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Original poster

I don't like my child

326 replies

passmeanother · 18/05/2019 15:17

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

OP posts:

nrpmum · 18/05/2019 16:50

Me too @GhostIsAGoodBoi

It's bloody hard being a single parent. I did it for 8 years to one (from 6 months) and two (14 & 5) for a further 2 years. In-between my ex worked away for the majority of the year and we lived nowhere near friends/family.

I was exhausted. Questioned my parenting skills on many occasions, and truthfully at one point wanted to kill myself at my lowest my first ex destroyed me after we split

Please, please tell your HV and get in contact with Home Start. If I'm really honest without even knowing you I'd be round with tea/coffee and cake and would happily sit and listen to you tell me how you feel.

You feel the way you do because you're a good parent. You need a hand hold, that's all. Who can't say they need a hand hold sometimes?

nrpmum · 18/05/2019 16:52

Oh and @passmeanother I'm a non resident mum now who doesn't get to see her daughter much. I'm in the judged camp too. You'll get there, I promise you will

Original poster

passmeanother · 18/05/2019 16:53

Crunchy I just haven't got time to have cbt or whatever. I really hope it helps you and I think it would be useful for me, but I genuinely don't know where I would find the time.

I just don't have time for anything. I need to take her to the dentist, I've not been for over ten years myself. Ive had to give up my only passion in life because of pregnancy and now this. I used to have a part share in a horse, and I rode four times a week. I miss it. But no way I can go back to it now... can't afford it for a start.

OP posts:

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Original poster

passmeanother · 18/05/2019 16:55

nrp I cant even imagine how you cope, especially after putting all the effort and love in.

I feel like I am in a catch 22. Can't live with her, can't live without her.

Burp I am in north London.

OP posts:

clairemcnam · 18/05/2019 16:57

Can you write a list of things you can do for yourself when things are feeling tough?
These could be simple things like post a thread on MN, take a shower, etc.

nrpmum · 18/05/2019 16:58

@passmeanother if you were closer I'd come and give you a hug. I know it doesn't solve everything, but sometimes it just helps.

I'll be ok, let's worry about how we can help you

Original poster

passmeanother · 18/05/2019 17:00

Also, because of my ex, I had a lot of ss intervention, despite my best efforts to prove to them that I was trying to protect my child from him. They did a massive 360 and apologised to me after finding out various things about him. Which I tried to tell them needed investigation from the start. And a home start visitor. Who was utterly crap.

OP posts:

clairemcnam · 18/05/2019 17:01

Sorry to hear Home Start were crap.

Original poster

passmeanother · 18/05/2019 17:01

Ok, I know it sounds stupid.

Can someone plan out the next three hours for me please?

OP posts:

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 18/05/2019 17:01

Could you afford an au pair instead of nursery? Or house-share with another single mum? Or go back to your family?

You do sound properly depressed. 😞 I'm really sorry.

EvaHarknessRose · 18/05/2019 17:02

It can get better OP, you have had a really awful start with her, and its not fair. Try to find one thing you can change to improve your schedule, make some things easier for you. Let the dog, your protector, care for you, and you care for your dd.

Herland · 18/05/2019 17:04

You are telling yourself the same negative shit over and over again and soon enough you believe it, it becomes self fulfilling. Everytime a negative thought enters your head flip it and replace it with a positive.

I'm a shit mum cos I work all the time / I'm a great mum because I'm out providing for my child and being a fantastic role model.

She'd be better off without me / she is lucky to have a mum who can provide for her, who loves her and who worries about her.

I am too tired and sad/ yes I'm tired and sad but I get up everyday and carry on which means I'm actually strong and resilient.

You are holding on to too much anger for your ex and this hurts only you. He doesn't care.... Your anger and bitterness is literally only hurting you.

You must make time for therapy. If you had cancer you wouldn't slowly let it kill you because you didn't have time. You're mental health is equally important. Speak to your HR dep at work. Ask if their is an employee counselling service or if there is insurance that would pay for therapy. You should be able to attend appointments during working hours.

And if things get too much and you are on the edge please contact social services. They may be able to offer respite foster care which is not as scary as it sounds.

Good luck Op. Remember you are still here, still breathing, still fighting and you WILL keep doing it. And when you look at your big girl in 2, 5, 10, 20 years time you will feel so proud of yourself that you did it all by yourself.

nrpmum · 18/05/2019 17:04

@passmeanother what is little one doing now? Still sleeping or up?

Original poster

passmeanother · 18/05/2019 17:05

Thanks nrp. And Claire, without sounding like a complete bitch, I think home start are there for people who struggle with basic things, eg going to the supermarket or feeding their children.

There was zero point having my home start visitor because a) she never turned up and b) she was no flipping help, just another person to fill in about the Shit show of my life

OP posts:

nrpmum · 18/05/2019 17:06

@passmeanother ok, so need another solution. Let me put my thinking cap on.

nrpmum · 18/05/2019 17:08

How about Gingerbread? Have you spoken with them?

gower4 · 18/05/2019 17:08

Next two hours:

go out for 30 minutes. Wear raincoats/take umbrella and just get out to local playground or park
come home, have tea
bath
read stories/play with toys together
watch in the night garden
bed

ichifanny · 18/05/2019 17:09

Everything you say sounds like you do care about and love her you do t sound like you dislike her at all . You sound like you hate the situation you are in and you are struggling to cope as anyone would . Please don’t take it out on her and if you are better off not working perhaps give up work for a few years and concentrate on feeling better about things .

AzraiL · 18/05/2019 17:09

It doesn't sound like you don't like your kid. It does sound like you are overwhelmed and feeling a lot of guilt and resentment.

Please get help and take care of yourself and your child. You know what it's like to have a difficult relationship with your mum. You need to find the strength to be the kind of mum you wish you had.

Original poster

passmeanother · 18/05/2019 17:10

She is awake and toddling about. I should take her to the park, but I can't face leaving the house right now... I look like crap and the effort required is just too much.

I just can't give her what she needs. Which is a fun mummy. I am basically the antithesis of fun.

OP posts:

Kittykat93 · 18/05/2019 17:10

Sorry if I've missed this but do you drive op? I have an 18 month old and sometimes especially when I'm knackered and cba I'll bundle him in the car with a load of toys and just go for a drive, maybe park up and have a walk around and then go home.

I also find doing something productive makes me feel better, and sometimes the child can join in! So yesterday I was sorting a couple of drawers out, ds was sat next to me playing with things as I was sorting them.

Can you go and get some nice food for dinner so you have something to look forward to?

I have loads of days like this. And this 18 month old phase I'm finding really challenging, but keeping busy is the best way to make the day go quicker

Kittykat93 · 18/05/2019 17:11

And honestly op I know how it is to not want to go out, but it only has to be 15 minutes , and I think it would do you both good.

inthekitchensink · 18/05/2019 17:12

Hi Op, you said you worked it out and you’d be better off on benefits. Is this not an option until she is 3 and her 30 funded hours of childcare is available? What benefits would you be entitled to, could you survive on it til then? If you could use any savings towards keeping her in nursery for a bit you could save on the dog walking and you could concentrate on getting healthy & well - you sound terribly low & exhausted and is this an option?

SpeedyBojangles · 18/05/2019 17:13

What breed of dog do you have OP?

I also echo that swimming lessons are pointless and stupidly overpriced at her age. Take her to a few baby swimming open sessions (if they have them near you, if not just take her to general swim with a couple of toys). Save yourself a fortune.

Help12345678910 · 18/05/2019 17:13

Next three hours: do dinner, early bed, TV on, Eurovision

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