I don't like my child

[passmeanother]

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

Do you mean you hate your life as a lone parent?

Because that's totally different to the provocative thread title.

Myself and my friends at Uni we’re all single parents. Yes it’s a loan but not one you need to pay back until earning properly . It’s 3k paid 3 times a year. You get HB if you rent. You can apply for bursaries and grants and you student discounts.
Many courses are only 12-16 hours in terms of lecturers and study lessons - full time, It gives you head space and something new to think about.

She doesn't get the concept of films. Annoyingly.
She is still asleep. I am going to pay for this massively when she finally wakes up.

I don't even want to go out anywhere, I've cried all my make up off, and I look like utter shit. I am actually an utter state. I initially lost loads of weight after the trauma of her father, but I have been steadily piling it back on. Plus I've started smoking again, which I hAte myself for, and my drinking is creeping up again. I was teetotal for two years but now I am finding myself reaching for a beer or whatever once it gets to 7pm. So basically I am a fat, ugly, broke mess

Yes I too would put on a Disney film if she would watch it.
It does sound like you are trying to be the perfect mother. That is unrealistic. She will get lots of stimulation at nursery, so its fine to have quieter times together.
The other thing I used to do was a bath with coloured full dye and bubble bath - let the DC choose the colour. That seemed to amuse them for a bit.

IMO it's quite clear from what you've written that you don't dislike her at all, you dislike the situation your in. And I can't say I blame you, you have been dealt a really shit hand. Stop beating yourself up and thinking that you are crap and not doing enough! You are doing your best for her, and that is enough.

As others have said ditch the swimming lessons and just take her to the pool for a splash about when it suits you both. Don't put pressure on yourself, remember she will be doing plenty at nursery so use the weekends to chill and do fun stuff with her, nothing too structured. Just enjoy that time with her, don't set yourself up to fail by booking set things that you might not make. And she is at a difficult age, it really does get so much easier as they get older.

Fwiw I'm m pretty sure every parent of small children counts down the minutes until they can get them into bed

Parrot yes. And yes. I hate my child because I am in the situation I am in. I hate my situation so I hate my child. It's not her fault and I've made that clear, and I do love her, but I've had enough.

I would try not to worry about how you look. It really is unimportant at the moment.
You might feel better though if you went and had a shower?
When I was really struggling, if DC were asleep, I also found a quick wank helped as well.

You're depressed OP and that colours EVERYTHING. It will pass and it will feel different. And it isn't fair to be left with everything - child, dog, low pay. You should have more support. You're not mad or wrong to feel like you've had a lot dumped on you. It's often noted that depression in a normal reaction to shitty events.

Be really kind to yourself and build up support bit by bit. Don't beta yourself up about how you feel. The fact that you're worrying about it and writing about it shows you are a good parent. Everything will look different in 6 months, a year, whatever. I've been there. x

Was you drinking last night?

I think you might benefit from going back to the gp/whoever is prescribing your antidepressants and getting a review of the meds/further talking therapy alongside.

The GP may be able to make a referral to Early Help for you - or tell you how to do it. They can send a worker round who can help coordinate different services (imo they're a lot better at this than GPs usually are), including support with working out benefits you may not be entitled to that you're not aware of.

More info about Early Help here : learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection/early-help-early-intervention/

I also found a quick wank helped as well.

When I was a single parent this helped me toobest advice I could ever give

BTW from reading your posts I don't think you hate your child at all - your writing is full of concern for her

Thanks for all the support. She's woken up and is chattering away to herself. I need to psych myself up and get her up. I d tried so hard not to let the situation get to me but today, I have had enough.

Is there some way you can get money from her useless father?

Weirdly her useless father's dad wrote an email to the court. Condemning me, obviously, but confirming that he now is working... apparently he had to quit his job because of the 'stress I was causing him'. But the cms do nothing.

If she is happily chattering away to herself, leave her until she calls for you.

TacoLover I hesitated to post that, but it really did help.

Harangue the CMS. Someone on here must know how to go about it.

When I was a single working mum to a 2&3 year old I'm afraid my dogs only got walked when I got home at 6 with the kids. I dropped off the kids at 8.30. Everyone struggled a bit and I was a fucking idiot to have got two more dogs. We have a indoor kennel with a decent size pen and they were fine. I don't think dog walkers are even a thing in rural france.

Not ideal but if this was at all possible for you it's a massive saving.

I totally feel you OP. You can completely love your child but hate the situation you are in.

And to all the judgy idiots who have no idea what it takes, part time is not the answer.

My motto is week by week. Get through it. It might not get better but you can do it.

For what it's worth it doesn't sound like you hate your child. Your situation - yes, yourself - yes but it sounds like your issues with your DC are feeling like you are failing her / not good enough for her.

Have you ever had any CBT? Where I am they offer online / groups as well as 1:1 appointments so you may be able to fit it in with your schedule.

You've given many reasons why you can't change your situation so maybe it's time to work on your mindset?

I have a completely different situation but many of the issues resonate with me - self loathing, guilt, inability to do much about the actual situation that is causing so much angst and sadness..... I'm just about to commence CBT and am hopeful that I'll find some better coping mechanisms.

I really feel for you, @passmeanother. It sounds to me like you are doing incredibly well to just be putting one foot in front of the other, and your daughter and your dog are both very lucky to have you. You have been through so much.

Don't feel guilty about the feelings you have: just accept them. This stops them from mounting up too much.

In the long term, even though obviously it's all these external practical factors creating this pressure, I wonder if some coping strategies might make it more bearable. If you could manage to get some help (maybe online CBT, or one or two Skype sessions with a counsellor or when she's asleep -- or in person if you can take a one-off sick day from work) that might make things a bit better.

You mention the state of your house so this probably isn't possible right now, but in the future, maybe when DD hits 2 or 3 (your financial situation depending) and free hours make her nursery cost less, you could see whether having an aupair might be an option financially. An aupair would live with you, work about 5 hours a day six days a week, and might negate the need for a dog walker. You pay about £80 per week plus their food and board, so it's not miles off what you pay your dog walker now.

I think you should do all you can to keep your dog, not for her but for you: I think she is probably a rock for you and you might really spiral into depression without her there.

Regarding deed polls: this isn't expensive. For adults, companies on the internet charge you a bit to print it out on nice paper but you can actually just do the exact wording yourself and get it signed by two witnesses. For children, I believe you have to enrol the deed poll, which costs £36 (could you scrape this together?)

Regarding work: have you looked at the benefits calculators like entitledto and turn2us? You can plug in different salaries etc and it generates an estimate of how you'd do in various different circumstances. Have you checked you're not entitled to any Universal Credit on top of your full-time salary?

A caveat with Universal Credit versus your job is it can't be relied upon. Also, I might be wrong but I think they expect you to be looking for work from the time your child turns two, regardless of single parent status.

Finally, while I don't want to compare myself to you because I am lucky to have supportive family, I am a single parent to a toddler and also left an abusive relationship. You mention all your friends have partners -- I do know how this feels, and would be up for meeting up if we happen to be in the same part of the country!

CMS are useless. There’s several liability orders against my Ex, bailiffs couldn’t get anything either, the fucker job hops, I’ve never had a penny.

Your depression is talking shit to you.

Cms won't do anything. Unless I report him for fraud. Even when I have a fucking court document confirming he is working. I get around £26 a month.

Wally how the fuck did you manage?? I am struggling with mine and she's only little. I can't get rid of her. I just can't. I know if makes sense, and the dog walker said he would take her for a week's trial. But as I said, I got her before I met him and she doesn't deserve to be abandoned just because I make bad life choices.

Sometimes I just wish there was someone else here to share the burden. I am sick and tired of being completely and utterly responsible.

I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent
Please don't worry about this. The only people who would judge you for being a single mum are shitty Daily Mailers with a low IQ and they'll be judging all sorts of other groups/races too. Who cares what they think?