Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Sensitive issue with DDs friend WWYD?

193 replies

PrincessPearTree · 17/05/2019 19:37

My DDs 11th birthday was last week but due to her having SATs and a massive amount of practice test papers over the weekend she’s having a small sleep over with a few friends this evening. They are all off tomorrow early evening to a class mates birthday disco. So tonight they are have had a pizza and are watching a film and tomorrow my hairdresser is coming round to do there hair and between us we will do there makeup if they want for the party. My DD outright refuses makeup but a couple of the girls wear it.

One of DDs friends is in the same year but is almost 12. She’s a really lovely girl and has grown up with DD. Preschool, nursery, primary and they are starting secondary in September together.

I’ve heard people describe the family as “alternative” it’s hard to describe them but they have no gadgets at all, grow there own food, don’t follow any trends and not materialistic at all. They are a very educational family from a young age, this girl is very advanced beyond her years and has always been.

They all went to the park opposite our house. They came back this girl was really upset saying two boys who used to go to there school (year above and now in secondary) were saying she smells and has nits. I know from DD this girl has been having a horrific time over the last few years with constant teasing.

This girl asked me to check that it wasn’t nits and was dandruff. I took her into the kitchen to look in private and said to her it could be a few things most likely may be not washing shampoo out properly. Explained dd and myself get a flaky scalp. I looked, her hair is very dark and it did look bad with tonnes of fine white specs but it seems like she has cradle cap it’s a yellow colour all over her scalp. When She took her ponytail down and not only has this to contend with but her hair is very very greasy and the top section below where the hair bobble is it’s completely matted.

I told her not to worry and showed her mine, mines bad and looks like glue. Told her I use a shampoo prescribed by docs and I would give her a bottle to take home if she wanted. She told me her mum won’t let her use that, they had been to the doctor about it but her mum won’t treat it.

I know from DD she’s been teased for many years for this and for being smelly. No judgment but bless her she does smell of BO. DD has said in the past her mum knows this but refuses to let her use deodorant. DD has said many times if her mum let her have deodorant the teasing would stop.

This girl has said she wants me to put the shampoo on it. I’ve got Nizoral here, I know it’s available over the counter but I’ve said I need to check with her mum first but she’s said her mum will say no but she doesn’t need to know. I explained it may not make it go in one treatment and I have to use it every 2-3 weeks to keep on top of mine and DDs.

What do I do? She wants curls done tomorrow and tbh her hair really needs washing first and also de-matting. She pleaded with me to treat her but not ask her mum. WWYD?

Mum has agreed to let her have her hair curled but no makeup.

OP posts:
CatFaceCats · 17/05/2019 19:40

I’d do it. And give the mother a mouthful of she said a word to me. Poor girl :(

SunshineCake · 17/05/2019 19:40

Gut feeling. Do what the poor girl wants.

BeesKneesAreBetterThanMine · 17/05/2019 19:41

So the mum agreed to let her have her hair done. I would include washing hair in the process of 'getting hair done'.

LolaSmiles · 17/05/2019 19:42

In that case I would do what the girl wants. It'll be lovely for her to have an adult take it seriously and listen to her.

I'd also pass what has been said onto the school safeguarding lead too for their information as a child has said their parent is ignoring medical advice and they're upset about the situation.

Summerorjustmaybe · 17/05/2019 19:43

Alternative lifestyle shouldn't mean neglect. See to the girl's hair op.
Poor bairn.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2019 19:43

I think I would be inclined to report her parents to social services. She is being neglected and abused. If she wants to have a shower I would let her. My heart is breaking for that poor girl.

cantfindname · 17/05/2019 19:43

Poor poor girl. So unkind to let your weird lifestyle choices impact your children this way.

I don't know what to suggest. Theoretically if you wash and treat her hair it could possibly be classed as abuse. Her Mum will smell a different shampoo (I know I can)

As for the BO, can you give her a small roll-on and tell her to keep it in her school bag?

Mac47 · 17/05/2019 19:44

I would do it. Not least because it took real guts to speak to you about it. Maybe she had a shower in the morning and used the only available stuff in the bathroom...

HoneysuckIejasmine · 17/05/2019 19:44

Do it. Best interests of the child.

It's got an air of vegan cat to it, poor kid.

luckygreeneyes · 17/05/2019 19:45

I’d do it too, absolutely. Poor girl, sadly at that age the most important thing is fitting in

StrongTea · 17/05/2019 19:45

Poor kid, that is really neglect, not covering basic cleanliness, just setting her up for bullying.

Cuddlysnowleopard · 17/05/2019 19:45

So mum has said you can curl her hair? Then it should be fine to help her wash it first...using your shampoo?

Not long before she can take control of her own wash products, deodorant etc.

mommybear1 · 17/05/2019 19:46

I would do it OP the mom has said she can have her hair curled so as part of that I'd say (if indeed asked) it needed a wash and blow first no need to say what shampoo you have used etc. It's clear she trusts you as she asked you for help. I feel so sorry for her a little bit of personal care and her life would change in such a big way.

cantfindname · 17/05/2019 19:46

Sorry.. me again. Agree you should speak to the school's safeguarding team and let them commence any actions needed. If you do anything yourself the poor girl will probably be banned from visiting you.

Cocolapew · 17/05/2019 19:47

I agree with pp, getting her hair done can include washing it.
I'd also report it to the school.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 17/05/2019 19:48

Yeah ‘having hair done’ includes washing and that’s the shampoo you had to hand.

Does she have a locker at school? Does she get pocket money? She could wash at home every morning (that will be part of the issue I suspect) and then put on a scentless deodorant like Mitchum block fro at school.

She shouldn’t have to sneak about but needs must.

Can you and dd teach her to brush her hair properly? That’ll help. How often is she allowed to wash it?

crochetandshit · 17/05/2019 19:48

I'd probably have her to sleep once a week if she was allowed, leave the shampoo in the shower. Not your fault if she uses it.
And yes, I'd offer a roll on for her school bag or get my own dd to carry it for her.

Dyrne · 17/05/2019 19:49

Yes in this instance you could feign ignorance if the mum kicks off and say washing was part of the “hairdresser experience” for the curls. Not sure how good the one wash would do though if you say it needs s multiple treatments.

100% agree with reporting to the school so they can make an assessment. If it’s causing distress to the poor child it’s really unfair.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 17/05/2019 19:50

You could encourage her to speak to her form tutor. The bullying needs stamping on and as part of that she could bring this up. There are 2 issues and bullying and how she feels about her situation.

Picklypickles · 17/05/2019 19:50

You have to help the poor girl, help her sort her hair out and give her some deodorant the poor thing, and if her stupid crusty mother has a go tell her you're going to report her for neglect.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2019 19:50

I would also offer to buy her some deodorant that she can keep in her bag. To hell with her mother.

Illberidingshotgun · 17/05/2019 19:50

Well it would be fairly usual for a child on a sleepover to have a shower at the host's house, so why not let her have a shower, and also tell her to help herself to any toiletries she needs. You can then happen to leave that shampoo lying around, and some deodorant. She will need some help with the dematting - lots of conditioner and a wide toothed comb. It really does sound as though it's bordering on neglect - her basic hygiene needs aren't being met. Being intelligent/alternative/vegan/non-materialistic is no excuse for not washing.

Almahart · 17/05/2019 19:51

I’d do it. Confiding in you would have been a huge step for her

Illberidingshotgun · 17/05/2019 19:51

Oh and yes, definitely mention all of this to the class teacher.

FadedRed · 17/05/2019 19:51

I’m with Beesknees Mum said she could have her hair done, so washing it first is OK.
In regard to the BO problem, then could a ‘casual’ discussion with Mum about how adolescents get bullied for all sorts of trivial ‘differences’ be arranged to hopefully change her mind about deodorant/shampoo etc.
Would recommend Pit Rock for starters, is a natural crystal form of deodorant. Not an antiperspirant but certainly can be an effective deodorant.