I don't like my child

[passmeanother]

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

How old is she? If she’s small enough to still be napping I assume she’s still very little. No idea what the situation re:adoption is but might be worth contacting SS. If you stress that you really don’t like her they may well decide she’s better off in care with the opportunity to be adopted by someone who will live and appreciate her. She may not realise yet that you don’t want her but one day she will and it’ll break her heart.

I’d ring SS.

I do drive. Kitty but some arsehole drove into my car yesterday afternoon. And I know it sounds stupid, but it has set off my anxiety. He literally watched me get into my car (dd was at nursery, I stopped off to get her some milk), and drove straight into my car. And then drove off. Just another thing to add to the shit pit that is my life.

Op, ok it's clear you're not coping. I would advocate calling social services and talking to them about how you're feeling and the support you could get. I'm not sure you can solve this youtself and need some help

@Parvuli Unhelpful and unnecessary. Have you even read the the OP's posts?

I would -

• leave her while she is chattering happily away to herself
• when she is obviously fed up with this, put her in the bath with lots of bubble bath and toys and let her play while you sit on the toilet seat talking to her
• Get her out, dry her, put her in pyjamas
• Make some very easy tea for both of you e.g. baked potatoes and beans, cheese on toast, etc.
• Eat together while watching kids TV, or having music on
• Take the dog out for a very slow walk with her. Just drift and go where she wants to
• Bed then story

You are giving her what she needs. Her Mum. Who loves her daughter. (Evidence for this - you manage to cobble the money together for her swimming, because she loves it so much.) Who provides for her daughter. Who works ridiculous hours to provide for her daughter. Who worries that she isn't good enough or doing well enough for her daughter. (Like every mother, pretty much ever. Certainly every good mother ever).

Don't worry about how bad you look. Chuck some clothes on, get out the house. Stop listening to that awful voice inside your brain saying such horrible things about you.

You are good. You are good ENOUGH.

Don’t leave the house if you can’t face it, write today off. I would suggest embracing the fact you’re in your pjs, get out a mat/newspaper and some washable paint, let her paint her feet and yours and make some footprints & get all mucky then have a big bubbly bath together with jugs, let her wash your hair. Then make a ‘pizza’ - get her to squish some tomatoes and pinch some grated cheese onto some toast or a wrap then oven. Then to bed with a story book & you both go to sleep and just sleep as much as you can

Parvuli she is 18 months. What the actual fuck do you think ss are going to do?

OP please don't worry about not being a fun mummy. She will be getting stimulation and fun at nursery. She will be fine with bath, food and bed. She just needs you to look after and care about her.
TBH in the recent past most mummies were not fun mummies, and it was still okay. This is a pretty recent expectation on mums. So don't worry.

SS are not going to do anything. Ignore that poster.

Thanks for all the lovely suggestions for this afternoon, we are going to do bubbles and footprints in a minute.

To all the posters suggesting I call ss??? Did you not read the post where I have clearly stated that I have got a big fat apology from my local cs, after they believed a load of bull crap that my ex fed them... turned out he was lying and I was telling the truth. Obviously

As maybe able to offer you some respite while you deal with your mental health issues.

I'm not sure you are quite there yet Op, but they are there for your daughter as a last resort.

Yes ignore the SS comments. Too many people on MN do not read threads properly and just make stuff up.
You are obviously looking after her fine. If you were not, the nursery would have said something.
And I am amazed that you feel up to doing footprints. In your shoes I would have done something easier.
Please don't be too hard on yourself.

@passmeanother

I’m in the exact same life situation as you. Exact same, on all counts- except, and I mean this kindly, im able to see it’s the situation that’s the problem - not the toddler.
I’m also in therapy and have been since DS was 6 months. He stays late at nursery (until 6) one night a week so I can do it. I have to, as I have ptsd and it keeps me “right”

Other things that helped-

• compressed hours, so I get fridays at home.
• I allow one weekend day for us both to just slob. We watch films, bake, play in the garden... but we don’t always get dressed and we don’t have visitors. Or go anywhere. This is hugely necessary for us both.
• I’ve had to accept that this phase is hard- money is too tight, and I’m racking up debt with nursery fees, but long term it will pay off because am progressing quite quickly in my career.
• I do my best. And I’m good ENOUGH. Sometimes “everyone fed, nobody dead” is enough to be a successful day.

I tell all fellow LPs this on here when they post like this- google “the good enough mother” by Bruce Bettelheim ... and when I see my therapist next week I'll ask her what the optimum percentage was to get “it right” as a mother, to raise a child happily (from their perspective!) - I think it’s something like 60%.. it’s not a high proportion and i find it very very comforting,

And pm me if you need an ear.

Herland SS do not offer respite to struggling single mums.

1. Your daughter is still very small. Things will change when she gets older. Having a toddler isn't a barrel of laughs for people in all sorts of circumstances.

I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent.
2) I don't judge single parents. I'm sure people think I'm 'the type of person' who would - whatever that means. But I don't. In fact I am in awe of people who manage it.

I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child
3) Its not all fun being a SAHM. I was delighted when DS went to nursery for my sanity. Being around a child that young isn't always fun if its day in and day out. Sometimes you just want an adult conversation or something which stretches your brain. DS only gets 15 hours a week at nursery, and I feel like he isn't get as much from me as he does at nursery and compared to his peers who are in full time

and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault
4) Don't forget kids with an older sibling are more likely to be ahead speech wise. Once she is a little older, being in nursery full time and being able to talk to other children she will probably catch up and then some because she has that extra social time that one person alone isn't going to be able to provide.

because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.
5) She needs her Mum to be mentally together and physically together. If you need some peace, then do it. There is no shame in it. You seem to be under the mistaken impression that couples, including couples who have one SAHP don't do exactly the same. I think you'll find MOST parents do things like stick the tv on, to give themselves a break.

Whilst your situation might be more difficult than them for various reasons, I think you also need to give yourself a massive break here and realise you are absoluetely NOT failing her, you aren't a shit parent, you don't do things that others in 'better circumstances' don't regularly resort to and that life isn't necessarily 'better' if you are a SAHM.

You are carrying soooo much guilt around with you. That's what strikes me. I think you need to let go of that, and realise that so many people are NOT somehow 'doing it better than you'. Trust me they are not. The face they show to the world often isn't the same as the one when the door closes. And give yourself the credit FOR being a single parent.

I think that its ok to have day(s) where you DO just go fuck it, and you just survive it rather than feeling like you should do x, y or z. At the moment, you aren't doing that - you are thinking constantly about the things you feel you aren't giving her, rather than the things you are giving her.

Let her chatter to herself. Small children are good at entertaining themselves well and very happily. As long as she's safe its fine.

You are feeling guilty because you care. Never underestimate the value of that. Thats how you know you are a good parent tbh. And you certainly DO care and love your daughter. You just hate the situation and the lack of options and control you have over your life right now.

She is awake and toddling about. I should take her to the park, but I can't face leaving the house right now... I look like crap and the effort required is just too much.

I just can't give her what she needs. Which is a fun mummy. I am basically the antithesis of fun.

Stuff that! She doesn't need to go to the park or have fun mummy. What she NEEDS is well mummy who isn't completely exhausted and depressed. You are projecting what YOU think she should have not what she NEEDS.

You ultimately can't be fun mummy if you don't give yourself the time and headspace to say 'its ok to say screw going to the park'. Its Ok to be Tired Mummy today. Or tomorrow. Or on a regular bloody basis. Fun Mummy can be another day when you feel up to being Fun Mummy.

As I say, everything you say is laced with guilt. Focus on what she really NEEDS and don't mistake it for your feelings of inadequacy, because you're not. Really you're not.

Herland what do you suggest??? I call children's Services and tell them I am a bit pissed off with my shit situation. And they will take my child off my hands for a week or so and then plonk her back into my life?

No specific advice for your situation as I haven't been there but I do know a lot of mums and I can't think of one who is 'fun mummy' all the time or even most of the time. So you are definitely unrealistic in your expectations of yourself. I found 18 months a really tricky time as they're so active and exhausting but you can't really communicate with them yet. The absolute priority is to look after yourself, which you have started to do by reaching out here. Your traumatic experience with your ex must be pretty recent still so you haven't had any opportunity to heal from that, it's no wonder you are struggling.

Are you in an expensive area? Could you relocate somewhere cheaper?
A job transfer ?
Would a childminder be cheaper than nursery?
Could you find one near home?
A childminder would take her to school as well and pick her up for you,if you plan ahead .some childminders only do certain schools.
You can self refer to talking space for some counselling.work might give you time off?
How about booking a couple of days of work ,leaving little one in nursary while you have a think about your future and make some plans ,

I think a lot of young kids do too much. Sitting chattering to herself is good. She is slowly learning to entertain herself. Don't feel you have to swoop in and do an activity with her. If she is happy, leave her be,

OP, get signed off. I know that’s a hard scary step but you’re physically unwell you said, and as a fellow PTSD sufferer who has now recovered - you’re not better yet. You’re in the woods right now, and you NEED to take some time to get well. See your GP, explain you’re totally exhausted and don’t want to live like this anymore and get signed off.

Red thanks. Your post just made me cry. I appreciate what you said

Heed my warning as a SAHM OP, if you are feeling dreadful around your 18 month old now it will be even worse as a SAHM. I love my kids, but being a SAHM is challenging for me to say the least. I've got two under two (11 months apart) and I recognise a lot of what you're saying. It's bloody hard work and often I don't feel like the fun Mum, but on those days I think to myself I'm the Mum who fed them, clothed them and kept them safe and really that's all that matters. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, be kinder to yourself, your daughter needs you to be happy and well. There's no point pining over the past, but you and her are a team and she thinks you are just the best. You are all she needs, and you need to look after yourself and have something outside being "Mum".

So you are definitely unrealistic in your expectations of yourself.

I wholeheartedly agree with that this is your ultimate problem. And I think you have unrealistics impressions of what everyone else is doing too, which doesn't help.

You are comparing yourself with an ideal which doesn't really exist and NO ONE can live up to every, single day of the week.

A few colleagues have said get signed off... but I can't. Sorry if I sound defeatist. J can't lose my job on top of everything else...

For what it's worth, I am a secondary school teacher and a head of department. This is what makes is worse, the fact that I am so focused on work and targets and students, that I have no time for my own child...