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Sensitive issue with DDs friend WWYD?

193 replies

PrincessPearTree · 17/05/2019 19:37

My DDs 11th birthday was last week but due to her having SATs and a massive amount of practice test papers over the weekend she’s having a small sleep over with a few friends this evening. They are all off tomorrow early evening to a class mates birthday disco. So tonight they are have had a pizza and are watching a film and tomorrow my hairdresser is coming round to do there hair and between us we will do there makeup if they want for the party. My DD outright refuses makeup but a couple of the girls wear it.

One of DDs friends is in the same year but is almost 12. She’s a really lovely girl and has grown up with DD. Preschool, nursery, primary and they are starting secondary in September together.

I’ve heard people describe the family as “alternative” it’s hard to describe them but they have no gadgets at all, grow there own food, don’t follow any trends and not materialistic at all. They are a very educational family from a young age, this girl is very advanced beyond her years and has always been.

They all went to the park opposite our house. They came back this girl was really upset saying two boys who used to go to there school (year above and now in secondary) were saying she smells and has nits. I know from DD this girl has been having a horrific time over the last few years with constant teasing.

This girl asked me to check that it wasn’t nits and was dandruff. I took her into the kitchen to look in private and said to her it could be a few things most likely may be not washing shampoo out properly. Explained dd and myself get a flaky scalp. I looked, her hair is very dark and it did look bad with tonnes of fine white specs but it seems like she has cradle cap it’s a yellow colour all over her scalp. When She took her ponytail down and not only has this to contend with but her hair is very very greasy and the top section below where the hair bobble is it’s completely matted.

I told her not to worry and showed her mine, mines bad and looks like glue. Told her I use a shampoo prescribed by docs and I would give her a bottle to take home if she wanted. She told me her mum won’t let her use that, they had been to the doctor about it but her mum won’t treat it.

I know from DD she’s been teased for many years for this and for being smelly. No judgment but bless her she does smell of BO. DD has said in the past her mum knows this but refuses to let her use deodorant. DD has said many times if her mum let her have deodorant the teasing would stop.

This girl has said she wants me to put the shampoo on it. I’ve got Nizoral here, I know it’s available over the counter but I’ve said I need to check with her mum first but she’s said her mum will say no but she doesn’t need to know. I explained it may not make it go in one treatment and I have to use it every 2-3 weeks to keep on top of mine and DDs.

What do I do? She wants curls done tomorrow and tbh her hair really needs washing first and also de-matting. She pleaded with me to treat her but not ask her mum. WWYD?

Mum has agreed to let her have her hair curled but no makeup.

OP posts:
Justkeeprollingalong · 17/05/2019 20:06

Poor girl. All very well for the parents to be 'alternative' but they shouldn't inflict it on the child

ASauvignonADay · 17/05/2019 20:06

I would do it. We've let kids like this wash at school and borrow clothes and deodorant etc. Sometimes this is without them telling their parents as they wouldn't approve.

mogtheexcellent · 17/05/2019 20:07

Can she come to yours and wash her hair with the special shampoo every now and then?

I agree with a mitchum roll on in her school locker. Or left with a teacher if they don't have one.

Sadly misguided parents. Poor girl Sad

PrincessPearTree · 17/05/2019 20:08

Honestly I don’t know the mum particularly well. When they were very young we used to go out on play dates together but we are very very different and have very little in common so it was awkward to make conversation. Ever since then we both pretty much drop and run.

She spends more time here than DD does at hers as she just likes to have a bit of time doing what the other kids in the class do, play outside in the park opposite with friends or play on the console.

OP posts:
Twillow · 17/05/2019 20:09

I think you are right to be respectful of the girls' mum - there are many parenting choices and who's to say which are right and wrong. I think I'd probably explain about the shampoo that you use, tell her to go and have a shower and leave it in there.
With regards to deodorant - there are many nasties in antiperspirants particularly and I can understand the mum objecting - but also it's not nice to smell at that age. Could you make her a gift of a crystal rock stick deodorant? I don't think an alternative type person would object to those plus they work fab for me.

justasking111 · 17/05/2019 20:10

Does mum smell and look unkempt?

GreenTulips · 17/05/2019 20:11

I agree - show her the shower and leave what she needs out - this takes you out of the loop

It’s not like you’re giving her drugs and alcohol is it?

EffYouSeeKaye · 17/05/2019 20:11

I would wash her hair and let her use whichever of my other bathroom
products she likes, but keep the no make-up rule.

I’d probably also invite her over every 3 days regularly in case she wanted a shower and hair wash again.

YouJustDoYou · 17/05/2019 20:12

Oh gosh, poor kid. I had a friend just like her at school. The parents wouldn't let her use shampoo, and she and her sister were only allowed to shower once a week, for a couple of minutes. No body wash. No deodorant. The girl played netball everyweek, and she smelled so badly. Her hair was just disgusting, and no one wanted to sit near her, all because her parents believed absolutely that they were helping to do their bit to save the environment, to the detriment of their daughter. She got the absolute shit teased out of her. I'd def do what pp said, wash her hair for her and claim it was part of the curling process (and maybe chuck in a sneaky side remark about how dirty her hair was so the hair dress/whatever said it absolutely required properly cleaning).

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 17/05/2019 20:12

I would do it but I’d send DH to the shop for hair masks or something so they all ended up washing their hair and meant she could have some plausible deniability Smile

WhoWants2Know · 17/05/2019 20:13

My oldest daughter suffers from terrible dandruff (like cradle cap) and after trying everything we found that what works for her is scrubbing with a paste of bicarbonate and water once a week.

If the family's "alternativeness" involves an aversion to the chemicals in commercial shampoos, then maybe that would be something she could try at home.

But if her hair has been allowed to become matted, then it sounds like they aren't looking after her personal care needs at all.

YouJustDoYou · 17/05/2019 20:13

And report to child services. They are neglecting their child.

PrincessPearTree · 17/05/2019 20:13

I have cleansing shampoo and also sulphate free but the sulphate free is a very floral smell. Would cleansing shampoo be good for greasy hair? I only use it prior to Brazilian blow dry.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 17/05/2019 20:14

Wash her hair - but if you are curling it then it should probably be washed tonight so the curls hold better.
Also then would be less fresh and noticable to the mum.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 17/05/2019 20:16

PS baby oil and a cheap nail fresh work just as well for getting rid of it... although you do need to wash it out with shampoo a few times. So not helpful if she literally isn’t allowed any shampoo.

Also, because this would upset me too much to leave it alone (which is probably the wise thing) I would also buy her a deodorant bar and shampoo and conditioner bars. No plastic so mum can’t complain and say I got them as a freebie but didnt like them....

Lollypop701 · 17/05/2019 20:16

I would help too. All kids want to do at that age is fit it. There are loads of ethical and vegan products for hair and hygiene and this is very solvable..., IF Her mum understands her dd is growing up.

Branleuse · 17/05/2019 20:16

I would get the kid a few products such as shampoo, conditioner, a nice brush and an anti perspirant and a little bag to keep them in her schoolbag

Alwaysgrey · 17/05/2019 20:18

Poor little kid. It sounds like it really bothers her but her mother doesn’t care. The fact her hair is matted suggests she’s not being well looked after.

qazxc · 17/05/2019 20:18

I wouldn't ring the mother about shampooing the hair. Would you ring one of the other girls mother's if they took a shower to check it's ok?

ItWentInMyEye · 17/05/2019 20:18

Good on you, OP for helping the poor girl Thanks

Raggerty54 · 17/05/2019 20:19

I find it odd that some parents think they have the right to police their child’s body like that. Her mum is “letting” her have her hair curled but no makeup, shampoo or deodorant? For something non-permanent and safe the child shouldn’t need permission- especially at 11!

MrsDrudge · 17/05/2019 20:20

She is competent to give consent to having her hair done so doesn’t need mum’s permission. So do it, including the washing.

FannyFifer · 17/05/2019 20:21

Poor child, I would absolutely treat her hair.

TheBigFatMermaid · 17/05/2019 20:24

TBH, wash it and do what you need to for now, but going forward... I would make sure to buy extra and let your DD know that if any were to disappear for her friend, then that would not be noticed, then you are not doing it directly.

Ifionlyknewthenwhatiknownow3 · 17/05/2019 20:24

I'd say her mum does care, she must realise having her hair curled will mean it being washed beforehand. Any chance mum feels under pressure from dad to carry on conforming to this lifestyle? Is mum maybe reaching out for an ally? See if you can have a chat with her, surely she doesn't want her daughter suffering like this, poor kid.