I don't like my child

[passmeanother]

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

If your friends have kids why not suggest playdates? Just chilling in the garden or the park with some snacks. Nothing fancy just hanging out having a catch up while kids burn off some energy.

When she gets up get out the house for a bit. You can actually do everything in that lesson by yourself. Don’t book any more just take her to the pool when you have the time.

Why have you kept the dog?

The swimming lesson is the only time I actually spend meaningful time with her in the whole week, that's why I am loathe to drop it. Although, obviously I am too crap to take her today.

I am lucky enough to be paying minimal rent, which is the only good thing. But I am still living in a house with holes in the walls and cracks in every single piece of glassware because of him.

Can you take her to the park or even found the block when she wakes up? You absolutely don't need to go swimming or be perfect, but she needs some fresh air and so do you. Even just walking outside for 20 mins is better then nothing.

18 month old kids are exhausting. Mine pushed me to my absolute limits even with a hands on DH in the picture. It gave me immense respect for single mums, that I’d never had before. I also often heard other mums at baby/toddler groups saying “Imagine doing this on your own!”

So please don’t think other parents are judging you. They most likely have a lot of sympathy and respect.

It will get easier as your dd gets older. That probably won’t be much consolation right now, or for the next year or so, but try to hang on to the thought that it WILL get better.

I agree with the pp who said ditch the expensive swimming lessons in favour of just taking her for a splash about in the local pool at a time that’s convenient. Save actual lessons for when she’ll get more out of them, in a couple of years time.

I've kept the dog because she is my dog, and she was here way before that fuckwit. I've toyed with the idea of having to give her up, as she too is suffering from a lack of attention. But I can't give her up. I've had her since she was 8 weeks old. But she is costing me £3500 a year in walking fees, and that's only because I have a friend who is a dog walker and he gives me a discount to have her for the whole day.

and also, if the swimming lessons weren't pre booked, I just know I wouldn't go. It takes such an effort to get everything ready as it is. I would just make excuses.

You sound very depressed.

Oh bloody hell pass that’s a fuck load of money

I’d seriously think of finding a new home for her. Your not in all week anyway and that money could take you and dd on a much needed holiday.

Also that's the thing. My friends bitch and moan when their husband or whatever is out for the evening. 'Now I know how you feel' they cry. No. You fucking don't know how I feel. Not even close. Trying to hold work together and semi bringing up a child on your own is just the fucking pits

Single parent her OP, have been for 15 years, it’s a breeze now compared to the first 4 years. I was knackered, resentful of my situation, had Undiagnosed PND until she was around a year. Dd dad haven’t seen in years. Hated the patronising oh dear poor you from some well meaning and some not so well meaning other parents, strangers, supermarket cashiers, no wedding ring seemed to be an open invitation to enquire.

I absolutely gets better as they get older and can do much more for themselves. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

You poor thing, life sounds utterly shattering. You aren’t a crap mum though. You’re hers and you are enough. Really hope tomorrow is easier .

I've kept the dog because she is my dog, and she was here way before that fuckwit.

I know you're struggling but there's no need to be so rude towards people trying to help you.

£3500 a year is a massive amount

When you say you're better off on benefits, would you consider taking that as an option? Or does that mean you would need to take your daughter out of nursery(assuming you want to keep her in nursery)?

But I am still living in a house with holes in the walls and cracks in every single piece of glassware because of him

That sounds utterly depressing - you are surrounded by reminders of bad times. Could you move somewhere else for a fresh start? Or get your LL to fix the holes? Charity shops always have loads of glassware for like 50p a glass - replace yours so that you are not looking at violence every time you have a drink of water!

Oh yes, ha you’re getting it already. After a while you either find yourself saying something or you develop a sort of sarcastic smile and nod, but don’t speak, works a treat

I would love to go on holiday. Except the thought of getting to the airport and getting on a plane with her makes me feel sick. It's not her fault, it's me. I just can't face it.
Plus the fact I have the added joy of having to get her a new passport, the court decided that my application to change her surname was successful (my solicitor said that was the first time she had had a client with a successful name change, to give you an idea of how rare it is and how much of a twunt her father is), and I can't actually afford to pay for a new passport.

You just sound shattered and worn down to me. And the reason you are is because you have a child and a full time job with zero outside help. Very few people could cope with that.

Do single parent support groups still exist? If you could find another mother that you liked and trusted in your area, you could take turns to have each other's child for half a day a week to give each other a break.

She's 18 months. She doesn't need to be swimming, Don't waste a second on guilt about that. Take her to the park. Your attention and a bit of exercise is probably what makes her happy.

If you need to simplify your life, don't feel bad. You can hand your ex's dog in to an animal shelter if you need to. The extra cost and responsibility are too much at this stage, especially as you sound depressed.

Try and do a couple of tiny, easy things each day with your daughter that can help you bond. I had crippling PND when DC were small. I used to make a goal of having a giggle together four times a day. However awful the rest of the day was, if I could pull a silly face or make a joke or tickle them and get a giggle, I classed that as a good day. And it helps you bond.

Long term, you are better off having her as your ally, as your most loved and trusted person in the world. You can't trust or rely on your mum or your ex, but you can develop a brilliant, strong, loving, trusting bond with your daughter and after not too much time, you'll find that gives you strength instead of sapping you.

Op you are not a crap mum, you are doing your very best with the cards you have been dealt.

All l can say is she will in time become your absolute best friend and total joy, the burden will lessen when she gets older.

In the meantime can you find a mum friend and swop babysitting dates ie you have hers for a period of time and she has your DD for a period of time, maybe a few hours on a Saturday or similar..?

Do you have a 'Home Start' project in your area? Your Health Visitor will know or be able to offer alternative support.

Is there any way you can do compressed days at work? Ie work all your hours across 4 days in stead of 5 and that way you're still working full time but only have to put her into childcare 4 days a week? This way you spend more time with her but should also save some money?

I really feel for you, is there any way you can practice more self care in the evening when shes asleep to help calm you and feel a bit better within yourself? Ie baths, candles, reading, following yoga YouTube videos?

Do you have any friends? Have you met anyone at any groups? Even if nothing changes financially it may help to have people to socialise with?

She is calling the ex a fuckwit not people of here!

Taco I didn't mean to be rude, I was just trying to explain why I can't get rid of my dog. Apart from anything else, she defended me when he was at his most violent. Didn't want to say that

@TacoLover she was calling her ex partner a fuckwit, not anyone on the thread.

Have to reached out to your Health Visitor OP? Honestly OP there are organisations out there set up to help you, you just have to reach out to them and start working out what might be helpful to you. I know there are also people who come out to sit with you and help with family life of everything has got too much.

Re. your dog. Consider rehoming again. Not only would it free up much needed money but it would take some of the stress off you.

I’m not a dog person so that’s probably why but honestly the dog would be the first thing to go. 3.5k is so much money and that’s purely for someone to walk it every day? Imagining there’s also food, insurance etc on top of that? It’s too much and it will free up a lot of money if you got rid.

Your DD is very young and wouldn’t know the difference between you taking her swimming and swimming lessons. Ditch the lessons and take her yourself, you’ll free up lots of cash doing that too.

If PT work isn’t an option then you need to simply make the most of the time you do get with her when not at work. Read to her lots, it’ll help her speech enormously. Ask your health visitor for some advice, she will be able to help.

It’s a tough time but you’ll get through it and it’ll only get easier the older she gets, I promise.