I don't like my child

[passmeanother]

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

Glad you’re feeling better today. Sometimes after a good sleep we feel human again and ready to tackle another day. It sounds like you have some nice plans made today, enjoy them and don’t think about the worst outcome. Your daughter might surprise you
It’s easy to dread going places because of a bad experience. I used to do it myself. The thought of going out and trying to handle things used to make me sweat. I’m far more relaxed now, and I always feel better for it when we get home.

I’m not sure why admin chipped in tbh, there wasn’t any indication from me that you were asking for financial help. I think all parents of children in nursery are in the same boat!
I work 3 days and my husband is ft. She’s in nursery 2 1/2 days and I wonder if I’d be better off full time with her in nursery more. We’re constantly skint at the moment. I can’t wait for some relief from 15 or 30 hours free at nursery. I’m in the voucher scheme so a proportion go out of my salary before tax but it’s not enough in my opinion. Not enough is done to help working mothers.. no where near enough is done to help single working mothers in my opinion. No breaks for those who work their socks off
Hope today’s a better day for you x

quite a lot ...

OP huge sympathies to you. It sounds to you like you hugely need a night off once a week or once a fortnight. Is there a possibility of any of the nursery staff coming round for a couple of hrs at 7 so you can go out for a run/swim/gym/wander/course or book group? Or can you develop a good relationship with a local babysitter? I realise when money is tight it’s nearly impossible to find the £20+ for a babysitter.

Might be useful at some point

I'm glad that you are able to get out today, don't worry about her behaviour as such. Just try and be relaxed about it. You seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself. I was also in same situation as you where the Father was truly dreadful, and I was left with baby. But for me I saw her as saving my life. From him. And had I not had her I would not have got up in the morning. This won't last forever it does get easier. I really hope that you have a really nice day. Maybe confide in the friend how you have been feeling they might reach out. Xx

@Jaffacakesandunicorns @BlueJag why comment what you are? In fact why are you even on Mumsnet at all? When someone is at there last straw, they come on here for help and advice. And comments like you and some others have made could be the straw that broke the camels back. Have a bit of compassion. Most mothers at some point in some way have struggled at some point. OP seriously ignore any negativity.

Thanks herland for that link.

And I guess you are right somuch, if I hadn't got her I don't know where I would be. She sort of forces me to keep going if that makes sense, because if I don't, then where would she be?! Sorry you have been in a similar situation.

Thing is I don't think I am very good st asking for help, or admitting I am struggling. And I do feel as though I really don't have anyone at all. Think I mentioned it before, my friends all have their own families or their own stuff going on, and I feel bad asking for someone to babysit or whatever. I also feel a bit as if I am judged for letting myself get into the situation...

Anyway, we've been to the park and now she's in front of the tv whilst I tackle the housework and mountains of washing that have appeared from nowhere, before we head out to lunch...

Also I've not seen the negative comments as it seems they were deleted pretty swiftly. It's sad that some people feel the need to judge, and as for the hysterical cries for me to get her adopted...

I am not a single mum and even i and like many others do struggle. We do being a mum is hard work.

I know others have suggested this too but I really do think and au pair would be a great solution here and worth looking into. You would save the money on the dog walking as au pair could take dog to take with DD most days. I imagine it would be cheaper than full time nursery in london aswell. You would have another pair of hands around when your home too.

I said upthread your mum is a knob! yes i still stand by that. I think you stay contact because you feel she's all you've got? shes not helping your mental health one bit get rid of her shes toxic!

DO NOT GO ON UC that will make your situation 100x worse leaving a HOD post to go on benifits is the worse advice ive ever seen on mumsnet ever!

You've got this as for today DD will pick up if your feeling stressed and anxious I know mine do and act 10x worse. Go have a nice time take colours toys and hell download a few peppa pig on a tablet or phone and a back up pack of quavers and buttons. If she plays up she plays up its not the end of the world and does not reflect on you at all kids are hard work 18 month old toddlers are on another level!

Go have a nice time get a nice glass of wine with dinner and enjoy!

just read your update! LEAVE THE HOUSEWORK sod it do it later when babes is asleep.

I disagree with that. If we only ever did housework when our children were asleep we'd get no down time or sleep!

pass for what reasons is your mum sending those messages? Why does she think that?

Also why would you laugh and joke with your ex about people leaving other new mums?

Jesus Op you've been to the park already. I'm still in my pj's on mn whilst my wee one is on her third episode of Barbie. But that's OK. We work hard and need down time.

Another one here thinking an au pair would resolve some problems. No need for dog walker for a start. Another adult to interact with. You could still use the nursery or cut hours. Have a day or two to yourself in the holidays. Help with light housework and errands. And evening time you could nap/chill if necessary if you feel stressed. Sometimes it's enough just knowing there is someone else to take up the slack and you might find yourself being less overwhelmed. Kudos to you being a full time teacher as well, working in a school brings its own cartload of stresses and responsibilities. Hang on in there.

Cotton I have no idea why she is like she is. This is why I try to keep my distance from her. But as another pp pointed out, she's really all I've got in terms of a practical support network at the moment, and let's face it, she doesn't actually help at all.

Sorry I worded that comment badly, what I was trying to say was that I never in a million years thought I would be in this situation. I remember thinking actually how very dull and quiet my life was (in a good way), just before I had her, I thought I had it all mapped out. But things unravelled extremely quickly and really quite catastrophically and I guess I will never know why. I haven't really had the chance to really think about what happened, let alone process it. Not that I really want to. Counselling did not really help, felt like it was just another person to fill in, and have to recount the latest instalment of my car crash life to.

Anyway, we've been to the park and now she's in front of the tv whilst I tackle the housework and mountains of washing that have appeared from nowhere, before we head out to lunch...

Feels exhausted just thinking about it. Never mind doing it!

Did you generally have a issue with relaxing before having a baby or were you one of those people who has to be 'always doing something' and if you are not you are suddenly feeling anxious that you aren't making the most of your time.

I'm wondering if there's a hint of anxiety as well as depression in there.

Do watch the program on anxiety with Nadia that's on iplayer at the moment.

It's interesting how she had to be doing something constantly or she felt she wasn't good enough nor in control.

It's an incitful program.

Just read your last post pass.

I remember thinking actually how very dull and quiet my life was (in a good way), just before I had her, I thought I had it all mapped out. But things unravelled extremely quickly and really quite catastrophically and I guess I will never know why. I haven't really had the chance to really think about what happened, let alone process it.

Jumping out at me are a sense of sudden loss of control and a sense of possible trauma (which would be entirely understandable given what else you say)

WATCH the Nadia program.

I bet it will ring bells with you.

Imagine what it will be like when she grows up . Try to stay positive , one day this little thing will be asking how you are and dare I say it making you a cup of tea .

Sending much love .

Would some kind of self help strategy be something you'd be willing to try?

Lots of options and tbh, if you have got some anxiety going on, merely identifying it can make a difference.

Books, online courses or even support networks.

Then you don't have to be 'the single mother struggling' too, which is how you are framing yourself. You can be the person with a professional job who just has a bit too much going on to cope with right now. You seem to constantly be trying to be a super hero!

Flipped that just brought a lump to my throat. I just hope she doesn't grow up resenting me, and feeling she's missed out on things because I haven't had the time or the energy to do them with her. I guess I also feel that she has been completely rejected by him and his side of the family, which is fine by me, it turns out they really aren't nice people at all and of course they supported him completely, despite all the evidence of what he had done. I just feel hurt on her behalf that she is this amazing, funny and beautiful little girl who deserves so much better than what I can give her

And I guess the anxiety thing might well be true. I'll give that program a watch this evening. I always feel that I have to be doing something, and if I sit down and try to relax it just doesn't happen.

GAD is a long-term condition that causes you to feel anxious about a wide range of situations and issues, rather than one specific event.

People with GAD feel anxious most days and often struggle to remember the last time they felt relaxed.

As soon as one anxious thought is resolved, another may appear about a different issue.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/generalised-anxiety-disorder/

If your mother isn't nurturing to you and your Ex and his family weren't either, you don't really have strong role models to use instinctively as a parent. That's what crucified me when I had DC. Suddenly realising I hadn't a clue how to do this properly. I read hoards of parenting books and landed on one that was kind and wise and sane to both sides. "Positive Parenting' by Jane Nelsen. I really recommend it. She does a toddler one, a school years one and a teenage one. But the toddler one and the A-z are the gold dust ones. they establish a really strong, calm, sane bond between you and your child. They de-escalate any tantrums and she gives you advice on how to handle pretty much every situation you can think of, so no need to fret about whether your mother's criticisms are valid or not. I had that book as my parenting bible and I know I've been a really good mum because of it, despite suffering chronic depression throughout their childhood. I've moved from having a poor bond with one of my DC to being as close and loving and delighted in each other's company as any parent and teen can be.

Is there any reason why you can't get the au pair and stop the dog walking expenses, if the au pair walks the dog?

You could share a room with DD if you are only in a two bed.

I would do your research before considering an Au pair. Ask around to see if other mums can recommend a good agency. My sister had one.. no idea where she found her but generally au pairs are young girls wanting to learn the language. They are cheap but often have little life experience. My sisters lasted a week before she ended up at my mums until she could send her home. She couldn’t do simple tasks like boil an egg or even do toast. She ran a bath that was scolding hot for her daughter without testing the water first. She didn’t want to clean or anything. She thought she’d get paid to do a little babysitting, then get evenings weekends free an allowance, learn to drive and go to school to learn better English. We had our eyes opened. She refused to leave without receiving payment for a full month even though she’d worked little less than a week. I was 19 at the time and she was 18. I had far more know-how than this girl who was clearly very sheltered and had no clue. So be cautious of the idea of it being an easier option as you might find it even more stressful than before and an invasion of your down time. If you are already suffering from anxiety you might not adjust to having another individual around you all the time. Asking questions and wanting to be shown how to everything. Obviously there are some excellent young au pairs whom do a great job, no doubt about it, but you’d definitely need to find one who knows what she is doing to make your life easier. Xx

I hope you're ok op