that when doing my monthly should I change my hours debate. I no none pet people don’t usually understand, my in laws regularly suggest I ditch my cats, but I completely understand why wouldn’t get rid of your dog.

Sorry things are so tough for you right now OP, but you are doing a great job, holding down a job, having escaped an abusive man, raising a lovely little girl. She won’t care about missing swimming, kids love lazy days. Try to cut yourself some slack Flowers

GhostIsAGoodBoi · 18/05/2019 16:15

@passmeanother I spent a lot of time sobbing whilst DD slept. I really did. I felt like the worst mother in the world, like a monster. But I wasn’t, and you’re not. And I’m saying this because I am 3 years past where you are now, and I know you think I’m talking shit but I promise you, I’m not.

Screw swimming. When she wakes up, love bomb the fuck out of her all evening.

Original poster
passmeanother · 18/05/2019 16:15

Ghost that's great. Can I ask what you did when you changed her surname? It's proving extremely difficult as I have a court order, but lots of people eg the gp, the bank etc want a deed poll. All this shit is expensive as well...

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 18/05/2019 16:16

I don’t think you should re-home the dog. Expensive as he is, I can imagine you get a lot back from him. Animals are very therapeutic. In your situation, the dog would be the last thing I’d get rid of. And I say that as someone not very keen on dogs!

Have you heard of Borrow My Doggy? It’s a scheme where people who like dogs but who can’t commit to taking one on full time look after other people’s dogs for them on an ad hoc or regular basis. Might save you a few quiz.

Pizzaaddict · 18/05/2019 16:17

Are you sure you would be worse off if you went part time? Have you done the benefits calculators? Because in my experience working part time and claiming benefits or full time and claiming less benefits seems to work out roughly the same.

clairemcnam · 18/05/2019 16:17

You need something in your life just for you. I would contact Home Start and see if they have a volunteer that can visit and help. Does the local leisure centre have a creche so you could go for a swim, or even just sit and have a coffee?
Also don't worry about not being dressed. It really does not matter.
And I understand how you feel about your dog.

Villanellesproudmum · 18/05/2019 16:17

Self pity away, it does no harm every now and then, it’s only if it’s most of the time you might need some help.

Re swimming, she has no idea of the day of the week, no idea of the time, no idea she should be at swimming, no damage done.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/05/2019 16:18

You're not crap, but you're struggling, as most of us would working full-time, with a a baby and no family support.
It's normal not to wake the baby from a nap, it doesn't make you a terrible mother, its the sensible choice! And she doesn't need swimming lessons at that age, only take her if you enjoy it. It would be cheaper just to take her swimming when you feel like it, and if you don't feel like it don't take her.
Don't worry about her speech, lots of children don't talk till 2 or later. If a dummy works for you both, and it means she sleeps better, then its fine. Personally I don't like them, but my children didn't talk better or earlier than other kids I know who did have them.
It sounds as if not only are you traumatized, but you are trying to hold yourself to ridiculously high standards of what a mother should be. And then feeling guilty because you can't possibly meet those standards.
Its ok to have days at home, you probably need them after working all week. Its nice for you both to get out into the fresh air, but a little walk to a park or the woods or the shops if that's what you prefer is fine.
If you can get together with other parents of similar aged children, in a low key, cuppa after the park kinda thing, it might help you relax a bit, or like another poster suggested, maybe somewhere with a creche, maybe a gym, so that you can get a bit of exercise and time to yourself. That's not wrong or selfish, you'll be able to parent your dd better if you've had a chance to recharge .
You only need to be good enough, not perfect.

GhostIsAGoodBoi · 18/05/2019 16:19

I got a Free Deed Poll online after court, downloaded it, had it printed on nice paper (cost me £10 - I got 20 for her and 10 for me, I changed our surnames to something totally different), HMRC, GP, bank etc all accepted these, but they do need signing by two witnesses.

www.freedeedpoll.org.uk/

Original poster
passmeanother · 18/05/2019 16:20

I've tried borrow my doggy. It's bloody expensive and there is no guarantee. As I said, my friend walks her and charges me mates rates (still £15 a day) and then there is childcare which is £75 a day... so you can see how I am losing money...

But what choice do I have? I've also got some health issues that have cropped up since having her, which mean more time off work, got urgent blood tests and an mri scan next week. So I guess I am lucky I had her when I did.

It's all good and well saying love bomb her when she wakes up... I think I have lost the will and the inclination. I am so fucking tired.

OP posts:
Eloisedublin123 · 18/05/2019 16:20

It will pass. And in the meantime try and get as much sleep as possible. And try and have a little treat from time to time even a shower with nice shower gel or a hot bubble bath or something Xx

Villanellesproudmum · 18/05/2019 16:20

I can recommend one of these holidays singlewithkids.co.uk/ lots of support and you realise you’re not alone.

GhostIsAGoodBoi · 18/05/2019 16:20

And honestly, I did nothing with DD for the first 2 years. I did the odd toddler group when I could be arsed but I was exhausted and couldn’t bring myself to go to them, let alone the effort of swimming. My elder 2 did several groups a week plus swimming as babies/toddlers, and I felt a lot of guilt about but DD seems fine so far Wink

GhostIsAGoodBoi · 18/05/2019 16:21

@passmeanother will she watch a Disney film (or two?) I used to quietly sit with DD on days like this and use the TV Blush

Villanellesproudmum · 18/05/2019 16:22

Kids TV, snacks and both duvet time.

Villanellesproudmum · 18/05/2019 16:23

Cross post with @Ghost, see it’ll do no harm!