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Sensitive issue with DDs friend WWYD?

193 replies

PrincessPearTree · 17/05/2019 19:37

My DDs 11th birthday was last week but due to her having SATs and a massive amount of practice test papers over the weekend she’s having a small sleep over with a few friends this evening. They are all off tomorrow early evening to a class mates birthday disco. So tonight they are have had a pizza and are watching a film and tomorrow my hairdresser is coming round to do there hair and between us we will do there makeup if they want for the party. My DD outright refuses makeup but a couple of the girls wear it.

One of DDs friends is in the same year but is almost 12. She’s a really lovely girl and has grown up with DD. Preschool, nursery, primary and they are starting secondary in September together.

I’ve heard people describe the family as “alternative” it’s hard to describe them but they have no gadgets at all, grow there own food, don’t follow any trends and not materialistic at all. They are a very educational family from a young age, this girl is very advanced beyond her years and has always been.

They all went to the park opposite our house. They came back this girl was really upset saying two boys who used to go to there school (year above and now in secondary) were saying she smells and has nits. I know from DD this girl has been having a horrific time over the last few years with constant teasing.

This girl asked me to check that it wasn’t nits and was dandruff. I took her into the kitchen to look in private and said to her it could be a few things most likely may be not washing shampoo out properly. Explained dd and myself get a flaky scalp. I looked, her hair is very dark and it did look bad with tonnes of fine white specs but it seems like she has cradle cap it’s a yellow colour all over her scalp. When She took her ponytail down and not only has this to contend with but her hair is very very greasy and the top section below where the hair bobble is it’s completely matted.

I told her not to worry and showed her mine, mines bad and looks like glue. Told her I use a shampoo prescribed by docs and I would give her a bottle to take home if she wanted. She told me her mum won’t let her use that, they had been to the doctor about it but her mum won’t treat it.

I know from DD she’s been teased for many years for this and for being smelly. No judgment but bless her she does smell of BO. DD has said in the past her mum knows this but refuses to let her use deodorant. DD has said many times if her mum let her have deodorant the teasing would stop.

This girl has said she wants me to put the shampoo on it. I’ve got Nizoral here, I know it’s available over the counter but I’ve said I need to check with her mum first but she’s said her mum will say no but she doesn’t need to know. I explained it may not make it go in one treatment and I have to use it every 2-3 weeks to keep on top of mine and DDs.

What do I do? She wants curls done tomorrow and tbh her hair really needs washing first and also de-matting. She pleaded with me to treat her but not ask her mum. WWYD?

Mum has agreed to let her have her hair curled but no makeup.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 18/05/2019 09:45

lyralalala
Ok. I thought you were meaning that the school not sorting out deodorant are was a sign they were failing.

They should have called other agencies, though as you say they probably wouldn t have been interested in someone bit a bit smelly. The medical information might be a good push in the right direction to bump this poor child's case further.

The OP could give the child a non scented stick deodorant to use but with nowhere to store it It, it is a bit risky.

I think you might have a point on secondary having a certain amount of detachment from home setups so it's less 'but that family is known to be a bit alternative' and more 'this child is unclean an unhappy'.

Frouby · 18/05/2019 09:49

That poor girl. Her parents are heading into trouble as she gets older. She will end up completely rejecting them and their ethos on life.

lyralalala · 18/05/2019 09:52

lolasmiles

I think the school could have sorted a deodorant, but that's one of those things that would be done in some schools and not others. In itself it's not a big thing. I know a couple of schools where deodorants were made available after PE etc, but that's general rather than specific.

I just think combining an obviously neglected child and an ongoing bullying issue means it's likely to be a poor SLT. It is an assumption, but I have found the two go hand in hand often. It's all the things added together that suggest they aren't going to be a big help in the last short time before she leaves them if they haven't been so far.

The secondary school also doesn't have that gradual decline. If a child goes from well looked after to smelly and unkempt in a few days everyone notices. If a child starts reception with occasionally unironed uniform then gradually by Y6 is smelly and crumpled then it's less noticable. A bit like height I suppose. You don't really notice them growing until one day they are taller than you.

Drum2018 · 18/05/2019 10:11

How did it go? Unfortunately one wash won't help the cradle cap. What shit parents she has to let that issue go unresolved when all it would take is a few olive oil treatments and a good wash and comb through to help clear it. It could well be classed as unintentional neglect, but it's neglect all the same.

PrincessPearTree · 18/05/2019 10:42

I’ve dematted her, it took ages so didn’t have time to wash it last night but will do that in a minute.

She said she is in charge of her own hair washing and brushing and uses a bar of soap to wash it but I’m assuming she means a shampoo bar.

The top section of hair was alright but she had huge matted tangles underneath at the back of the head she said she brushes it everyday. I may have a word with my hairdresser about it and ask her to show her how to brush it properly to try and prevent it in the future.

OP posts:
funnelfanjo · 18/05/2019 10:54

I’m assuming she means a shampoo bar given everything else you've said so far, I think this is a dangerous assumption.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 18/05/2019 11:03

There’s a goats milk shampoo bar that is particularly made for scalp conditions and was #1 in the independent listings. It avoids harsher chemicals and plastics so would I imagine be the preferred choice for parents as you describe. Some hair IS more prone to tangling and matting, one of my dds is like this and incidentally has an impact n going scaling dandruff scalp that is never all the way better. Washing with a new shampoo may cause real irritation for weeks.

angelikacpickles · 18/05/2019 11:30

I'm going to guess that if the parents don't notice/care that their child's hair is matted, they're not going to notice/care that it has been washed.

ReganSomerset · 18/05/2019 11:55

I'm assuming she means a shampoo bar

Maybe, but given that you can buy two in one body and hair shower gels, I'd imagine you can get two in one body and hair soaps too.

IDontDrinkTea · 18/05/2019 13:45

So glad to see your update that you’ve detangled her hair for her. Hoping you’ll be back later to say her hair has been washed and curled and she feels fabulous.

I personally would have to have a word with her mum. Something along the lines of ‘I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it but the hairdresser noted it was quite matted and she recommended a decent conditioner’ etc. And I’d give her a deodorant stick to take home too. I’m sure she can come up with somewhere her mum is unlikely to look at home.

SirVixofVixHall · 18/05/2019 16:15

If she does use soap, then that would leave a fatty residue that could stick her hair together and cause scalp issues. I once washed my hair with soap when a pigeon pooed on my head while out in the park. I went into the park loos and washed it. It was left dull and clumpy, with a greasy feel.

Maybe her parents do that no shampoo, only water thing with their own hair ?

BogglesGoggles · 18/05/2019 16:22

If you can spare the money buy her and tangle teaser and some deodorant. Also tell her to tell her mum for spray vinegar on her clothes before washing (to avoid smelly arm pits). And double check that she washes her arm pits with soap as well. Well done for noticing and acting. Clearly you are the first.

KatharinaRosalie · 18/05/2019 17:14

uses a bar of soap to wash it but I’m assuming she means a shampoo bar.

I'm sure it would be some eco-friendly bar of plain soap. Probably why it's so greasy and matted - I had to use soap on my hair once and it felt horrendous. If she can choose how to deal with her hair, maybe you have a spare shampoo and conditioner? Does not sound like the parents are likely to get her any.

Parvuli · 18/05/2019 17:18

Do it. Poor kid. The mother deserves a mouthful.

llangennith · 18/05/2019 18:00

The cradle cap could be psoriasis.

Lucked · 18/05/2019 18:12

Shampoo bars are usually quite good shampoo but it maybe that she has never been taught good self care and can’t manage it herself. OBviously her parents should be on top of this as she is only a child.

I wonder if it is a nature fibre bristle brush, they don’t work on my hair, they seem to brush the top layer but skim over any tangles underneath. I need a paddle brush with plastic teeth/ bristles. Might be worth asking what she has.

VampireSlayer19 · 18/05/2019 18:23

So glad you did this I hope the girl and your DD had a lovely day.

Just be careful with the bag of toiletries maybe give to your DD to keep in her locker and the girl can use, as if came out then would just be your DD was letting her use it, rather than you supplied it for the girl directly.

Poor love when lifestyle impacts a child’s health it’s more than just a lifestyle.

spiderlight · 18/05/2019 18:26

Poor lass. I'm so glad you're sorting her hair out for her. I still vividly remember the smelly girl at our school and what a miserable time she had :(

WhatOnPlanetEarth · 18/05/2019 18:29

OP absolutely 100% bash on and do it

Having seen this situation myself it was only the tip of the iceberg.

IncrediblySadToo · 18/05/2019 18:40

That’s nice of you 💐

If they don’t have lockers at school can your DD keep it in her bag? I think if her mum finds it on her bag she’ll get in trouble 😕 and maybe DD can bring it home at half term.

I’d let her come for sleep overs often and to to shower (and use your stuff on her hair) as often as she can.

I’m wondering what she has available to her for when she gets her period?

As for her ‘matted’ hair, I have bet fine hair and I can’t wear scarves or hoodies etc because it immediately becomes and if I’m unwell or tossing and turning it does too. So she might be brushing it ok but just getting it matted if it's fine.

Poor wee mite.

Cagliostro · 18/05/2019 18:42

So sad reading about this girl :( I’m really pleased she could approach you, she is lucky to have you and DD looking out for her.

NC4Now · 18/05/2019 19:19

It may be that she just uses a bar of soap, if that’s all they have at home. People used to. It would leave a waxy residue though.
My DS had a cradle cap type condition, when he was skipping shampoo and just using water in the shower. T-gel shampoo sorted it out. It was a kind of dermatitis I think.

PrincessPearTree · 18/05/2019 20:36

That was a absolute pain but it’s done. I’ve gone over with the treatment twice, rinsed and gone over liberally with cleansing shampoo. The treatment has worked well as tonnes of flakes were in her hair that’s come off her scalp. I blasted out what I could with the hairdryer and went over with a fine toothed plastic comb and got most of it out so it’s not visible. When drying I noticed the underneath section directly below her head was still really greasy how I don’t know as I was very thorough so I used some dry shampoo on it and that’s done the trick. She now has lovely clean hair and beautiful curls.

I can see why shes having issues her hair its very flyaway as soon as a section was dry and brushed, I made sure all the knots were completely gone within a few minutes the knots are back again. My hairdresser has looked at her hairbrush and the teeth are quite short so that may explain the mats.

OP posts:
Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 18/05/2019 20:41

When drying I noticed the underneath section directly below her head was still really greasy how I don’t know as I was very thorough

I made sure all the knots were completely gone within a few minutes the knots are back again.

So perhaps less neglect and instead rather more challenging hair than you are used to?

mummyhaschangedhername · 18/05/2019 20:46

Well done OP, you sound lovely.