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Sensitive issue with DDs friend WWYD?

193 replies

PrincessPearTree · 17/05/2019 19:37

My DDs 11th birthday was last week but due to her having SATs and a massive amount of practice test papers over the weekend she’s having a small sleep over with a few friends this evening. They are all off tomorrow early evening to a class mates birthday disco. So tonight they are have had a pizza and are watching a film and tomorrow my hairdresser is coming round to do there hair and between us we will do there makeup if they want for the party. My DD outright refuses makeup but a couple of the girls wear it.

One of DDs friends is in the same year but is almost 12. She’s a really lovely girl and has grown up with DD. Preschool, nursery, primary and they are starting secondary in September together.

I’ve heard people describe the family as “alternative” it’s hard to describe them but they have no gadgets at all, grow there own food, don’t follow any trends and not materialistic at all. They are a very educational family from a young age, this girl is very advanced beyond her years and has always been.

They all went to the park opposite our house. They came back this girl was really upset saying two boys who used to go to there school (year above and now in secondary) were saying she smells and has nits. I know from DD this girl has been having a horrific time over the last few years with constant teasing.

This girl asked me to check that it wasn’t nits and was dandruff. I took her into the kitchen to look in private and said to her it could be a few things most likely may be not washing shampoo out properly. Explained dd and myself get a flaky scalp. I looked, her hair is very dark and it did look bad with tonnes of fine white specs but it seems like she has cradle cap it’s a yellow colour all over her scalp. When She took her ponytail down and not only has this to contend with but her hair is very very greasy and the top section below where the hair bobble is it’s completely matted.

I told her not to worry and showed her mine, mines bad and looks like glue. Told her I use a shampoo prescribed by docs and I would give her a bottle to take home if she wanted. She told me her mum won’t let her use that, they had been to the doctor about it but her mum won’t treat it.

I know from DD she’s been teased for many years for this and for being smelly. No judgment but bless her she does smell of BO. DD has said in the past her mum knows this but refuses to let her use deodorant. DD has said many times if her mum let her have deodorant the teasing would stop.

This girl has said she wants me to put the shampoo on it. I’ve got Nizoral here, I know it’s available over the counter but I’ve said I need to check with her mum first but she’s said her mum will say no but she doesn’t need to know. I explained it may not make it go in one treatment and I have to use it every 2-3 weeks to keep on top of mine and DDs.

What do I do? She wants curls done tomorrow and tbh her hair really needs washing first and also de-matting. She pleaded with me to treat her but not ask her mum. WWYD?

Mum has agreed to let her have her hair curled but no makeup.

OP posts:
FiremanKing · 17/05/2019 19:52

Reminds me of Kizzy (sp?) the poor little Gypsy girl back in the 1970s.

I would tell the parent all girls had their hair washes a part of the party and the stylist mentioned the state of her scalp and suggested x, y and z to help. Of course the suggestions will be your own.

You could also gift a party bag of toiletries as a thank you for the girl coming to the party including a deodorant/antiperspirant. If you really want to help you could buy a vegan one which would comply with the mothers alternative outlook.

Cuddlysnowleopard · 17/05/2019 19:52

It will all change at secondary anyway - even I my day, I had friends who kept bags of "banned" clothes around friend's houses out of site if parents. DS has classmates who aren't allowed phones who buy a cheap pay as you go, and hide them.

She'll soon be able to borrow deodorant, shampoo etc from friends herself. I wouldn't go straight to Social Services, I'd keep chatting to her.

How well do you know the mum?

Dyrne · 17/05/2019 19:52

Also ask her what she usually does at home? Does she use anything to wash her hair with normally? How often does she brush her hair?

cstaff · 17/05/2019 19:52

Just play dumb and if her mum questions you just say but you said it was ok to do her hair. Poor kid.

CodenameVillanelle · 17/05/2019 19:54

If the mum didn't tell you NOT to let her wash her hair then let her wash her hair. And report to the school.

Merename · 17/05/2019 19:54

I’d let her use the shampoo too, and if the mum challenged you I would have a gentle discussion about the issue and the child being bullied as a result. But as others have said, a hair wash is a reasonable part of getting hair done, mum doesn’t need to know.

I think it’s a bit ridiculous to say she is being neglected and abused, there’s no evidence of that here. The parents are entitled to make these choices.

spugzbunny · 17/05/2019 19:54

I would absolutely do it and keep it maintained. Her parents almost certainly won't notice anyway if they aren't concerned with treating the issue. If they ask, just say you were all practicing hair styles on YouTube or something.

whitehalleve · 17/05/2019 19:54

I'd definitely just include it in the whole getting her hair done deal. Poor girl.

Goldmandra · 17/05/2019 19:55

You could advise her to see her GP on her own. If she is very bright, she may be assessed as Gillick competent and the GP can prescribe shampoo for her.

If she doesn't feel able to do that, she could ask to see the school nurse, who should be able to help her.

If you provide shampoo and deodorant, the mother may stop her from seeing you and then she has lost an important source of support. If you can help her seek support from statutory services, her mother will find it harder to isolate her.

PrincessPearTree · 17/05/2019 19:55

Right that’s what I needed to hear. I will de mat her and wack a treatment on then wash her hair with normal shampoo as nizoral is great at treating hair but it’s only 2% shampoo and I’ve found it doesn’t actually wash hair very well.

OP posts:
Thisnamechanger · 17/05/2019 19:56

Poor love. Id wash her hair nicely and pop a roll on on the bathroom counter.

Kaddm · 17/05/2019 19:56

Get her to put a swimming costume on and sit her in the bath and wash it for her. If worried, test part of her scalp first. She’s old enough to decide if she wants to use a shampoo. She probably isn’t capable of shampooing and rinsing properly.

The deodorant thing is slightly different. Many deodorants do have nasties in. I’d make sure she’s able to soap (mild soap) her pits properly.

Queenfreak · 17/05/2019 19:56

I've plenty of 'alternative' friends. They all use natural deodorants/shampoos etc.
No manufactured chemicals, vegan friendly stuff. Ive started using it too- it works.
Shame they don't do that too.
Is her birthday coming up? Could your dd gift her some natural products?
And yes- I'd treat her hair and scalp. Poor mite.

OstrichRunning · 17/05/2019 19:57

You sound lovely, op. I agree you should wash her hair. What BeesKnees said

MiniMum97 · 17/05/2019 19:57

That's terrible. Leaving her hair greasy will aggravate the seborrheic eczema. The yeasts feed on oil. I understand the mum not wanting to use the shampoos that treat it, they are full of horrible toxins. However not washing her hair regularly will exacerbate it. I keep mine under control by washing every two days and I have found a non toxic "shampoo" that keeps it at bay (it's actually bio-d washing up liquid! - fabulous stuff I use it fir everything!).

And there is no excuse for no deodorant. You can get some good non toxic deodorants. Tropic do a great one. If that doesn't work you just have to use the toxic stuff. It's a balance in my mind. My toxic pits don't respond to natural stuff so I have to use a Dove stick. It's cruel to leave a child greasy and smelling and being picked on as a result. Plus she is obviously physically uncomfortable with the itchy scalp - that really is bordering on neglect.

She is 11 nearly 12. As children get older they get more say in making their own decisions legally. I think she is old enough to be making a decision about whether she wants to use deodorant and wash her hair. I agree with others. Wash the poor girls hair and get her a deodorant to stick in her bag. I'd get a fragrance free anti perspirent so the mum can't smell it.

Poor thing.

Pushpull · 17/05/2019 19:57

As others have said I think you do need to speak to the school really because if she has a medical condition that isnt being treated it is a safeguarding issue.

Agree with others that a hair wash is part of having hair done. I dont think i would use a strong shampoo because she may well get in trouble but could you soak in conditioner (as a mask) to help the matting and then do a really thorough shampoo and condition with a comb out. I would probably offer her a deodorant if I had an unused roll on that was mild or pick her one up tomorrow to take home/keep at school.

Its lovely she can.confide in you but I do think school is best placed to help here. This is very possibly neglect

Kaddm · 17/05/2019 19:59

If you have a Holland and Barrett nearby

Flower777 · 17/05/2019 20:00

Definitely help her. Poor love - how awful.

She will feel a million dollars tomorrow with lovely clean hair ❤️

MiniMum97 · 17/05/2019 20:00

Good idea re encouraging her to go to GP on her own. Also buying some natural products for birthday. I've tried loads. As I said earlier Tropic deodorant is the best natural one I've tried. My DH uses it and doesn't smell at all. I have a hormone imbalance so ok for non work days for me but not when working.

Shampoo wise, nothing with any oil in as this makes SD worse. As I said I use bio-d washing up liquid. It's fab. And cheap and non toxic!

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 17/05/2019 20:01

That poor girl.

You can be sure as shit that if the mother had the same condition she wouldn’t think twice about using the treatment...

I second the suggestion to give her a roll on deodorant to keep in her school bag or locker. I’d also make it known that she was welcome to stay over and “have her hair done” regularly.

MadisonMontgomery · 17/05/2019 20:02

Poor girl, so glad you are going to wash it. You sound lovely btw OP.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 17/05/2019 20:03

Tell her you can use bicarbonate of soda as a deodorant.

Brush hair through with conditioner or if you have it coconut oil, then wash with shampoo. Her scalp may be like that anyway, one of my dc has the same on and off, as do I and we use sensible shampoo/nizoral/capasal etc
I definitely wouldn’t use nizoral if her mum has vetoed it. I think that’s horrid.

PerfectPenquins · 17/05/2019 20:03

Lots of people use vegan or natural chemical free hair products why on earth is she not allowed the, at home? Awful give her a nice pampering she will feel so much better bless her

Omahasomewhereinmiddleamerica · 17/05/2019 20:05

You sound lovely OP. I also think you need to have a chat with the class teacher. Poor girl. I was once quite friendly with a teacher and she asked me to invite a little one home for a play so she could have a proper wash whilst she was there Sad

ReganSomerset · 17/05/2019 20:05

Bless her. I'd announce to the girls that they're welcome to take a shower using what's in the bathroom tomorrow morning.